July 17, 2000
Virus Part II
by Joshua Carden
Well, just when I thought it was safe to laugh at computer viruses...I got one! Yes, after that little indulgent chuckle I had about deleting the “I Love You” virus after hearing about it on the news, somebody sent me the “Life Stages” virus, and I opened it. I’m still finding ways that it has infected my laptop. Needless to say, I hurried out to lock the proverbial stable door after the proverbial horse thief had paid me the proverbial visit. (Who comes up with these proverbial proverbs?) I bought brand new, state of the art, virus software which guarantees that if I never use my computer, I’ll never get a virus. If I do use my computer, the odds of an infection are increased, but they promise to hold my hand and offer me kleenex if and when I get one. Enough about my woes, on to YOUR creativity. If anyone needs me I’ll be working on my laptop. Anybody have a sledgehammer I can borrow? Time for some proverbial "farm maintenance” . . .
From Trisha Duke in Carrollton, TX:
THE HONOR SYSTEM VIRUS: When you receive it you are to reformat your C: drive and then forward it to everyone in your address book. You MUST NOT break the chain.
From Connie Saffle in Wichita, Kansas:
THE QUICKEN VIRUS: Especially lethal. It takes your Quicken files and uploads them directly to the IRS, then prompts their computers to do an instantaneous audit. You are guaranteed to owe the Government ten times the amount of your Year To Date income.
From Rocklin Hyatt in Milwaukee, WI [My new favorite first name – JC]:
THE SCRABBLE® VIRUS: It takes all your emails both incoming and outgoing and turns them into a game of Scrabble for you or the recipient to have to untangle.
From Donna Pheneger in Washington, IN:
THE KLINGON COMPUTER VIRUS: It is a good day for your computer to die. Ka-Plah!! [My new motto: never anger a Star Trek fan – JC]
From Jan Chetelat in Methuen, MA:
THE HONOR VIRUS (another strain of the Honor System virus): It comes as an e-mail explaining that the sender hasn’t had the time or energy to come up with a real computer virus so it asks you to randomly delete 10 or 12 files (3 of them system files) and that it is platform independent so it doesn’t matter if you are working from a PC or Mac.
From Jonathan Garber in Leesburg, VA:
THE MUSICIAN’S VIRUS: Instantly morphs your computer’s keyboard into an assortment of black and white keys.
THE FOOTBALL VIRUS: Instantly replays all operations done on the computer in slow motion.
From Jennifer Carden in Peaster, TX [Yes, she is my sister - JC]:
THE SMILEY VIRUS: Adds a new type of smiley face after each word in your email.
And the big haul comes in from Darren I.Q. Jones, already famous (or infamous) for his contributions to the “Home School Book List” in a previous article. Thank you, Mr. Jones for your assistance. Although he didn’t write all of these, he dug up this list for me that I now pass along to you. Enjoy!
THE AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you’re getting.
The MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.
THE PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attacks—Once if by LAN, twice if by C:.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Always refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism”.
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
BUREAUCRACY VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of the data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus 3.5 percent margin of error).
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file. [Alaska people: PLEASE don’t send me emails about this one!]
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
AIRLINE VIRUS: You’re in Dallas, your data is in
PBS VIRUS: Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500 dollars.
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it anyway!