by: Stepheni Mendez
As I sit here in a little café between my classes and sip my coffee, I watch perfect couples laugh, and listen to the gossip of groups of girls as they talk about their latest break up, and I recall again a commitment I’ve made: I won’t date. This is not a decision I have come to make lightly; oh no, it’s the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do. Considering that much of my life I have spent longing for romance, it was also probably the strangest commitment I’ve ever made. But I have come to understand in a new light what I am committed to, and I feel a freedom that baffles me.
For much of my growing up years I desired above all things a romantic relationship. From the time I was in Kindergarten I had continuous crushes on someone or other; somehow I thought that to be “somebody” in this world I had to have a “boyfriend.” As I grew up, that viewpoint changed, shifting to a desire to be ‘liked’ by a boy; and if I was not, it meant that I was ugly or that something was wrong with me.
When I was old enough to understand “dating” (around eleven years old), the only thing that kept me sane was waiting hopefully until I was a teenager, until I could have my first boyfriend, my first kiss. Then the worst thing in the world happened—my parents heard about a thing called courtship. I was sure that it was thought up by paranoid parents. Courtship, the way my parents understood it, said that I wouldn’t really have any romantic relationships until (1) I was old enough to get married, and (2) God brought the right person into my life. I would have to wait for a relationship until I was old enough to get married?! I felt as if my life were over! How would I ever have a first kiss if I didn’t date? My parents never made a rule: you cannot date. But as I started into my teen years, it seemed to be an unspoken, understood principle in our family. My school years took place at home; therefore, I was unable to “sneak” a boyfriend on the side. And so, my life went on.
Perhaps I felt that a romantic relationship was necessary because my friends who went to public school constantly talked about “cute” boys and who they were “dating,” even as far back as second grade. In my high school years, a boyfriend was mandatory. I remember one time when I was about 15, when my family was visiting relatives, my grandfather asked me if I had a boyfriend yet. When I told him that I didn’t, he promptly advised me to “get one.”
As I looked closer at the subject of “dating vs. non-dating”, I began to realize that what I thought I needed in a “relationship” wasn’t what I truly wanted. But how could “courtship” help me? Wasn’t it just another trick by my parents to keep me from having fun?
In his book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Joshua Harris says of his dating experiences, “I was primarily interested in what I could get, such as the popularity a girlfriend could give me or the comfort and pleasure I could gain physically and emotionally from a relationship… I lived ‘dumb love’—choosing what felt good for me…”
I found that that description fit me perfectly; I too lived “dumb love,” constantly taking and never giving. When I was about 16, I became “involved” online with a homeschool guy named Mike. There was nothing physical, but I so loved the feeling of “having a boyfriend.” Then I found out the he was interested in some other girl who lived close to him. I went ballistic, and told the other girl that he “had a short attention span” and she wouldn’t talk to him after that. He never forgave me for that, but I don’t blame him—in one instant I had destroyed two relationships. Thus ended the one romance I was able to cultivate—surviving no longer than a few weeks. Because of my selfishness, my heart was broken.
As I read farther in Harris’ book, I found the perfect description of modern dating, and my dating experience in particular. “I view dating in a similar light as I view fast-food restaurants—it’s not wrong to eat there, but something far better is available.” It is this idea—that there is something better out there—that has changed my whole way of thinking. I am realizing that my parents never meant to confine me as I often thought; they were simply trying to help me avoid heartbreak. With Mike I tried “fast food” dating, but I realized shortly after he dumped me that it was not satisfying. I had no assurance that he actually wanted to be with me, or how long he would stay with me. How much I regretted ever allowing that kind of relationship in my life. This understanding didn’t change my mind immediately, however; it simply started me thinking about my attitudes towards “not dating.” Perhaps dating was not the issue. Maybe all I needed was to just wait, not desperately, but peacefully, for God to bring the right person into my life. But how could I ever do that?
A very important statement of Harris’ that became almost a creed for me was: “The right thing, at the wrong time, is the wrong thing.” It wasn’t until I read this that I realized that “not dating” wasn’t a life sentence to singleness; it was simply a commitment to wait for God’s perfect time. Aside from my “dating relationship” disaster with Mike, I have not dated anyone. But I recall a time when a guy I was interested in would gently push me away emotionally when we got too involved. (He was committed to saving his whole heart for the one right person.) At the time, I felt rejected and betrayed. But I am coming to see, that the guy was not rejecting me; he simply understood that because it was not the right time in my life, or his, it could not be the right thing. He was not only guarding his heart, but mine also. There are other times when I would become almost obsessed with a guy, and then pull away, not quite understanding why I did. Now I am realizing again that if it’s the wrong timing, it can’t be the right thing.
I still desire “dumb love” sometimes, especially when I walk through the mall and see cute couples holding hands. But I am much happier, knowing that I don’t have to lose all my guy friends because we started dating and he dumped me. But the most important thing I am beginning to see is that when I was putting my desire for a romantic relationship before God, I was miserable. Ever since I gave God the right to my “love life” I have felt such freedom to be friends with guys and be a follower of Jesus. I still have my times, but I know that when God wants me to be in a romantic relationship He will arrange it. The most incredible thing I discovered in my search for “true love” was that I am not alone in my desire to wait for God’s perfect timing. There are hundreds, maybe thousands, of others. We all have a common desire, to keep ourselves pure for that one perfect person.
Stepheni is a 19-year-old homeschool graduate, and the daughter of a Church Planter. She loves writing, singing, photography, answering e-mail, and chatting online with my many homeschool friends. She lives at home and majors in Journalism at Mesa State College.
Originally published in issue #30, Spring 2001, of the YLCFJ
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