September 27, 1999
The Book Fairby Joshua Carden
Editor’s note: I was going to think of a really creative title for this article. Then my brain cells went AWOL. Then I was going to simply plagiarize a title from something else. Now that I’m in law school, I couldn’t ethically do that. (NO cracks about lawyers and ethics, OK? I have the rest of my life to sue people for those!) So you get this boring generic title. Just get over it, and try to enjoy the article. Here goes…
Those who claim that home schoolers aren’t socialized have obviously never been to a home school book fair. This past year, I attended one of the largest book fairs in the country: Arlington, TX. (Go Rangers!) For dedication, determination, passion, and pure shopping ability, home school book fairs rival even Star Trek conventions by comparison (not that I’ve ever been to a Star Trek convention! It would be illogical for me to attend.) In fact, I think appropriate punishment for every social worker and school superintendent who has ever harassed a home school family would be to force them to be the people who try to get everyone to leave at the end of the fair. You ever try to break up a group of chatty home schoolers? Yelling “fire” won’t do it (And by the way, that is not legally protected free speech under the Supreme Court’s interpretation of the 1st amendment). Actually setting the building on fire (Arson) won’t do it either – the moms simply dispatch their three or four oldest kids to put out the fire and sweep up the mess and then wait patiently while the moms finish talking. Of course, you and I know EXACTLY what would do it: simply announce a 70% Off Sale at Wal-mart. The next sounds you’d hear would be crickets and tumbleweeds blowing through the hall.
But back to the fair itself. Held every year in the huge ArlingtonConvention Center, home schoolers all of sizes and shapes flow up and down the aisles in a giant dance of bargain hunting and selling. These visitors can be classified into some general categories:
The Rookies: These people are easy to spot. Obviously, no one warned them that they couldn’t bring in the stroller (house rules), so they have to take turns passing the baby back and forth when their arms get tired. Everyone else has these “slings” or little Papoose carriers. Babies have to get the biggest kick out of those things. I mean, think about it: when was the last time you were suspended six feet off the ground and strapped to someone’s back. Come to think of it, the kids who put in several miles like that probably grow up to be those disgusting people who never get motion sickness (like me). These people pick up every piece of free literature available, and can be seen frequently making trips to their car to load the stacks of material. Oh, and that’s another thing: they still have a car, not a mini-van or the full-size van. Their time will come…
The Veterans: These are the people who could care less about shopping; they’re there to see the friends they only see once a year. This may be just a Texas thing (feel free to correct me), but there are some people on our family’s Christmas Card list that I HAVE NEVER SEEN outside the home school book fair. Another characteristic of this type is their uncanny ability to know EXACTLY where each of their kids are at any given moment. “Johnny? Yeah, he’s probably over at booth 53, the science booth. Rebekah? (note biblical spelling) She’s over at booth 338, the build-your-own-sewing-machine kits.”
The Vendors: These are my personal favorites! From the moment they pull into the parking lot, vans and trailers carefully lettered with advertising, they never quit smiling. I’m serious! I think if I picked a vendor’s kid up and held him upside down (not that I would EVER do this, you understand), he would instantly begin frowning so it would look like a smile! They come from all over the country to exhibit the fruits of their labors. Some people bring what looks like their entire library. The amazing thing is watching them fit a warehouse-sized pile into a 16x10 booth. And people wonder why home school kids excel in geometry? Of course, they bring the obligatory piles of free handouts to snare the Rookies. (I have long suspected that, very often, they don’t print anything on the paper. They know the Rookies will stop and grab anyway.) One exception to the vendor category: The Textbook Suppliers. Three words: take a number. Amazingly enough, there are very few kids on this aisle. Even the children of Rookies figure this out pretty fast. I know better than to use the actual names of the suppliers in an article (hey, I’m not going to Regent University School of Law for nothing), so I’ll spell them backwards: akebA, senoJ boB, noxxaS, and agemO & ahplA (If I’ve excluded your reversed curriculum of choice, don’t be hurt. These were from the top of my head. Or actually the bottom.). These people are easily spotted primarily by their matching sport coats in colors usually reserved for cars and tablecloths. I can say this because I was once required to wear a pink sport coat for an entire year. In church. Maybe someday I’ll be able to share, but for now it still hurts too much…Where was I? Oh yes, next category…
The Speakers: These folks are shadowy and elusive. You can tell when they pass by, because of the huge mass of people grouped around them. A word of caution: Don’t try to worm your way in to that inner circle. That’s reserved for more worthy folk, like people who have memorized the first and middle names of all twenty of the speaker’s kids. And if you disregard my seasoned advice and try it, you’ll be amazed at how fast a 4’11” home school mom can put you on the floor with one elbow for trying to cut in “line” (I use the word “line” somewhat facetiously. There are two things home schoolers can’t do: 1. Stand in a straight line and 2. Raise their hands to ask questions. Think about it.). If the speaker is very tall, you might be lucky enough to see the top of their head. If it’s Josh and Shannon Harris, you’re pretty much out of luck. You never know for sure who will be there, and the only proof of their appearance you may take home with you is a possible autographed book from their table. You’ve heard their names… names like Shatner, Nimoy, Stewart…wait, wrong names, sorry…names like Harris, Farris, Seras…more unusual names that don’t rhyme like Little Bear, Cannon, Klicka, Smith…and maybe someday in three years or so…Carden… Guess maybe I’ll have to write a book first.
So, to wrap up, what have we learned today? (Good thing this isn’t Veggie Tales, or the song that Bob hates would kick in about now) We have classified the four types of people that attend book fairs (Linnaeus would be proud), and managed to enjoy ourselves at the same time. At least I have. I just got out of an hour of homework. Catch you later.