January 6, 2001

Telectionvision

by Joshua Carden

Have you ever watched so much TV that you got burned?  Me neither, but during the elections I got a healthy tan.   I’ve waited until now to risk an article on this subject, hoping by now that passions have cooled, tempers have subsided, and 58% of America’s youth have forgotten who the President is or where they live on the globe anyway. 

But back to TV; I must have watched a total of 90 hours of CNN from election day until I left for Christmas vacation.  CNN!!!!!   Not an A-Team marathon, or even that Australian guy who carries poisonous snakes around like Moses wished he didn’t, but CNN!!   Guys like Chris Matthews, who would probably yell at his own mother if she were foolish enough to risk a “Hardball” appearance.  Or that other guy who looked like he was wearing white eye shadow the entire time.  It was addictive.  My roommates and I would sit glued to our seats, apply SBF 15, and wait for them to announce the latest state results (“looks like North Dakota has been called for, oh wait, instead we go live to Walla Walla, Washington where Zaphod Beeblebrox, an acquaintance of Ralph Nader, has a warming human interest story about his and Ralph’s first time as lumberjacks”).  Y’all remember how it was, right? 

After election night, the debate raged on.  Entire families joined the discussion.  A faithful reader emailed me the story of her two youngest children arguing over the results: 

Three year old: “Gore won!”

Four year old: “Bush won!”

Three year old: “No, Gore won!”

Four year old: “No, Gore CONCEIVED!!!”

Hmm, wouldn’t that have been an interesting outcome?  All that talk of “pregnant chad” too.  Now THERE’S an unauthorized biography waiting to happen.  Maybe they can get the guy who wrote “Dutch” to do it.

[To chase the small and rather cute rabbit trail of small and rather cute kids mispronouncing words (Hey, I can do this, it’s my column!), my sweet little cousin Caroline was entertaining us with her version of “Away in a Manger” this Christmas.  She got to the third verse and in a confident tone proclaimed: “the cattle are loading, the baby awakes!”   Well, what else would wake up a baby?  Any Texan knows that loading cattle makes a whole heap o’ noise!]

My election coverage was greatly enhanced by my roommates.  I have one roommate from Florida.  I have another roommate from New York.  I have a third roommate who is a Democrat.   We all had something to make fun of each other for.  (“Half of your state can’t even spell my state!”  “Oh yeah? Well, your state can’t even count: it’s two-thirds of his state that can’t spell your state.” “Really? Well at least his state didn’t elect Senator You-Know-Who!” “Aw hush, you guys, Jack’s still waiting for Al’s acceptance speech.”)  Remarkably, we remain good friends (although Jack did have to clean his friend’s bathroom as the result of a small wager).

It soon become apparent how many Americans actually think they vote for the President of the United States.  I felt sorry for them, I truly did.  Many of these are the same people who demonstrated their First Amendment Right to Wave Mispeled Signs on National Television.  As the election wore on and court cases commenced, the media’s focus on minutiae increased.  Each statement delivered by anyone remotely connected with the election was snatched up and analyzed precisely by highly-trained legal consultants who made tremendous sacrifices of time and career, dropping everything to be yelled at by Chris Matthews.  (“Next up, John Calvin and the ‘doctrine of election’ - did he know something we don’t?”). 

With all the pressure, you just knew something had to give.  One of the best moments had to be when two of the Florida Justices, a man and a woman, were the last to deliberate over one of the issues.  The marshall came out to announce when their decisions would be released.  After the announcement and as the media began shouting questions at him, he hesitated.  You could almost sense the inner struggle: stay here and enjoy the attention for one more minute or go back to the Tetris game inside.  Finally he seized blindly upon one question: “Which justice is causing the delay?”  His answer: “I cannot divulge which one, but as soon as she’s finished we’ll tell you. . .”  The rest of the answer was drowned in media laughter and his own embarrassed realization of what he had said.  Poor guy.  I hope he’s better at Tetris.

I’m almost grateful for the debacle we experienced.  For one thing, it may trigger a national resurgence of appreciation for the right to vote and the importance of exercising it.  For another, it has increased the need for principled lawyers (which I hope to be someday).  And finally, it has removed the desire for most of my competition to EVER be President of the United States.  My strategery is simple . . .