ca. August 3, 2000

Humorous Writing Tips

by Joshua Carden and Sara Roberts   

We decided that if Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins can do it, by golly, so can we!  Here, for the first time in Crosswalk history, is a joint humor-column effort by Josh Carden and Sara Roberts

[Editors’ note: to distinguish when Josh is writing from when Sara is writing, Josh’s writing will appear in normal font, and Sara’s writing will appear in italics.  All sentences that neither of us claim will appear in bold.].

Wait, hold on, Josh.  I don’t mean to nitpick, but you made a mistake there in that first paragraph.  You meant ‘Sara Roberts and Josh Carden.’  That’s all.  Go on.

Yeah, that’s what I meant. . .not!  EVERBODY knows that you’re supposed to list the authors alphabetically.  BOTH of my names beat both of yours.

Oh, alphabetically, is it?  Let’s tell that to Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins.  Or Lewis and Clark.  Or Romeo and Juliet.  If everybody jumped off a bridge alphabetically, would you go first?

OK, fine, I’ll flip you for it.  Heads, I go first; tails, you go second. Ready? One, two, thr...

Oh, come on.  Do you really expect me to fall for that old trick again?

You did the last couple times I used it.

Don’t quibble.  And whatever happened to the notions of chivalry?  ‘Ladies first’ and all that?

Drat.  I was afraid you’d think of that.  Ok, ‘Sara Roberts and Josh Carden’ it is.

Thank you.  Next time say it with more enthusiasm, though.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PRESENTING FOR THE FIRST TIME TOGETHER IN PRINT....

Thank you for your enthusiastic sarcasm.  Let us proceed.

As the previous fictional exchange demonstrates, it’s not all that hard to write funny stuff. All that is required is pen, paper, a wild imagination, and a willingness to admit when you’re making stuff up.  (An audience with a good appreciation of true humor and wit really helps, too.)  We (Sara and Josh) have both read the other’s material over the years and enjoyed it immensely.  When Josh discovered Sara’s presence on Crosswalk, a joint column sprang instantly to mind.  After broaching the suggestion of a column on “Humorous Writing Tips,” Josh received the following suggestion from Sara, which can run as Tip #1 (because we have to start somewhere, or we’re not going to have much of an article here):

Humorous Writing Tip #1: Misunderstand.

At Josh’s suggestion, I sat down to compile a few humorous writing tips:

1. Hold the pen upside down.

2. Always wear tight purple socks.  This forces creative juices to flow upward from your toes.

3. Hum “Mary Had a Little Lamb” incessantly as you try to compose your rough draft.  It doesn’t help you think, but it might irritate a sibling into saying something that you can use in your story.

I had gotten that far when, suddenly, I was struck by a realization (which happens more often than being struck by inspiration).  Josh possibly meant “Tips for Humorous Writing.”  Well.  Doesn’t that change things?  And it does, namely my entire list of humorous tips.  An entire four minutes wasted—four minutes that I could have used more productively, like pouring myself some milk and getting some sugar cookies to eat.

Actually, I wouldn’t say that the time was wasted.  I prefer orange socks and “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” myself, but I thought it very sound advice.  Hey, I’d know, right?  I’m a writer, right?  Right?

Tip #2: Exaggerate

Exaggeration is an inborn skill for most people, particularly the subculture of seven- and eight-year-olds: “Oh, yeah? Well, I have. . .I have. . .I have TEN THOUSAND germs in my food!” It takes polish and finesse to make the best use of exaggeration, though.

For instance, I have a wedding coming up in September. At last count, I have four hundred things to get done before September 30. Well, all right, maybe it’s only three hundred and seventy-six; I get lost somewhere around the two-hundred mark. No, wait, don’t laugh yet... I’m not exaggerating yet...

Being an expert on (other people’s) weddings, I concur: Sara is not exaggerating.  How she got the list down to three hundred and seventy-six, I’ll never know!  I must confess that we Texans tend to be experts on exaggeration.  Here’s a sample:

Texan #1:  It’s been so dry around here lately that folks have to safety-pin stamps to their envelopes.

Texan #2:  You think that’s bad?  I’ve been praying for rain.  Not so much for me, you understand; I’ve seen rain.  But my oldest boy Johnny is nearly seven, and he ain’t!

I’m not saying a word.

Unfortunately, most parents usually react negatively to exaggeration (“Johnny, I’ve told you a hundred million times NOT to exaggerate!”).  Of course, the parents are just doing their jobs, but what they don’t realize is that twenty years of repressed exaggeration has to come out somewhere.  Presto, humor writers are born!

Tip #3: Be Real

This is a personal pet peeve of mine, but how many times have you received an email from someone that you haven’t heard from in a long time, opened it eagerly . . . only to discover that they have sent you yet again the “keep Hitler from being Time’s Man of the Year” email?  When you write, write about things you know!  People want to hear about YOU!  If you live in a house with small children, I’m guessing there have been a few funny incidents in the past.  If you live in a house and happen to be shorter . . .

Watch it, sir!

(innocently) What?  I was going to say, ‘if you happen to be shorter than your younger brother, you might have some funny stories to tell.’  That’s all.

All right. I thought you were getting personal there.  I was going to have to bite your kneecap. Sorry for being. . .short with you. (That was funny. That’s your cue to laugh.)

When Jesus wasn’t healing people, walking on water, or debating Pharisees, he told stories.  Personal stories that people could relate to.  If you can capture the ability to convey truth by telling a simple story, you WILL be a good writer.  If some of the stories are humorous, so much the better!

Tip #4: Understate

Effective use of understatement can be dependent on your own personal sense of humor.  This method is at the opposite end of the humor spectrum from exaggeration.  Using understatement AND exaggeration will allow your writing to appeal to a wider range of people.

Understatement is all about timing.  A dry sense of humor helps too.  Mine has been compared to the Sahara . . .

Yes?

No, I said ‘Sahara.’  You know, the desert?  I was getting ready to give a good example of understatement.

Oh, sorry.  I was getting bored over here.  Your humor occasionally takes a little longer to get to the point than mine does.

On second thought, what better example of understatement could I come up with than your last sentence?

Why, thank you.  I’m a wonderfully helpful person, to understate the case.

That was exaggeration.  Don’t confuse the readers.

Tip#5: Plagiarize

“The difference between a bad artist and a good one is: The bad artist seems to copy a great deal; the good one really does.”—Josh Carden.

Josh, we both know that you didn’t say that.  Out with it!

OK, OK, it was William Blake.  Really, I promise.

The aforementioned wedding in September will unite me with a lawyer.  Naturally I’m not going to suggest doing anything illegal to further your writing career.  I suppose that I really should title this tip “Borrow methods or devices from successful writers,” a title which has all the sparkle and bang of a tax form.  Anyway, one “device” I intend to borrow is from an article on courtship that I read.  The author says that people who date say they are “going out,” “going with,” or “going together,” so people who court can say they are “going to,” as in “going to get married.”  Oh, wait.  Um, hey, Josh, can I use a nifty little line from that courtship story you wrote a while back?

Well, if you don’t mind signing this release form.  I’m in law school you know. And here, let’s get it notarized while we’re at it.

I’ll have my fiance look at and get back with you.  My fiance who is, I might add, ALREADY a lawyer.

(Nervous laugh) Oh, that’s right.  Just have him ignore paragraph five, the one marked “Sara pays Josh a lot of money.”  That really doesn’t mean anything.  In fact, never mind, you can use the courtship line.  Consider it a wedding gift.

Thank you ever so much.  How generous of you!  (There you are, Readers—application of Tip #2).

In all seriousness, plagiarize.  Not by copying words or stealing ideas, but by reading good writers, finding writing STYLES that you like, and blending them together to create your own unique writing style.  If you find it necessary to use direct quotes, at the very least, give the writers credit! (We have to eat, you know!)

For instance, I was influenced by Patrick McManus, Jane Austen, Dave Barry—a mixture of Austen and Barry is frightening to contemplate—P.G. Wodehouse, and my mother and resident editor.

I was influenced by my father Jim, Dave Barry, Mike Farris, and the Apostle Paul.  (I say “Paul” because some of my sentences never seem to end.  Have you ever counted the words in Paul’s sentences?  Check out Romans 1!)

But whatever tips or tricks you apply, above all, “Keep your temper.” No, wait. Good advice, wrong story.  Above all, Write.  It sounds like simplistic advice, but it takes work to write well, and the only way you can sharpen your skill is to do it.  And yes, pay attention in your English and grammar classes.  Without the basics, you won’t be able to tell the good writing from the bad! 

Oh, by the way, Josh, my name still could come first alphabetically.

What are you talking about?

In September, I’ll become Sara Jones.  Jones comes before Josh.

Have you spent all this time thinking about that?  I thought you were ending this article!

Well, no, I’m drawing a blank for an ending.  I was hoping you’d come up with something. Hmm. I guess there’s only one thing to do.

You’re right.  Hand me those orange socks.

Let me get mine on. . .there.  All right.  How about a rousing chorus of “Mary Had a Little Lamb”?  Watch out for that pen and don’t get ink in your eye.

Pass the sugar cookies and milk, will you?

“Fine writers should split hairs together, and sit side by side, like friendly apes, to pick the fleas from each other's fur.” –  Logan Pearsall Smith.  We hope you have enjoyed our time together.  If so, let us know – we’ll do it again sometime!