June 9, 1999

Hey! That’s my Sister! 

by Joshua Carden

For those of you who have expressed concern for my extended absence: thank you for noticing.  My doctor placed me on Humor Rest for a month or so, to avoid that dreaded disease afflicting so many humor writers: Humor Burnout.  Common symptoms are: laughing at knock-knock jokes, a sudden urge to watch the Discovery Channel, and an eye-twitch when someone says the word “deadline.”  Fortunately, I am fully recovered. 

You know those forwarded emails?  The kind that you usually delete without reading (at least, if you’re my friend Todd, you do)?  One of those emails that gets passed around and around, like the one I get about every two months warning me about Madelyn Murray O’Hair.  I just want to say one thing about that before we move on.  PEOPLE, SHE’S DEAD!  THEY AUCTIONED OFF HER PROPERTY TO PAY ALL THE BACK TAXES SHE OWED!  SHE AIN’T COMING BACK!!!!  (Pant, pant, pant) There, I feel much better now.  Pass the Neiman Marcus Cookies.

Anyway, I received one of those emails.  Unusually enough, it was actually quite humorous.  It was called “Eight Rules for Dating My Daughter.”  I would share it in all its unfettered glory, but it’s copyrighted.  If you really want to find it, you can browse for it yourself (It’s worth the effort!).  Or just wait – someone is bound to forward it to you eventually.  It is a very insightful look into the mind of a father with a teenage daughter.

I have one sister, Jennifer, age 13.  I am a rather protective older brother, and since my father passed away, I have been gradually growing uneasy about the fact that my cute little sister isn’t as little as she used to be.  Especially since I am 1,200 miles away.  Fortunately, my other two brothers are still in Texas and can serve as the initial screening test before I show up (Screening Test: will his body fit through the window screen if thrown from across the room).  I have been thinking, off and on, about the kind of person that I would allow to court my sister. After the “Rules to Date My Daughter” email, I decided to write a few of my own:

Rule One: “Jesus who?” is not an appropriate answer to a theological question.

Rule Two: “What’s theology?” is not an appropriate question.

Rule Three: Keep your hands to yourself, or I’ll take them away from you.

Rule Four (shamelessly plagiarized from the original eight): If she crys, you cry.

Rule Five: Even though I am 1,200 miles away, don’t think I won’t be around when you come asking about my sister.  If necessary, God can always transport me like Phillip. Think of me as the Genie from Aladdin, only instead of *poof* “What do you need?” it will be *poof* “What do think you’re doing?”

Rule Six: Though you may have already faced down my two hulking younger brothers, I’M the mean one (It’s true).  Size is not an issue.

Rule Seven: If there is any question about Rule Six, I will give you one (1) opportunity to out-shoot me on the range. 

Rule Eight: Cute nicknames for my sister will not be used in my presence unless you are married.  Is that clear, Honeybunch?

Rule Nine:  If you can’t quote large portions of the Old and New Testaments, whip all three Carden boys at once, show your long-range projected financial earnings, pass mom’s inspection, keep your room clean, shower regularly, and in all other ways demonstrate why you should be allowed to come within fifty feet of my sister, you might as well forget it!

Now you might be thinking that this sounds a little steep.  So sue me (after law school, of course).  Admittedly, I may end up being a little more tolerant as I get old and senile (that happens at 30, right?), so there is a small bit of hope for prospective suitors.  But for now, no way, Jose. 

God has instilled within fathers (and brothers!) a desire to ensure the very best for daughters and sisters.  Showing His sense of humor, all of us guys have to marry someone’s daughter and sister as well!  That definitely helps bring a little more perspective.  Someday, I’ll walk my sister down the aisle.  I pray that God will bless her with someone who, like David, is a man after God’s own heart.  I think that’ll be good enough for me.