November 21, 1999

Weddings

by Joshua Carden

Okay, I promised a wedding article, a while back so here goes:  I’ve put in appearances at several weddings.  Over twenty weddings, to be semi-exact, so I might even be considered an expert.  But early on, like all young boys (Yes, I’m making a sweeping generalization, those hated things that I frequently rail against; but I’m feeling pretty safe about this one), weddings were hated events in my life.  They involved tight clothes and shoes, slicked hair, and the inevitable mom’s-spit-on-the-kleenex bath right before we entered the church.  Then there were these two people that I usually didn’t know standing up and forgetting what they were supposed to say.  I know they forgot, because this guy had to stand between them and remind them of each line.  Then somebody would sing, and the two people had to stand there, and I didn’t think they were listening ‘cause they were always talking.  Which must have been hard, because the girl was always wearing something over her face.  My dad told me it was because she didn’t have time to put on makeup.  (kidding.) 

More recently, since I’ve been in college, these events have improved.  Believe me, the clothes are still uncomfortable, so it’s not that.  Maybe it’s because mom can’t catch me to give her famous spit-bath.  Actually, it’s because I usually get a great seat: the piano.  I tell you there is no better seat in the house.  You don’t even miss anything, because you get to stop playing for the important stuff. Like the long pause after the preacher says: “If ANY man, knows ANY reason, why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony…”  It’s always tempting for me to play the theme from Jeopardy at that point.

I’ve also been honored to serve as a groomsman on occasion, and even once as a best man. Incidentally, has anyone out there ever wondered why they call him the “best man” since he’s not the one getting married?  Seems to me that he should be called the “second best man” or something like that.  But I digress.  As a groomsman you get the whole wedding experience: namely, the bachelor party.  Fortunately, all of my friends have had VERY tasteful bachelor parties and no one, I repeat NO ONE, has ever been sent to the hospital as a result.  Don’t ask me about emergency rooms, or I will have to plead the Fifth. 

Another groomsman privilege is decorating the car that the happy couple will make their getaway in.  Some creative couples have tried to get out of the obligatory cans and shoe polish by renting cars or limousines.  Fortunately, my equally creative friends and I have turned the tables by packing as many of our friends as possible into the particular car or limo before they run the “Rice Gauntlet.”  Rewind to the young Josh for a minute.  The rice throwing used to be the only part of the wedding I enjoyed.  After about my third wedding, my parents noticed that my brother Jason and I weren’t unwrapping the rice before we threw it.  You can get some real velocity on those little packages!  After a stern lecture, we unwrapped and threw like everyone else.  These days people are throwing all kinds of stuff.  Bubbles have been all the rage lately.  Next will be wadded-up copies of the song Canon in D which has also been all the rage lately.  Along with “From this Moment” by Shania “Ilene Edwards is my real name” Twain and Bryan “If you think you can sing as high as I can, you’d better think twice” White.  I speak from personal experience: Baritones should not even try singing this! 

Having seen and participated in so many weddings, I thought I’d seen everything.  Well, of course I was wrong.  Shocking, I know, but it has happened before.  This past fall, I was in a wedding that topped them all.  To begin with, the wedding was held in and around a praise and worship service.  The atmosphere was very relaxed, and the Lord’s name was lifted up and made the center of the occasion.  Many family members on both sides of the aisle were unsaved, and the bride and groom had planned a time of invitation before the service was concluded.  Several of the family became believers and the groom could hardly speak when he gave a word of testimony and explanation at the beginning of the actual ceremony.  It was truly a wonderful event.  But it was not without its humorous side.  The previous evening, the Father of The Bride© stood up to close the rehearsal dinner.   He said “When Nikki (the bride) was a little girl, I remember picking her up and placing her on my shoulder as we were walking somewhere.  She proceeded to announce to everyone around us that I was Superman®.  I found out along the way that it’s pretty hard to be a father and Superman at the same time.  Stephen (the groom), now Nikki says that you’re her Superman®.  You’ll find out that it’s hard to be a husband and Superman® all at the same time – so I bought you something to help out!”  He reached down and pulled out an extra-large Superman® T-shirt, to the laughter and applause of everyone in the room.  The next day, Stephen came up to me about an hour before the wedding.  He was all decked out in his tuxedo and I was sitting at the piano getting in some last-minute practice.  (Yes, kids, even after 20 years, I DO have to practice.  Your mother did NOT pay me to write that.)  He looked around furtively and asked “Do you know the theme from the movie Superman®?”  I thought for a minute and dinked around on the piano, but all that came out was a cross between Star Wars® and Indiana Jones® (Hey, it’s all John Williams to me).  We called in reinforcements.  Fortunately one of the groomsmen was a Superman® junkie and he hummed the tune for me.  After a minute, a thought occurred to me: “Stephen.  Why are you asking me this?”  He lowered his voice and said “I’m wearing the shirt.  Under my tux.”  Sure enough, this little schemer had put on the Superman® shirt and had a plan ready to be implemented.  Nobody knew except me and the groomsmen. At the close of the service, the pastor did the pronouncement and then turned the newlyweds around to be presented: “Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce for the first time, Mr. and Mrs. Stephen Bratton.”  I began to play the theme from Superman®, just as Stephen grabbed both sides of his shirt and ripped it open to display the giant red “S” on his chest.  The audience went crazy.  The couple walked out to thunderous applause as I segued into the regular recessional for the rest of the wedding party.  I’m sure Mendelssohn was rolling in his grave.

Okay, so at some weddings this might be considered in poor taste.  All I can say is: you just had to be there.  It was a great moment in wedding history, and one that will never be forgotten by those in attendance.  Watch for video on America’s Funniest.  I’m trying to talk them into sending it in.  And no, I didn’t make all this up.  You should know by now, I never make this stuff up….