Amethyst, a beautiful girl who’s the picture of innocence, joined my College and Career group when she was fifteen. Although most of us were older, we considered her one of us because of her seriousness and maturity. So, how did her perfect courtship start?
Since she was too young to have a car, Rick and other friends volunteered to give her rides to and from group events. Most of the time it was Rick who was her ride. He often gave ride to others too. Nothing to suspect there. Beside, her parents allowed her to be in a guy’s car only if another girl was with her. She made a point to be obedient and follow that rule.
For the next two years, Rick and Amethyst became really good buddies. Nothing romantic at all, it was just friendship. They got to know each other deeply, and without dating.
For those who think it’s impossible to get to know someone without dating them, Amethyst and Rick are proof to the contrary. Here’s how they did it: They were never alone, there was always other people with them. Rick spent time at Amethyst’s house to help her parents with domestic things, or just to hang out and play with Amethyst and her siblings. Amethyst also went regularly to Rick’s house to play on the trampoline with him and his brother, or to help in their house renovation projects. Most of the time Rick drove her home with a third person, other times her Mom came to pick her up. That’s how her Mom got to spend time in Rick’s house and getting to know his parents.
There was no romantic behavior between Rick and Amethyst. They treated each other like buddies. They did not try to say cute things to each other. They laughed a lot though. Many of their friends tried to encourage them to take the next step and be a couple (I’m glad to say that I was an exception and they both thanked me for that). They resented that, since they have always behaved strictly as friends.
Like most of my friends, they have read “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” and believed in courtship. Recreational dating wasn’t for them.
Amethyst who confided in me as often as I confided in her, told me, “I love Rick, but I’m not in love with him. He’s my best friend. I think it’s wrong that people are gossiping that we’re more than friends.”
They spent most of their free time at each other’s house, with their families and friends. When Amethyst turned seventeen, her Mom said, “Now you and Rick can court!” Amethyst was shocked! She had to explain to her Mom that she and Rick were just friends, and that she did not want to think about courting.
Rick, who had been her close friend for a couple of years now, began to do some serious thinking without telling her about it. He talked to his pastor about her and their friendship for the last two years. The pastor told him, “Go for it!” Easier said than done! Rick decided to wait before taking the next step. He did not want to ruin the friendship he had with Amethyst. So he prayed and waited on God.
I regularly spent time with Amethyst and she looked happy and satisfied with her friendship with Rick. It didn’t look like she wanted more out of it. She was always cheerful, smiling and laughing. Several guys had expressed their romantic interest to her that year. Kindly, she simply told them that she didn’t want to bother about romance at this time of her life yet, and that when she’s ready for courtship and marriage, God would let her know. Until then romance would have no part in her life.
Three month after Amethyst’s seventeen birthday, Rick talked to her parents without letting her know about it. He stated his intentions for courtship and marriage with her, and asked for their approval. They gladly approved, and Rick’s own parents gave their blessings too. The next Sunday, when Rick was at Amethyst’s house, her Mom announced, “Amethyst guess what? Rick, your father and I had a talk earlier and it was about…you. Rick will tell you about it. Rick, why don’t you take her outside so you can have privacy.”
Amethyst knew that something big was happening because her parents usually don’t allow her to be alone with a guy. She went outside with Rick. Then, with a huge smile on his face, he told her that he wanted to court her to win her heart and marry her. He said that he wanted to prove himself worthy of her, and that he thought that they would be good for each other. Amethyst was overwhelmed, yet she managed to smile just as big and say, “I agree.”
The news of their courtship spread like wildfire, and by Wednesday everyone in our College and Career group learned about it. A friend called me and told me about it, although Amethyst begged people to not tell me anything because she wanted to tell me in person and watch me scream in surprise. When I learned the news, I was puzzled. Just a few weeks ago she told me that she wasn’t in love with him. How could she change her mind so fast? The friend who called me suggested that she lied to me. That hurt me because Amethyst was a close friend. I wanted to talk to her and find out.
On Friday I picked her up at her house and I drove to a little white bridge overlooking a small river. We leaned on the bridge and watched the sunset. “But you told me just a few weeks ago that you were not in love with him. What made you change your mind so fast?” I asked. Then she said that incredible thing, “I haven’t changed my mind. I’m still not in love with him.” That was extraordinary! I joked, “Don’t guard your heart too well, or you might end up guarding it even after you’re married!” She laughed and said, “I’m not in love with him, but I can see the possibility of feeling that way for him one day. He told me too that he did not want me to give him my heart yet. He said that he wanted to win it, to prove himself worthy of my love. Isn’t he wonderful?”
I asked, “If you’re not in love with him, then what do you feel for him?”
“Adoration”
“What’s the difference between the two. What do you mean by adoration?”
“Adoration is the feeling of caring greatly for someone. It’s the feeling of infatuation. It’s intense. It’s a crush. It’s wonderful but not as wonderful as being in love. Being in love is greater.”
“What’s being in love to you?”
“Being in love is when I trust him completely to handle my very life, my very existence and my whole future until I die. When I can put my self, my life, and my future under his authority, and under his leading. When I know that I’m going to spend the rest of my life with him. When I entrust myself to him completely, knowing that he listens to God. That I can submit to him, because he submits to God, and it’s like I submit to God through him. To me that’s being in love, and I don’t feel that way about him yet. The courtship will give him the opportunity to prove himself to me.”
During their friendship, up to the time where Rick officially proposed courtship to her, they never talked about romantic feelings, or attraction. Amethyst never complimented Rick’s looks flirtatiously. She never told him he looked cute, although he looked like an Armani model.
“What are you doing?” she asked me as I fumbled in my purse.
“I’m looking for a pen and paper, to write down what you tell me. What you say is good. Those are good principles and guidelines to follow, and I need to write them down! ”
She laughed, and kept on talking.
Until the courtship proposal, Amethyst didn’t discuss her crush with anyone, except God. Not even with her parents, her sister, or her girlfriends. Think of the self-control it required! Me, on the other hand, when I have a crush, I think nothing of telling a few friends about it…but because I have Amethyst’s example now, next time that happens I will try to keep it only between me and God. She surrendered her attraction to God, and trusted Him. She was resolute in guarding her heart. She prayed that when it’s her turn to court, it would be absolutely perfect and that it would glorify Him.
Up until then, she talked to her friends as if Rick was just a friend. She never hinted at any feelings beyond friendship with him. Never ever. Upon confrontation, she would say something like, “He’s just a good friend. Only God has my heart. No one else.”
She talked about Rick’s future wife as someone else than her. She didn’t claim or hint at any ownership of him. It must have been painful to her to talk about him as if he belonged to another woman, but she was being wise. She knew that Rick wasn’t hers so long as he didn’t propose a courtship.
I know that for girls, when we think of courtship, we have visions of something wildly romantic…being swept off our feet…wooed with flowers, jewelry, poetry, pledges of undying love and other romantic gestures. But Rick wasn’t the romantic type. He was more of a guys’ guy, very down to earth. He was the life-of-the-party type of guy, loud, goofy and playful.
I was wondering if Amethyst was disappointed that Rick wasn’t wildly romantic.
She said, “Of course I would like Rick to woo me with flowers and jewelry, but I won’t ask him. I tell God about it. He knows what I want and I trust Him for moving Rick to do that if that is His will. I trust that God knows what I need better than I do.” Oh, I want to have a faith like that! The peace of mind that it must bring to simply, quietly trust God instead of demanding things our way.
I asked her about the physical boundaries that they set for their courtship. She said, “I don’t want to kiss until I’m sure about my feelings. I want to wait till we’re engaged if we’ll ever be. I don’t want to assume anything. Courtship is not a commitment, it’s to find out if we are compatible enough for marriage.”
She opened the notebook with the pastel cover she was carrying, to a list of do’s and don’t that they had discussed and agreed on. The do’s list included: holding hands, him putting his arm around her shoulders, light hugs or sideways hugs, being alone on an official date once a month in the daytime (the rest of the time they just hang out with family and friends like they’ve always done). The don’t list included: kissing, tight hugs, being together at night without supervision from relatives or friends, love talk (they want to wait until the engagement for that. They feel it’s premature to talk about something as sacred and as great as love until there is an assurance that they are going to be married).
They also agreed that they should try to not be alone during the daytime too (at the exception of their monthly date). They don’t do that for fear that they’d fall into sin without those boundaries. I know both of them very well, and even if you put a gun against their head they wouldn’t touch each other inappropriately. They cherish each other’s purity too much for that. They are out to protect each other’s purity (it’s pretty obvious because of the rules they made for themselves). Those boundaries are more for their emotional protection. They don’t want to be all fuzzy with debilitating feelings yet. They want to be clear headed enough during their courtship to determine if they are compatible enough to be husband and wife.
She told me, “We don’t want to assume that we’ll get married. We trust God to guide us.” About the list she said, “This is our list. We made it for ourselves, not for others. I understand that we are all different, and other Christians who are courting have their own list. Some of them have more do’s than we have, and other have more don’t than we have. We don’t all have the same areas of temptation. That’s why we should seek God’s will in making the list. Only He knows what list is perfect for each couple.” I squealed admiringly, “I can’t believe you’re only seventeen! You’re so mature!” She chuckled and she said with her serene voice, “It does not come from me. It’s God. Rick and I wouldn’t be able to be so wise on our own. It’s just because we pray and seek God’s will.”
I asked her, now that they are courting, what’s the game plan? She said, “I let Rick lead the courtship and he’s the one who will find ways to determine our compatibility. I trust that God would lead him about what to do since he listens to God.” She didn’t feel that she needed to plan out what the courtship should be. She gave the control to Rick.
The reasoning behind it is well thought out. If he doesn’t lead the courtship competently, then he’s not going to be a competent head of household, let alone being the head of her life and future. If she can’t trust him to lead the courtship competently, if she can’t submit to his lead in courtship, how will she ever be able to trust him enough to lead their marriage?
I asked her about her hopes and dreams of marriage. To my own surprise she said, “I refuse to imagine my future marriage and how it should be. I don’t allow myself to daydream about it. I want to leave my imagination and expectation out of it. I just trust God, and I don’t want my idea of how it should be get in the way of God’s expectation for it. I don’t know how it’s going to be, and I don’t want to know. I want to let God surprise me. For the same reason, Rick and I have decided to not talk about our future. Because we don’t know if we’re going to have a future together. It’s not up to us to decide but to God. Only if we get engaged, shall we be able to talk about our future marriage. During courtship, we don’t want to assume we’ll be married.” I asked, “What do you talk about mainly?” “We talk about the present, about our lives as they are right now. We stay grounded in reality that way. There’s no imagination.”
Months ago, she e-mailed me a poem that she wrote:
Your thoughts charge to take which you so deeply desire
But wisdom and love tell you no
You deny flesh, so that you might more fully love
How wonderful you are!
You have desires
But they are held back for the set time
That the desires might be fulfilled
And experienced in the fullest
That is wisdom folks! And from someone so young…We should all make this poem ours, so that someday we might experience the fulfillment of our desires to the fullest.
Here is an e-mail she sent me two weeks after our conversation on the white bridge:
“Today I went over to his house to help him deconstruct and clean up ( for future reference I charge $ 27.75 per hour for house renovation for anyone else but Rick ). I’m just kidding! My bones hurt from using the sledge hammer. He asked me, if I thought there was anything he needed to work on concerning his character.”
Stop, right here! If it were you in her shoes, what would you say if your potential spouse asked you that question? Think about the type of response you would give.
Now, be honest, did you think, “Well, I’m going to pray and ask God what He wants me to say in that situation”? Did you? Is prayer that important to you that you consult God in all your ways? Here is the answer Amethyst gave:
“So I said, ‘Rick, I see God working and changing you and that you are willing, therefore, I want God to change you. If God changes you it will be true change, not just something to make lil’ Amethyst happy. Therefore, just keep your eyes on God.’ Rick said he was content with that answer. Praise God! I didn’t give in to the idea ‘I might be able to get him to change’ : bad thinking. MY God is Good. ”
All I can add to such godly wisdom is,
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight.” Prov. 3:5-6 NIV
In May, 3 months after Rick and Amethyst made their courtship official, Rick proposed. Their engagement was announced within two days to everyone who knew them at the Church. Rick bragged about the sparkling diamond ring he put on his sweetheart’s finger. He was fond of holding Amethyst’s hand and of showing it to everyone who passed by. It made me laughed, because usually it’s the girl who flashes her ring, not the guy!
One of the things they agreed upon before was to wait until they were at least engaged to have their first kiss. So, I asked a beaming Amethyst:
“Did he kiss you?” “No, he didn’t. We know that we can kiss now and that would be fine. But we decided to be patient and to wait until our wedding day to kiss. Our first kiss will be at the altar with God’s blessings. We want to glorify God with our relationship. We want to show the world that such purity is possible and be an example to our friends and relatives. We’ll have a beautiful love story to tell our children!”
Rick and Amethyst also decided to limit the time they see each other. They picked certain days of the week to spend time together with the company of friends and family, and certain days where they would not see each other. They did that to avoid monopolizing each other’s time, and to spend quality time with their friends. I mean, don’t you hate it when a couple is so obsessed with each other that they neglect their friends? Amethyst and Rick were not like that, and they valued their other friends enough to take measures to prevent such a thing from happening. My friendship with Amethyst was not affected by the engagement. I still spent afternoons with her regularly. She called me regularly to talk on the phone as well. She did not talk incessantly about Rick as one would fear. Instead, she talked incessantly about her relationship with God and what God was doing in her life. She had her focus on the right person: Jesus Christ.
(originally from the “Christian Courtship” Message Board on OpenDiary.com, July 2001)
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