Josh Carden's "You might be a home schooler if..."

For my 20th birthday, I received from my brother Jason a book entitled You Might be a Redneck If... by Jeff Foxworthy. Many of you have probably never met a red­neck, but down here in the South they are as common as chig­gers. Redneck jokes are also abundant. A typical joke goes like this: "You might be a redneck if your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs." Or, "You might be a redneck if you've ever mowed your lawn and found a car."

In a flash of inspiration, or maybe just a flash, I began to con­sider home schooling in this light. So, with the help of my father Jim, my brother Jason, and my college roommate Michael Hamilton, I have compiled an introductory list, printed here for the first time.

 “You might be a home schooler if…”

  1. you have to move dirty laundry off your desk before you can study.
  2. your school bus is a nine-passenger van.
  3. you consider school work after lunch to be cruel and unusual punishment.
  4. your social life is viewed by others to be one rung below that of a Benedictine monk.
  5. your father has ever told you to tell the check-out lady at Wal-Mart, "We're on a field trip."
  6. your yearbook is also your babybook.
  7. all the signatures on your graduation diploma end with the same last name.
  8. your biology class curriculum consists of watching your baby brother or sister's home birth.
  9. the name "Gregg Harris" brings more to mind than a relief pitcher for the Boston Red Sox.
  10. you wept over the election results in Virginia last year.
  11. your teacher has ever written your report card on a napkin.
  12. your home economics class curriculum consists of bottle-feeding, diaper changing, and wiping up spit-up.
  13. your first real date is on your honeymoon.
  14. Bill Gothard's birthday is a school holiday.