Young Ladies Christian Fellowship » Courtship

The Man I Prayed For

Lanier — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 14:26:34 +0000

Dear God, I prayed, all unafraid,
(as we’re inclined to do)
I do not need a handsome man
But let him be like You;
I do not need one big and tall
Nor need he be some genius
Or wealthy, Lord, at all;
But let his head be high, dear God,
And let his eye be clear,
His shoulders straight,
Whate’er his state
Whate’er his earthly sphere;
And let his face have character,
A ruggedness of soul,
And let his whole life show,
Dear God,
A singleness of goal;
That when he comes
(as he will come)
With quiet eyes aglow
I’ll understand that he’s the man
I prayed for long ago.

Ruth Bell, written in 1939 before she met Billy
published in Never Let it End: Poems of a Lifelong Love

Courtship DTR

Gretchen — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 15:28:06 +0000

We live in a fallen world. One of the evidences of this is that we really have no adequate term to describe the way in which young Christian men and women should get together. Perhaps some time after Christians return to a more obedient practice, we will have been doing it long and well enough to be able to name whatever it is we are doing.

In the meantime, we must use such terms as we have, hence, biblical courtship or biblical dating. We must reject the pattern of abdication, disobedience, and sexual immorality which we see all around us; hence, our rejection of recreational dating, or the modern dating system.

But in doing this, we are bound to use whatever terms we select in a qualified sense. Some couple who “date” are in closer conformity with biblical principles than other couples who embrace the “courtship” model. So in this book I shall routinely refer to courtship, or biblical courtship, and sometimes to biblical dating. If a courting couple goes on a date, we should not all panic and relegate this horror to the same category as nation rising up against nation, or kingdom against kingdom. The end is not yet.

-Douglas Wilson, Her Hand In Marriage (book not endorsed by ylcf.org)

My cousins called me the “Pintship Preacher.” At the ripe old age of thirteen, I was an absolute believer in courtship. The only problem was (in retrospect), believing in courtship presents a slight problem when you aren’t exactly of courting age. I soon learned to term it “waiting instead of dating”. But that really raised the eyebrows of the people who already doubted I’d find a husband in our small town. I told them God knew who my husband was and I was waiting on Him to bring us together.

Well, God turned out to be a pretty good matchmaker. He even found me a guy who had also grown up homeschooled and believed in courtship. Well, sort of. In reality, the young man who became my husband had the old-fashioned belief that God was the ultimate Author on the subject of relationships. In fact, I think Merritt had only read about one other book on the topic in his life. (Almost shocking to a girl who read little else.)

Not only that, but he shattered half the preconceived notions and “convictions” I’d had about romance and relationships. He did ask my dad permission to “court” me. He even got my dad’s permission before he put a ring on my finger. But the “perfect formula” of a guy talking to my dad before I’d ever noticed the guy existed? I know it does happen, but it was certainly not the way God wrote our story. And let me tell you, God writes better loves stories than I could ever dream up, even my wildest imaginations.

Elisabeth could tell you all about it. She’s the official “courtship story link collector” for ylcf.org. But sometimes, when she writes a couple asking for permission to share the link to their story, we have to laugh at their surprised responses: “We never really considered our relationship a courtship…”

I refer to the time when Merritt officially had my dad’s permission to court me as our “courtship.” My mother and grandmother use the same word to describe the years leading up to their marriages—many years before Joshua Harris was born! In fact, not even Bill Gothard originated the word courtship. (And both Joshua Harris and Bill Gothard have admitted to learning a thing or two since they first starting using the C-word. I have, too.)

A few generations earlier, in the year 1828, Noah Webster defined courtship as: “the act of wooing in love, soliciting a woman to marriage.” Thus, those same couples who are shocked we want to use their love story on our courtship stories page realize that their story actually does fit the definition of the word “courtship”—at least in our favorite dictionary. “We never really considered our relationship a courtship…though by your definition, it seems to meet the criteria quite nicely,” agreed one such couple.

When I was a teenager, just as all the internet abbreviations like LOL were being added to our vocabulary, there was another new one, that didn’t (necessarily) have anything to do with the web: DTR. It’s a conversation known as “Define The Relationship”, initiated by either party, in an effort to determine where the relationship is going. Maybe it’s time for us to have a DTR about the word “courtship.” Or rather, an un-DTR.

The truth is, courtship is not about what you call it. It is not even about how you do it. As much as we want our daughters to have godly, pure, Christ-honoring relationships, we don’t plan to raise them to believe in “courtship.” The word “courtship” is subject to definition. “Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other,” does not need any definition. If you’re looking for a DTR, there it is, right in Ephesians 4:32. And for further explanation, see Hebrews 13:4: “Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled.”

Call your relationship whatever you like. But whether you court, date, betroth, or dort, do it all to the glory of God!

Meanwhile, we’ll be sticking with the word “courtship” (of Noah Webster’s definition) to describe the memorial stones of God’s faithfulness that we’ve collected here on ylcf.org: the stories of how God brought each man and woman together in His own way, in His own time.

I’m an ardent fan of (and believer in!) Christ-centered relationships and purity in such, but I’m not a fan of formulas, plans, or even, sometimes, books giving the so-called “how-to,” unless they are strictly adhering to the basic principles found in God’s Word…

My biggest pet peeve lies in the “terms” debate. “No, I’m not dating him,” they say. “We are courting.” Oh, thank you… that’s clear as mud. The very terms mean so little anymore; they’ve been twisted to mean so many very, very different things.

Who cares what we call it? And who cares–really–how it all plays out? As long as God is leading, guiding, directing and being sought every step of the way… it’s all good. God doesn’t work by formula. He works by principle.

-Ashleigh in “So do we call it ‘courtship’ or is it ‘dating’?” at Heart & Home
(follow the link to read the rest of Ashleigh’s thoughts and all the great discussion that followed her post)

P.S. Thanks to Ashleigh for creating a new logo for our Courtship Stories section. It’s coming soon–and yes, it will still feature the word “courtship.” And just in case you haven’t noticed yet, you can subscribe to the YLCF Courtship Stories feed in your feed reader. Not only will it tell you the names of the latest couple featured in YLCF’s index of Courtship Stories, but it gives the direct link to their story, as well!

What True Love Is

Chantel — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 07:00:53 +0000

Falling in Love is amazing. It is a great smile-increaser. It can make the heart flutter when that certain someone walks into the room, when you hear their name or see their face. And when you hear those three most beautiful words for the first time, for a moment the world seems to stand still.

But Being in Love is where the true beauty and joy come from. That steady, constant boundary of love is the sweetest, most precious and beautiful thing that a heart can ever know. True love is a little taste of Heaven here on earth.

True love is a treasure that all who have should guard, and if you’re still on the outskirts, looking in and longing for a bit of love for yourself, take this time to know what True Love really is, for just like anything of great value, Love has a counterfeit- a deceitful “try-to-look-alike” that is cheap and worthless. The best way to know the true from the false is to study the true…and trust in the one who’s way is always perfect to guide your steps.

True Love’s counterfeit is often Satan’s best weapon against real happiness, and one of his most successful snares to destroy and wound: its called “love”, but under the disguise, you’ll find infatuation. It can feel so good, look so good, consume so much of us that reason heads to the wind, and red flags that at one point would have caused us to be alarmed don’t even make us blink.

True love is a wonderful, happy thing. It is deep, and lasting and with proper cultivation and feeding, you can count on it to bloom and grow happily ever after. Infatuation is shallow, and is based on “feel good” rather than on what is best and right. It tends to take things into its own hands, and wants its own time. It is selfish, really, and while it puts on a good show and may ‘last’ for a good long time, the real kind of happiness gets left behind, and love never will be what it could have been if we’d only waited for the right love in the right time. True love takes more work. But it is worth every bit of work and more, because it is priceless, and it can last forever.

Infatuation and Love can be hard to tell apart, especially if you’ve gotten tangled into the former, but side by side, under the Light of God’s word, we find that it’s the little things that add up to the big things, and that they really aren’t the same at all.

I attended a meeting when I was in my mid teens, and someone handed me a paper I kept in my bible. It put Love to the True Test, and laid it out as clear as anything I’d ever seen:

True Love is:
A high and holy principle
• Looks beyond externals to “heart” content.
• Real
• Calm
• Deep
• Discriminating (good judgment)
• Hears counsel, seeks counsel from wise, godly counselors and God’s word.
• Sees both strengths and weaknesses clearly
• Careful, responsible
• Speaks:
- Wholesomely (pure words)
- Thoughtfully
- Wisely
• Desires:
-Truth
- Purity
- Goodness
• Constant
• Strengthened in trial
• Directed by principle and not by feeling or emotions
• Has meaning and Goals
• Honest, exemplifies integrity
• Trusting and trustworthy before God and man
• Restrained, can live within boundaries
• Guided by godly principle
• Waits for God’s time and Ways, even when it crosses self.

Infatuation is:

Misguided by uneducated feelings and emotions
• Attracted & captivated by the externals (looks) more than the heart
• Tries to impress, is fake
• Fiery
• Shallow/superficial
• Impetuous
• Unreasonable, shuns counsel (of parents, those who are godly and seek our good)
• Blind to Danger Signals and Red Flags (rose-tinted glasses)
• Careless, irresponsible
• Speaks:
- Flirtatiously, suggestively
- Thoughtlessly
- Foolishly
• Desires:
- What’s popular
- Momentary pleasure
- To have only a “Good time”
• Changeable
• Dies when severely tested
• Easily swayed
• Lives for the moment
• Deceives, misleads, lies to self and others
• Controlling
• Impulsive
• Desires its own way and time
• Rationalizes what is true and good in order to fulfill its own wishes
• Driven by selfishness
• Thoughtless of others (family, people who should matter)
• Driven by lust- under cover or openly

What does your love look like? If you haven’t experienced love yet, the real stuff is worth waiting for, and take time now to know what True Love is, what it looks like and when Love comes, put it to the ultimate test.

If you think you may be in love, examine your heart. Is your love pure, is it godly, is it right? Before marriage, purpose in your heart that you will not allow Satan to sneak his counterfeit over on you. And if you find your love isn’t real, isn’t right, no matter what it may cost, no matter how much it may hurt, no matter if it breaks your heart, don’t settle for anything less than the very best that there could ever be- True Love.

Related Must Read Posts:

God’s Truth and Red Flags (1) & God’s Truth and Red Flags (2)

Watch Out for Wolves (1) & Watch Out for Wolves (2)

This List was modified from a collection by Tom & Alane Waters in their “Journey” series

First Kisses

Gretchen — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 16:09:01 +0000

It was the summer before I turned 13. The summer before I met Merritt. The summer my world changed from that of a little girl to a teenager. It was the summer I read His Perfect Faithfulness by Eric and Leslie Ludy.

All I knew about dating was what I observed from afar in the church youth group. I didn’t think I wanted any part of it. And I never could picture being on the stereotypical first date with a guy I hardly knew. In the story of Eric and Leslie’s courtship, I saw a better way, a way I wanted for myself. And in the style of that first generation of those who believed in courtship, I paved my path with good intentions and extremes.

In my search for standards that were desperately needed, I embraced legalism. I confused modesty with extreme frumpiness, and my better than thou attitude about my apparel stood between me and many a friendship. I wore my purity like a badge on my arm instead of as a quiet covenant of my heart. I had my life all figured out at thirteen-except I put God in a box and left my future husband’s thoughts out of the picture entirely.

My romantic, almost-thirteen-year-old heart was enraptured by the story of Eric and Leslie saving their first kiss (with each other) for their wedding day. It sounded beautiful, romantic, perfect. I knew right then and there that is what I would do. But I did not just quietly embrace the commitment to a higher standard of purity than what I saw around me; I made sure I told everyone that I was saving my first kiss for my husband. I did more than just draw the line in the sand for myself; I thought everyone else should as well.

It would take many years to learn that there is a difference in saving your first kiss for your husband and saving your first kiss for your wedding day (which I viewed then as one and the same). It would take a lot of conviction on the part of the Holy Spirit to see how I made the issue one of pride, not purity. And it would take even more years before I felt like I could share my story with others without fear of what they would say (even more pride).

But I have a little sister who is thirteen years old. And for my little sister and the countless others like her, I write this. So that you won’t make the same mistakes I did. So that you will embrace a high standard of purity without becoming prideful.

That summer when I read Eric and Leslie Ludy’s book I little guessed I would soon be meeting my future husband. I had no idea the affectionate, godly man he would be. Or how he would shake my every conviction to the core. Not because he was a wild, rebellious boy-but because he was a godly one. Not because he thought my convictions were all bad-but because he wanted to know where they were in the Bible. Not because he led me down the wrong path-but because he challenged me to look at my extra-biblical rules for what they were.

“I have found that a man will usually be as much of a gentleman as a lady requires and probably no more.”
-Elisabeth Elliot

I adhered to the idea that I had to draw the line of purity or else I’d be taken advantage of. And in my interactions with other guys, I was only too thankful to be labeled “untouchable“! But I had yet to learn about submission to the leadership of the man who would be my husband. Or letting the man lead and guide the relationship.

When I finally realized what I was doing, that the only reason I was not letting the man I was going to marry kiss me was because of my pride, that in fact I was not showing him love as I could and should be at that point in our courtship-I let him kiss me. And my only regret was that I had insisted on doing it my way for so long and hadn’t let him do it in his time and way to begin with.

I’ve been to weddings where the couple made such a big deal out of the fact that it was their first kiss and did so much kissing that it was awkward for everyone there. I’ve been to weddings where that first tender kiss, displayed for hundreds of pairs of eyes, is nothing but sweet, tender, and rather embarrassed. Personally, I’m rather glad our first kiss wasn’t in front of all those people. But I wholeheartedly applaud those couples who wait until the preacher says, “You may now kiss the bride.” They probably saved themselves a lot of difficulty during their courtship by drawing that line.

But as Josh Harris has always said, purity is more than just a line in the sand. You can be very impure in thought and attitude without your lips ever touching. Just as you can share kisses without sinning. You have not lost your purity if you’ve kissed someone. But if you save that first pure, innocent kiss to give to the man whom you get to spend the rest of your life kissing, you’ll save a lot of heartache, and give him an incredible gift.

“Kissing is a means of getting two people so close together that they can’t see anything wrong with each other.”
-Gene Yasenak

As I tell my little sister, watch “Pamela’s Prayer“, read The Princess and the Kiss, read Eric and Leslie’s story and the other stories like theirs. They will remind you of all the reasons you are saving your kisses for the man you’re going to marry. And if he or you or your parents want you to wait until your wedding day to be sure that it’s your husband you’re kissing, do it. Just as a hands-off courtship makes it much easier to know you are making the right decision, without too much emotion involved, keeping your lips to yourself will make it easier to maintain a heart and standard of purity. I don’t recommend kissing for long courtships or in situations where couples see each other each and every day-it’s asking for trouble! But if he wants to kiss you when you’re engaged, let him!

“I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell this to my children they just about throw up.”
-Barbara Bush

That first date I could never quite imagine finally came not too many months before my wedding day. With a man who was already my very best friend. There was nothing awkward about the way we enjoyed our cream of broccoli soup and gourmet entrées. It was the most delightful first date. And, true to all the stereotypical first date stories, he kissed me afterwards as we stood on the porch steps in the sunset.

If you can’t trust the man enough to let him kiss you, then by all means, don’t even kiss him goodbye-run the opposite direction. But if he’s a man worth marrying, he won’t even try to kiss you until he knows you are ready to be kissed, until he’s committed to marrying you. I’ll never forget the way Merritt looked at me one time as he kissed me, and said in a way that spoke volumes, “I would never do anything to hurt my best friend.” I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that was true. Which is why then, and now, I feel incredibly safe in his arms.

And the kiss on our wedding day? It must have been pretty wonderful, too. We’d planned for my cousin to ring the antique bell in the church steeple as we kissed. I asked Merritt later, “Did they remember to ring the bell?” He looked at me and grinned. Apparently, his brand new wife had been so distracted by that kiss she never heard the bell ringing.

Watch out for Wolves! (Part Two)

Lanier — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 14:22:00 +0000

This post is second in a two-part series on the dangers of the counterfeit in relationships. (Part One is here.)

Like many young ladies in a similar situation, when I was about 18, I made a list of the things I would like in a spouse. Very reasonable, indispensable things, which I will not bore you or betray my trivialness with. But five years later, after some little experience and a lot of observation, I made another list. It had one item on it. I asked the Lord to bring me the godliest man He could find. A man who aimed to be like Jesus, humble, manly in meekness, devoted to God body and soul. With tears in my eyes, I want to tell you that He did just that. And in an extra effervescence of His love for me, He went back to those sweet little things I had asked for in my naivety and He threw them in as well. And more—so much more that my husband overshot my ideals much as a full-blown rose garden does a picture of a rose in a magazine.

The outward credentials I observed in the man that would one day be my husband did not come from the man himself. They came from everyone that knew him—from the playful ribs of his roommates to the affectionate admiration of life-long friends. They came from the genuine love I sensed in him while watching him minister the love of Christ in a way that would have seemed easy had it not been for the cost he had obviously paid of his whole life. They were presented to me in the way that he responded to my family and my friends, to his family, to children and to animals (don’t laugh—surely a man’s treatment of the ‘least of these’, the ones most vulnerable to mistreatment and most unable to reciprocate in purely human terms, sheds a light on the real instincts of his heart that might not otherwise be seen).

Literature and life alike are scattered with histories of men and women who failed to recognize the mate of genuine worth until it was too late. So many angels of light masquerade as the real deal, it can be baffling to a young woman—particularly a young woman whose affections are already engaged—to distinguish the counterfeit from the genuine. But romance is not a game, much as the standards of this world would like to convince you otherwise, and the things that might be somewhat niggling before you marry will inflate into giants of intolerability under the magnified intimacy of daily life together. You must be courageous enough to demand not perfection, but a rigorous, relentless honesty, in your intended as well as in yourself. You must be willing to walk away if the man’s professions don’t match up to what you know to be true of the character of the Christ-like. For at the end of the day, the only one who is going to have to answer for your choices is…you.

If one of the sheep wanders off and gets tangled in a thicket, all Juno and Di can do is bark like crazy till their shepherd is alerted to the problem. Juno can’t administer an herbal drench, much as she would like to, based on the way she whinnies and whines outside of the stall if a sheep so much as coughs. Only the shepherd can do that. The inexorable barking the breed is known for might seem excessive, if not downright annoying to the uninitiated (or to the neighbors ). But my sheep have recognized it as their safety. One of the loveliest sights I have witnessed in this shepherding adventure is the way that the animals all scurry to be near the dogs when a threat is perceived. They flock together, for ages of instinct have taught them that it is the sheep alone that is in danger.

As Anne Shirley learned, Tennyson by firelight is not enough. Neither are glib quotations of Scripture. Neither is a degree from a Bible college or a record of ‘high standards’. It is much easier to accrue a list of approved ‘spiritual’ credentials than it is to get up every day and try to live as Jesus would. Beware of the man that has not learned to control his feelings, his tongue, his hands. Treat the concerns of those who love you best and most disinterestedly with respectful consideration. Haunt the Throne Room with your prayers for wisdom. And be willing to walk in the wisdom revealed.

Above all, love what the Lord God Himself loves:

For man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart. (I Samuel 16: 7)

Further reading:
Mr. Right
Ideals and Expectations, Part One and Part Two
God’s truth and Red Flags, Part One and Part Two
how a man…

how a man…

Gretchen — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 14:07:00 +0000

Josh was going out of his way this potluck Sunday. As he offered time and again to get Dr. L. something more to drink, we were pretty sure Josh had something up his sleeve. I never did find out what Josh did to the next cup of water, but the conversation it all sparked took me for a long walk down memory lane.

As Josh waited on him hand and foot, Dr. L. took the opportunity to lecture the two young ladies sitting across from him: “When a young man comes courting, you watch how he treats his mother.”

Having eaten his dessert, Dr. L. had more wisdom to share: “Watch how his father treats his mother, too.”

I smiled at my husband seated next to me. I was thinking of how I fell in love with him. How I could add another piece of advice to the conversation which had ended while I was in the land of memories: “Watch how a man treats his sisters. Don’t marry him unless that’s the way you want to be treated.”

Not to say that how a young man treats his mother is unimportant. But I’ve seen good mothers command respect and affection from even the most wayward of sons.

And a girl should have her eyes wide open when meeting the parents of a potential suitor. Their marriage was his first and primary example of wedded life, for good or for bad.

But I fell in love with my husband for how he treated his sisters. Yes, he showed love and respect to his mother. Yes, his parents had a godly, committed marriage. But it seemed to me the brother-sister relationship would be most like what we’d someday experience as husband and wife, best friends–with the added element of romance, of course.

So I watched Merritt with his three sisters. And what I saw made me nearly swoon.

He rubbed his sisters’ sore shoulders. He never failed to get them to smile when they were having a bad day. He always had his arm around one of them for a picture.

No, he wasn’t waiting on their every need or opening every door for them all the time. There was plenty of brother-sister banter. But he helped with the dishes and thanked them for the food they cooked.

And I knew that I would be the happiest woman in the world only to be treated like that for the rest of my life.

Now I’m married to him. And it’s better than I could have imagined.

He is, of course, more romantic than Gilbert and better-looking than any other man on the face of the earth. But in the day-to-day interaction we share as husband and wife, I think his sisters would recognize their brother quite readily. Which is why I’m glad I didn’t just fall in love with his sense of humor and his dark brown eyes, because they are only the icing on the cake to the way he treats me: just like the way he always treated his sisters…

God’s Truth and Red Flags (Part II)

Gretchen — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 14:21:00 +0000

Rough Spots
pre-marital and post-marital counsel
from the rocking chair of 54 years of growing in love

by Dr. Bill Brink (Gretchen’s grandfather)

Pre-trip things we should be discussing are possible problems along the way: politics, religion, morals, manners, money, likes, dislikes, standards of behavior, and child discipline.

Work on the rough spots here and now. They are potholes in the road. Don’t just paint them over the same color. Rough spots cause friction, friction causes wear and tear, and tears tend to fragment unions or directions. A square and a circle can very seldom be teammates, and rough spots get rougher when the going gets tougher.

Only the oil of the spirit of God can smooth out these rough spots if we allow Him to indwell and work in our hearts. And that is sanctification of the Spirit which we need to accept, and if we don’t accept it, that’s disobedience.

Spotting Rough Spots

Are you both born again and indwelt by the Holy Spirit of God? Can you discuss this freely? Are you both led by the Spirit of God? (Galatians 5:18) Do you really walk in the Spirit of God? This is the protection against fulfilling the lusts of the flesh and having a car wreck matrimonially speaking. Are you bearing spiritual fruit? (Galatians 5:22)

Commitment and surrender should be synonymous. If you’re going to tie the knot then you probably better be able to commit and surrender and give up to your traveling companion. (Romans 12:1)

Can you measure his or her commitment? To you? To God? Does he really know the Lord? Do you really know him? If he spends very little time, attention, etc. on you, how would you measure his commitment? What if he says he is committed to the Lord and spends no time reading His Word, in prayer, or worshiping…?

Will pressure from a job, activities, or family demands affect his or her commitment, dedication, and consecration to you and to the Lord?

How does he treat his mother? His little sister? Does he show respect, love, and affection? Or is it only disinterest? If so, watch out!

What are your standards for income? Can you be content with what you have or do you need a lot more? Can you be content below the average income, standard of living, housing, clothes? What about missionaries living on much less than you have? Would you sacrifice to help them?

What is holiness? Is it just something at church or does it affect your walk? Is your sanctification progressing as 1 Peter 3:15 says it should be?

Some people don’t believe in repentance, but it means a change of purpose. Can you change one another’s purpose or direction or is that the job of the church, the mate, or the Holy Spirit?

If the guy says one thing but doesn’t mean it and then changes his mind, is it true repentance, turning around going the other way and intending to go the other way? Or is it just an emotional or volitional response—“I will change because then I can get what I want”? Is it a life-changing response? You need to recognize that before you start on this trek. Can he say “I’m sorry” and show it? So that you know it?

What is the standard of worship?

What is your and your mate’s focus right now? Will it change? Yes! Expect it! Can you handle change? Can you discuss this? Can you adapt to change?

Disagreements will occur. Small, medium, large. How do you handle the small ones? Can you submit? Can you give up your rights? Even if the other person is wrong (in your way of thinking)? What is your point of reference for determining a solution when you can’t agree?

Can you define loving with your “whole heart”? How much is your “whole heart”? Do I love my neighbor as myself? Do their ways irritate me? Am I a complainer with my neighbor? If I can’t get along with my neighbor no matter where I move, then how can I get along with my mate? (And if he tells you that his neighbor has never gotten along with him no matter where he moves, guess what? It was him, not the neighbor, and he won’t get along with you, either!)

Can you define love? In 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 there are eight positive and eight negative definitions of love. Can you read, discuss, learn, live, and love this way?

Pressure and Leaks

Down the road we will experience pressure from extenuating circumstances like flat tires, running out of gas, and getting lost. Will pressure affect our commitment to the destination?

That’s why time is really of the essence in learning these things. It takes time for pressure to build. Under pressure you may spot some leaks! Leaks are definitely yellow flags. And leaks usually get worse as time goes on. A blow out is a red flag. Our attitude will usually show in these situations. Is the attitude to impress others rather than to honor the Lord?

If you have not married yet…stop, look, observe, think! Consider your ways! How many yellow flags does it take to make one red flag? If you’re unconcerned about “little things” now, watch out! Little things, neglected, grow into bigger things!

If you have already married…consider your ways! Read Ephesians 5:22-33 together, discuss, and pray. Try with the indwelling Holy Spirit’s help to conform to the image of Christ and His pattern of love. He will lead us even when we are disobedient and unlovable because He gave Himself for us. That is the ideal pattern of love.

Consider your ways as you’re traveling along. What is your attitude to your neighbor, to your husband or wife, to the Lord who gave you each other? It’s too easy to take a detour. Consider your ways. Amen!

Photos: the newlywed Brinks in 1954
Bill Brink’s wife Jessica on “honeymoon” road trip across the USA in 1954 (top of page)

God’s Truth and Red Flags (Part I)

Gretchen — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 14:21:00 +0000

Pay Attention to the Signs
pre-marital and post marital counsel
from the rocking chair of 54 years of growing in love

by Dr. Bill Brink (Gretchen’s grandfather)

As we’re driving down the freeway of life, we have to pay attention to the signs. Don’t cross the double yellow line. Don’t go over the white line on your side of the road.

The same holds true in relationships. We need to pay attention to what the signs are. And as we get to know each other we need to truthfully ask: What are some of the yellow flags? What are some of the red flags? And can we discuss these together, appreciating them and wholeheartedly agreeing on the signs?

On the freeway of life (and love), speeds are often excessive. How many yellow flags does it take to slow you down? How many yellow flags equal one red flag? If you don’t slow down, you’ll probably either take the wrong turn or have a crash—spiritually or matrimonially. That’s when injuries can occur—pain, sorrow, and regrets.

If you have not married yet, answer the questions truthfully, with an unfeigned heart. Pay attention to the signs. Don’t go down the wrong road!

If you are already married, consider your ways. Even after you’re married, you still have to obey the rules of the road.

1. Which direction are we going? Examine yourselves first. Are you in the faith? Are you both on the same page spiritually? This isn’t just a yes or no answer. You’re starting out and you have to be going in the right direction. Can you recognize if there’s any spiritual growth in your traveling companion? Or is it winter time and there’s no growth? Is it all icicles? (This could be a yellow flag, or a red flag.) If there’s no growth, don’t go down that street. Yellow Flag? Wait! Red Flag? Run! (1 Corinthians 13:5)

2. What do you want to be when you get there? You are now becoming what you are going to be. Do you want to be, or be married to, a happy old grandpa or a grumpy old grandma? Are you observing your friend’s reactions to surprise, stress, fatigue, shortages?

3. Before we even start, have we passed the test of time? Do you really know who you’re traveling with? How long can you wait? Can you wait through trying circumstances and situations?

4. Are we living life to serve the Lord or is it just a fun trip? How long do you plan to keep serving the Lord on this trip? Everyone likes a fun vacation, but do you really enjoy what you’re doing to serve the Lord—or is it just that you were asked to come along?

5. Where are we going to spend our time when we stop? Is this an entertainment-oriented trip, a service-oriented trip, do you have someone that you need to visit? Where do you spend your free time? What does your friend spend his or her free time doing?

6. Are we content on this trip? Can you be content in this old car? Can you be content with the passenger you’re traveling with? Do you think you can change her as you’re traveling together? That’s a yellow flag. Do you think you can change him? That’s a red flag!

7. How much money do we need for this trip? That could be a yellow flag. If you really want more and really need more money, that could be a red flag.

8. Are we on the narrow road? Have you read Matthew 7:13-14, 22? Have you discussed it? Are you agreed on which road you’re going—the broad way or the narrow way? Can two walk together except they be agreed? (Amos 3:3) If you failed question number one, and you haven’t discussed this, re-read, re-examine, re-consider. Marriage is also a narrow road, and few there are that find it.

9. Are we taking a lot of extra baggage on this trip? That’s a yellow flag. Can you go down the narrow road for a long time with all this extra baggage? You have to strive to enter in at the narrow gate. How much do you need? (This goes back to #6 and #7.) If the car is overloaded with baggage or expectations, you’re not going to make it. You can’t take a lot of extra baggage along, nor can you be going in the opposite direction for it to work.

Time to stop and add up your score.

If you can’t discuss them, that’s a yellow flag.

And if you can’t agree on them, that’s a red flag.

Yellow Flags = Caution! Slow down!

Red Flags = Stop! Look! Listen! If danger exists, do not proceed!

How many yellow flags does it take to make a red flag? If three or four yellow flags are all you can stand, that’s a red flag: stop and reconsider (Haggai 1:5, 7), go back to go.

Or can you in Christian love put up with the one on the trip and spend the rest of your life traveling this road in His service and have a happy marriage?

Photo: Bill Brink on “honeymoon” road trip across the USA in 1954 to report to Uncle Sam

Related articles:
Coming soon! Part II: Rough Spots by Dr. Brink
Wisdom from a Grandfather by Dr. Brink
“You’re in the Army Now!” (the Brink’s courtship story)

Happily Ever After

YLCF — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 11:45:00 +0000

I originally sat down to write about my love story, my “Happily Ever After”, but then–as happened many times before–I was convicted. Something that I never actually choose to feel: conviction. Isn’t it funny how the things we need in life (such as conviction) are hardly ever the things we actually want? But thank the Lord that He is just and gives us the things we sometimes don’t particularly desire.

As I was thinking about my husband (how we met, how our courtship began, his proposal, our engagement, and the big day), the realization hit me that as wonderful as my husband is, this was not his doing. He did not bring us together, but my first Love did. Before you go thinking that this was my crush back in junior high, let me clarify. By first Love, I mean the creator of love, and every other emotion, the creator of you and me, the seasons, the snow outside, the whole entire universe.

I am just like any other girl; I love happy endings. Hand me a chick flick anytime! The realization hit me that this is not what true love is about. It is not when the boy meets girl, and their eyes lock and it is love at first sight. It is not the happily-ever-after, and it is not roses and chocolate on Valentine’s Day.

Love is a bloodstained cross. Love came in the form of a little baby in a manger that grew up to take on everyone’s sin at Calvary. Christ’s pierced hands and side are proof of this. He took on my every lustful thought, my snide remarks, my self-centeredness, my depression, and the list goes on for eternity more (and that is just for little ole me!). It is hard to comprehend that the creator of the universe gave the ultimate sacrifice and that He would give His love so freely to us. The crown of thorns that dug into His flesh does not create the type of love story that we like to think of today.

I am not saying that when God brings you to the right person at the right time that it is not love. It is indeed. Just remember that when that happens, the man He brings into your life is as human as you are. We should not make finding the right man our reason in life. Trust me–I am guilty of this myself. I have to stop myself from making an idol of my dear husband. That sounds quite strange, but it is true. It is sin to praise the creation and not the creator.

God will write your love story in His own time and way. Don’t forget that He is the maker of love, and He loves you more than any man ever could. He has the best in mind for you because you are His daughter. I challenge you to put your faith in Him and not the happily-ever-afters as I have done before.

- by Christine Hale
Photo (c) 2005 Natalie Nyquist

Courtship: A Daughter’s Perspective

Natalie Nyquist — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 14:22:00 +0000

Being the child of parents who successfully raised three children to “believe in” courtship, I’m often asked, “How did your parents do it? Did they just tell you not to date?”

Well, no. Training your kids to go against the grain of our society (and most youth groups) and “not date” involves much more than simply laying down the law on a sixteen-year old who has just been asked out. As is the case with all child training, teaching your kids about courtship starts much earlier than the teenage years. Obviously I can’t offer you any advice from a parents’ perspective (my girls are ages 3 yrs and 7 mos, so dating won’t be an issue for quite some time!) but I can share with you what my parents did with my siblings and me…

1. You must have a good relationship with your kids. My mom and dad lived by the adage, “Rules without relationship breed rebellion”. Being your child’s friend doesn’t mean that you aren’t “the boss” or that you don’t have the final say; it does mean, that you are approachable, open, and treat each child with respect. If your kids grow up wanting to please you, they will naturally be more open to the principles and standards that courtship involves.

2. You must train your children not to follow the crowd. The pressure on young people to “date around” is enormous, and if your teenager isn’t accustomed to standing alone, he or she may be tempted to cave in and do what “everyone else” is doing. Unfortunately, the pressure doesn’t always come from peers. I remember a lot of adults looking at me strangely when I, at seventeen and eighteen years of age, told them I didn’t date.

Family members may even fail to understand why your kids have “weird ideas” about dating, but that’s okay. Time will defend your case, and when your kids are grown, fully functional, and married to spouses who are the same, people who once doubted the sanity of your “ideas” will come asking you for advice.

Another good point to remember is this: teach your kids the principles of courtship, but don’t make them fearful of being friendly with the opposite sex. I’ve seen this happen many times in well-meaning families, and the results are self-defeating, at best. After all, the whole purpose of courtship is to ensure that your child goes into marriage, not only pure in body and mind, but ready to step up to the challenges and responsibilities of being a wife or husband. Kids who grow up thinking that all association with the opposite sex is “bad” will have an extremely difficult time relating to and developing a healthy relationship with their future husband or wife. Allow and encourage your son or daughter to have healthy and wholesome involvement with members of the opposite sex. Your teenage son should be able to be friendly with a nice Christian girl without his younger siblings singing the K-I-S-S-I-N-G song!

3. Pray. Perhaps most important of all, pray for your children. No doubt you already do that, but take it even a step further and pray for your children’s future spouses. My parents have told me countless times that they began praying for my future husband before I was even born. The answer to their prayers is the loving, commited man I married five years ago. I have no doubt whatsoever that my parents’ prayers had an enormous effect on Jeremy’s life, and were probably instrumental in his becoming a Christian… maybe I’ll share that story with you sometime.

If raising teenagers who embrace the principles of courtship seems a daunting task to you, never fear. It can be done! And for the glory of God and the preservation of the Christian home, it must be done. Never underestimate the power of your influence or your prayers… you, as a parent, can vastly affect the outcome of your child’s future. Take it from a grateful daughter who knows.

- by Kristy Howard, of the Homemaker’s Cottage

Setting Standards

Natalie Nyquist — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 22:07:00 +0000

In prelude to February 14 we will be sharing a series of wonderful articles on singleness and courtship by a variety of Team Members. Watch for a piece by Chantel tomorrow…

The below is a comment I gave in response to an article about physical touch before marriage. As tempting as it is as single girls to set high standards (and I am not discouraging physical purity or honoring a parent’s wishes), there is a point where even this good thing might go into dangerous, unhealthy territory.

I commend you for desiring to remain above reproach. However, I almost guarantee that five years from now you will look back and chuckle at how firm you were in areas that are not only Christian liberty, but ones that can be enjoyed to the glory of God!

It concerns me that girls might be so firm on waiting to even hold hands before marriage. Is it wrong to wait? Probably not. Is it “best”? More importantly, is it “best” across the board for young ladies? Here are my objections.

1) If you state this publicly others will hold you to it, even if you later change your mind. More than one friend of mine measured her purity by her ability to save her first kiss for the wedding altar. More than one friend of mine changed her mind before marriage and either battled intense guilt or was condemned by others for lowering her standards.

2) If you believe this, it is a great temptation to look down on others who have “lesser” standards and/or think that to do such is truly sinning, or at the very least, not as godly. Again, this is a symptom of the searching-for-God’s-best syndrome.

3) We girls are the last ones who should be setting the rules on “how these things should be in my courtship.” Certainly, if you felt that you did not want physical touch–especially for a good reason–I imagine any gentleman would honor that. However, in general, it is the gentleman and the maiden’s father who determine how the courtship and engagement should be….and yet sometimes we girls have it all planned out in our heads before we even meet our future mate–forgetting there are a lot of other people involved!

4) What if your beloved has not held to as strict a standard? He might have held a girl’s hand, hugged her or even kissed her….what would you do? Would you dismiss him as unworthy? Make him somehow prove that he was still pure? Feel your own efforts were wasted? Condemn him?

Has he truly sinned? Perhaps…but perhaps not. Will you be devastated if you cannot find a suitor who is “as pure” as you? You may have non-negotiable standards. But ruling out a suitor because he had held a girl’s hand?

5) There is a great danger in redefining purity according to a standard that is not God’s. Our Father clearly tells us what purity is and is not. But to say, as I see in some girls’ comments, that the advocation against premarital hand holding is “fighting for purity” is not true. Not according to the Bible’s definition.

6) As much as we would love to have the security of absolutes, abstaining from physical touch is not a guarantee that you will remain pure in a relationship–just as committing to courtship does not guarantee an absence of heartache or pain. Ask anyone who has been in love–just looking into your beloved’s eyes is very very wonderful and can stir up thoughts just like the sound of their voice or even a memory of them. This is the way God designed us! No matter what rules you make, we will be tempted. The key is how we respond to temptation and honor God with ourselves–in touch, in look, in speech, and in thought.

Physical touch should not claim all the limelight. The focus is much better placed on how wonderful and beautiful Godly romantic love is!

No One In Sight?

Natalie Nyquist — Wed, 01 Aug 2007 18:40:00 +0000

A young lady commented on last week’s “Seasons’ Perspectives” that she sometimes felt sad because she was single with no prospects in sight. This reminded me of some of the courtship stories on our site. There are quite a few testimonies of young ladies who seemed to have no hope of getting married because there was no one around. A few examples:

I am sure that there are more, but this is a good start. If any readers have thoughts or encouragement they would like to pass along, do send it our way.

And if the blog does not have new material everyday you know it is because I’m so busy I often forget to eat, much less make sure things like blogs are up-to-date. But thanks for your patience…I’ll make sure that at least three times a week an article is published. Beyond that…we’ll have to see.

Wisdom from a Grandfather

Gretchen — Tue, 29 May 2007 17:12:00 +0000

From a letter written to Gretchen some years ago by her grandfather…

Wisdom defined God’s way as this–the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. My daughter, if you will receive my words to lay up my commandments with Thee, so that you incline your ear unto wisdom and apply your heart to understanding. Then you shall understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God.

When wisdom enters your heart and knowledge is pleasant to your soul, discretion shall preserve thee and understanding shall keep thee to deliver you from: 1. The way of the evil man, 2. From men that speak perverse things.

That is God’s advice.

This is Papa’s advice:

1. Don’t fall in love!

Love is the fruit of the spirit of God. Fruit grows when the seed (the Word of God) is planted in the good soil of the heart. Fruit grows from the branches, which abide in the Vine. If we abide–we produce fruit. If no fruit is produced, the branches are pruned.

True love is defined as eight positive and eight negative heart attitudes, actions or responses to tests, trials, and temptations, encountered along the way of life. Our actions then establish our habit patterns which ultimately develop our character.

2. Don’t Fall in Love. Stand.

Stand, having your feet planted on the firm foundation, which is Jesus Christ. Stand fast with the whole armor, that you may be able to withstand the wiles of the devil.

Stand. Abide. Obey. Submit. Seek His will. Serve as He leads the way through the storms, over the rock slides, around the slough of despond, and finally to the verdant pasture of peace and contentment where love will bloom and bring forth its fruit in due season.

3. Don’t Fall–but Grow in Love.

That your love may abound more and more in knowledge in all judgement (perception, discernment). That you may approve (distinguish) things that are excellent…and there are many excellent things out there today!

4. Don’t look for love.

As seed planted in the good soil needs warmth, moisture, and light, so we can produce:

The warmth of friendship and service in compassion. We can water the seed with the water of the Word. We can shed the “light of the world” in the world.

Be patient as the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth and has long patience for it, until he receives the early and the latter rains. First the blade, then the ear, and then the full ear of corn.

5. Don’t measure love–observe it!

You may be attracted, but don’t be distracted by: words, looks, and kindnesses to you!

The yardstick of love is not how he looks at you but how he sees:

1. God
2. The World
3. Other Women

The true measure of love is not how he speaks to you, but how he speaks to his mother and his sister. That is how he will speak to you later on.

6. Don’t hope to fall in love…

…but be willing to love those you are serving. Love is not an emotion, but rather a matter of the will. Love is kind–a learned response of the heart when others are unkind.

Love is a commitment–dying to self–a life of giving. An attitude of serving. A heart that is kind, compassionate, and caring in spite of the circumstances.

7. Don’t rush into love.

Wait!

And again I say wait!

Watch. Beware. Watch out.

Wait on the Lord.

- by Dr. Bill Brink

Engaged Reading

Gretchen — Wed, 21 Mar 2007 14:29:00 +0000

A few years ago we asked new brides Kristy Howard and Elizabeth Flesher for help compiling a list of books to read before and after you say “I do!” Lately many of our readers have been asking about books to use during engagement. With the busiest season for weddings approaching, this seemed a good time to share what they recommended…

Passion and Purity: Learning to Bring Your Love Life Under Christ’s Control by Elisabeth Elliot
Can love be both passionate and pure? Elisabeth and Jim Elliot’s relationship shows it can! A passionate love story with great insights. Especially encouraging for those who know who they want to marry but have a long wait until they get there!

Quest for Love: True Stories of Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot
An “afterward” of sorts to Passion and Purity… Filled with lots of insight, and story after story of passion and purity! An excellent and easy read.

Of Knights and Fair Maidens: A Radical New Way to Develop Old-Fashioned Relationships by Jeff & Danielle Myers
Includes great checklists and topics to discuss before you get married!
Read an excerpt here

Boy Meets Girl: The Mystery, Passion, and Pursuit by Joshua Harris

After Every Wedding Comes a Marriage by Florence Littauer

Best Friends for Life by Michael and Judy Phillips

Preparing for Marriage by Dennis Rainey

Men Are like Waffles-Women Are like Spaghetti: Understanding and Delighting in Your Differences by Bill & Pam Farrel

Love for a Lifetime by Dr. James Dobson
Kristy says: “A wonderful book for both guys and girls! Dr. Dobson dedicated at least one chapter to purity issues relating to both genders.”

For Girls:Let Me Be A Woman by Elisabeth Elliot

Two Shall Be One (also called Letters to a Young Bride or Letters to Kristi) by Ruth Harms Calkin
Gretchen says: My grandma’s favorite. An out of print classic every new wife needs to read!

Letters to Karen by Charlie Shedd

Marriage: Questions Women Ask by Gloria Gaither, GiGi Graham, and Susan Alexander Yates
Kristy says: “All three authors create a well-rounded perspective of marriage, parenthood, and all the expectations and circumstances involved in those roles.”

The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace

For Guys:

The Mark of a Man by Elisabeth Elliot

Letters to Phillip by Charlie W. Shedd

Point Man by Steve Farrar
Gretchen says: My dad’s favorite

The Christian Husband: God’s Vision for Loving & Caring for Your Wife by Bob Lepine

Thoughts for Young Men by J.C. Ryle

What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women by Dr. Dobson

Recommended by Joshua Harris:

What’s the Difference? Manhood and Womanhood Defined According to the Bible by John Piper

Reforming Marriage by Douglas Wilson

Her Hand in Marriage by Douglas Wilson

Men & Women: Enjoying the Difference by Larry Crabb

Emotions: Can You Trust Them? by Dr. James Dobson
Especially read the chapter on romantic love!

Incompatibility: Grounds for a Great Marriage by Chuck Snyder

The Perfect Match

YLCF — Fri, 02 Mar 2007 20:43:00 +0000

by Trina Holden, July 2006

As a teenager, my only criteria for my future spouse was that he be a man of God, and taller than me. Not a lot to ask, unless you consider that at 5’8½” I was taller than over half the young men in my acquaintance! For some reason I felt it was right and proper and nearly essential that the husband lead – in altitude as well as everything else! As far as other traits were concerned, I believed firmly that if ‘he’ was in a right relationship with the Lord, despite differences in personality, background, and convictions, we would be able to blend into a good match.

I was 19 when my family began attending a new Church fellowship. All the other young men in my immediate acquaintance had been assessed and found lacking (both in height and maturity). This provided a great opportunity to see what else was out there! Unfortunately it was a relatively small fellowship and the pastor’s eldest son, who led worship every Sunday, was the only possible candidate, and he was almost an inch shorter than me! Thankfully, I was not overly preoccupied with finding a mate, and life went on for the next several years full of growing experiences and good, single-minded activities.

At the age of 22, romance came into my life for the first time. A man asked permission to court me, and with my parent’s counsel, and the Lord’s guidance, I felt led to accept and we began forming a relationship. He was not the ‘type’ of guy I thought the Lord would bring me – for one thing, he was short! But the Lord spoke to me through I Samuel 16:7

“Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature…for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.” And soon I learned to love this man for his heart, and not to give too much weight to the things man usually put so much emphasis on. After a few short months, however, it became apparent to all that the Lord’s purposes in this season had been fulfilled, and the relationship was ended. That was a very painful time for me, yet I had learned an important lesson. I had experienced the beauty of agape – unconditional love. I was now more convinced than ever that whoever the Lord brought for me as a mate, He would also provide the grace for me to love and respect him – no matter what his age, height, background, or personality. I still secretly hoped that next time ‘he’ would be tall, but I felt that a commitment to unconditional love was the most essential ingredient for a successful marriage.

Then, in 2005, guess who showed up? You guessed it, our pastor’s son! And suddenly I was falling head-over-heels in love with him! No, he hadn’t grown, but I had – I had matured from that narrow minded 19 yr. old and thank the Lord, was able to see the beauty of God’s plan for me.

“Man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”

My counsel to young woman asking “how picky should I be?” is not that you should give up your high standards of godliness or purity. But I am pleading that you do not hold any of your ideals higher than the plan God may have for you. Though your list of preferences for your future mate may appear very spiritual – focused on character qualities and Christian convictions, we remain limited by what we can see. Only God knows exactly what type of mate you or a prospective young man will be. We can analyze, make lists of character qualities and background preferences, and even try to decide what kind of personality would be the greatest fit in a marriage, but we remain finite in our abilities to judge. Even in a close courting relationship, it is difficult to get to know someone on the level that would truly reveal what it will be like living with them after the vows are said. My experience has been that as I was open to the Lord’s leading, making His will my deepest desire, He led me into a relationship with more compatibility and fulfillment than I could have ever dreamed. Since my marriage I have been continually surprised and delighted as I have discovered what a gift God has given me in my husband.

We can and should look wisely at a prospective gentleman with certain criteria, but make sure the Lord leads you as you make any judgments. A few points I would consider -

1. Look for fruit in his life. Look for faithfulness, responsibility, diligence. These qualities are more important than physical possessions, accomplishments, or diplomas. Does he have friends who trust him? Have you observed him face a trial without compromise? Do you see him making wise choices now?

2. Do not rely on your own judgment entirely. How do others think of him? Do his parents trust him, his siblings respect him, his friends and acquaintances enjoy his company?

3. Who are his friends? Are they people you could respect and trust? Does he have a good relationship with his pastor and other authority figures in his life? And do his relationships go beyond surface level?

This is not meant to be an exhaustive list – I only wanted to give an example of some open minded questions you can ask when assessing a young man.

Can I promise that he will turn out to be the man of your dreams? No, but that is where unconditional love comes in. As you grow in your knowledge of who he is inside and out, begin the habit of accepting and choosing to love him just as he is. And there, I believe, is the secret to the perfect match.

In my finite, immature wisdom, I never could have come up with the exact character, personality, habits, and background of my ideal mate. But God, in His infinite wisdom, did. Let Him mold your dreams! I’m so grateful that he gave me the grace to marry someone who wasn’t perfect, yet to see my husband as God does – Perfect for me!

Click here to read Trina’s courtship story.

Our Courtship

YLCF — Wed, 28 Feb 2007 14:30:00 +0000

by Trina Holden

Jeremy and Trina Holden

Married October 8th, 2005

Once upon a time, just over a year ago now, Jeremy and my dad had been working on a construction project together, so we had been seeing a lot of our Pastor’s eldest son through the winter. He would have breakfast with my dad before they left for work together, and he would often stay for dinner when he dropped Dad off at the end of the day.

We had known the Holden’s since we began attending their fellowship in 2001, but this was the first time we’d spent much time with Jeremy. He was 25, established in business, had a great relationship with his parents, and was talented in everything from music to computers. Besides that, he was personable and funny, and helped fill the void we felt after both our brothers moved out of state. My younger siblings loved having him around, but I was struggling with seeing him as just a ‘brother’. J I talked all of my feelings out with my parents, and they encouraged me to be patient and wait to see what happened. We had no idea if Jeremy had any intentions and we didn’t want to get our hopes up too high.

Finally (smile), in April of 2005, Jeremy spoke to my father about pursuing a more serious relationship with me, and my dad gave his blessing, knowing my heart full well, and that I would rejoice at the news. Our first date was with both of our parents, to discuss what this next season would look like, and after that we began spending more focused time together. Our parents trusted us to spend time alone together from the beginning because we were older (23 and 25) and we had proven ourselves in the past. We often had younger siblings along with us, too, as we spent time with other families in the fellowship, volunteered at a summer camp for children with disabilities, and worked together on everything from building projects to our booth at the state home school convention.

Jeremy and I were both ridiculously shy at the beginningJ, but through time, and the encouragement of our parents, we began to see what we were too cautious to believe at first – that we were perfect for each other.

The spring and summer flew by blissfully, until we began to realize that we needed to think about the timing of things. Upstate NY is not a hospitable place in the winter, so although Jan. or Feb. seemed like the predictable time for a wedding in the timetable of our relationship, we had to think about other options. It came down to “October or May?” and the decision was made not to stretch us and our families with a long engagement, but rather, with a short one! J Jeremy proposed on July 2nd, with a lovely diamond ring, and the date was set. We had just over 3 months to plan a wedding, get a house ready, and prepare ourselves for marriage! Through the generous help of many talented family and friends, it happened, and the day was as wonderful as we could have dreamed, followed by a perfectly spectacular three-week honeymoon touring the country.

Jeremy and I had chosen to keep physical touch to a minimum during our courtship and engagement, and this was such a blessing in so many ways. It kept us from being overly distracted during our engagement as we focused on each other’s hearts, it provided an example to all our younger siblings and friends, and it made the honeymoon very special. We shared not only our first kiss at the altar, but also our first hug, and I will never forget that moment!

One of the biggest lessons God taught me in the past years was in the area of relationships. My husband and I both were raised conservatively, and each committed to pursuing pure, godly relationships. Before our courtship, Jeremy and I both had serious relationships that ended painfully through no fault of our own. God used this to open our eyes to ill-founded expectations and convictions about how we pursue relationships. Jeremy was disillusioned and broken hearted when the parents of the girl he was pursuing dismissed him. I struggled with feeling used and broken after my first love was shattered by deceit, and we were both afraid to love again. We learned that sometimes God’s perfect plan includes heartbreak.

Whether we are aware of it or not, many of us face courtship with unrealistic expectations. It is a common belief that if you honor God and your parents, and keep yourself pure, it will guarantee you a pain-free path to happy-ever-after. If you think you are not that naive, take a look at your own expectations. Do you believe yourself safe from a broken heart and shattered dreams because you are committed to a Spirit led courtship? Do you hope to marry the first person you have a serious relationship with? I did, and I didn’t even realize it, until all my hopes were dashed.

So often families will set very conservative boundaries, or adopt a legalistic method of courtship to guard their children from pain, when that is sometimes the very path God would choose to mold us with. I wish that children and their parents would be open to the Spirit in all the decisions made in the area of finding a life mate, and know that God may lead them on a path they would never have dreamed. It can be the most wonderful thing that ever happens to you! When Jeremy and I look back, we see how God shaped our hearts for each other through the trials we went through. We treasure our love all the more for the path that brought us here.

This is the song we danced to at our wedding…

The Day Before You

I had all but given up on finding the one that I could fall into
On the day before you
I was ready to settle for
Less than love and not much more
There was no such thing as a dream come true
But that was on the day before you
Now you’re here and everything’s changing
Suddenly life means so much
And I can’t wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
I will never have to go back to
The day before you
In your eyes I see forever
And it makes me wish that my life never knew
The day before you
But heaven knows those years without you
Were shaping my heart for the day that I found you
And if you’re the reason for all I’ve been through
Then I’m thankful for the day before you.

I would encourage you all to let God mold your heart and your dreams – His ways are above our ways, and they are infinitely more beautiful than we can imagine!

Watch for Trina’s upcoming article on finding “the perfect match”!

A tongue-in-cheek view on courtship

Natalie Nyquist — Thu, 08 Feb 2007 16:20:00 +0000

Adrian compiled a great list of questions for keeping potentially unsuitable suitors away. You can read it here. (My personal favorite is number eight.)

Just a bit of humor for today with this….tomorrow we will publish another longer piece on purity and next week is going to feature a series on singleness and courtship by Jeannie Castleberry!

Guard our hearts?

Natalie Nyquist — Tue, 06 Feb 2007 18:05:00 +0000

Guard your heart, guard your heart
Don’t trade it for treasure; don’t give it away
Guard your heart, guard your heart
As a payment for pleasure, it’s a high price to pay.

- Steve Green

How many of us grew up on the above song? The verse from Proverbs 4:23 echoes: “Guard your hearts!” But what does this really mean?

Watch over your heart with all dilligence, for from it flow the wellsprings of life. (NAS)
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. (NIV)
Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life. (ESV)

What is translated as “heart” here actually refers to our “mind, inner being” and not to our seat of emotions and affection. The “springs” or “wellsprings” are literally “the outgoings of life i.e. spiritual vitality.” This verse, and I believe Steve Green’s song, are speaking of far more than the usual “courtship culture” application.

In this way, we must indeed keep a firm hold on our emotions, particularly when it comes to love and romance (but let’s not fail to apply it in other areas as well!). But the task is so great! Have you ever felt overwhelmed in the attempts? Our tendency might also be to swing from letting our emotions have free reign to keeping them in a prison cell where they will perish. How to find the balance?

Josh Harris’s message “Courtship, Shmortship” (note: this message is geared toward singles of marriable age, not teenagers) gives “the courtship guru” himself”s take on the whole concept of “guarding our hearts”:

We do not accept the unbiblical council of the world to “follow our hearts”; that is a recipe for disaster. We are called to bring the Word of God to bear on our heart. We should always be on guard against sinful desires. But guarding our hearts should not become a self-focused attempt to avoid ever being disappointed! Do you hear what I’m saying?

We’re not to guard our hearts from attraction. Look, in friendships as single men and women, you’re going to be attracted to people. Don’t pick up and run away from that relationship the first moment that you sense some form of attraction. God can help you to process that in a godly way.

If we attempt to guard ourselves against attraction or disappointment, we will end up cutting ourselves off from the good gifts of friendship and fellowship that God has for us. God can help you deal with attraction to a friend you have. You don’t have to run away from that relationship.

And if, as has happened to probably all of us, if the person that you are interested in doesn’t share the same kind of romantic interest in you, God will enable you to trust Him and enable you to walk through that disappointment. You see, our ambition as Christians should be to live lives that point to God as our greatest treasure. To live lives of love for others that display the love that God has shown to us. Our desire should be to never do anything that hurts another person or causes that person to stumble, but we are not called to flee from any disappointment in life. We are called to life lives of faith.

To hear the entire message (very thought-provoking), you can listen or download it at Covenant Life’s website here. I highly recommend all of his messages; Josh is balanced and he is honest.

Girls, we cannot “guard our hearts” on our own. We were never meant to; we cannot try to. Look who promises to guard our hearts: And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Phil. 4:7

Isn’t one of our primary motivations for guarding our hearts a fear of being hurt? Let us not live this way any longer. C.S. Lewis, in The Four Loves says this:

I believe that the most lawless and inordinate loves are less contrary to God’s will than a self-invited and self-protective lovelessness…Christ did not teach and suffer that we might become, even in the natural loves, more careful of our own happiness…we shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armor. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as the way in which they should break, so be it (pg. 170).

What are we to do when affections come? When our emotions cause us pain and uncertainty? The answer is in the preceding verse in Phillipians. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. (vs. 6)

If we lay our requests, our fears, our all before God, His peace will guard our hearts. Not from all pain, disappointment, and suffering–but from something far worse than these. The peace of God will guard our hearts and minds in Christ for His glory and our good. His peace will free us from anxiety and His love from fear (1 John 4:18).

Just in time for Valentine’s Day…

Natalie Nyquist — Sat, 03 Feb 2007 09:34:00 +0000

Yes, I’m actually awake at this time of the morning. Why? I have been working on the Index of Courtship Stories.

What started as a simple link check turned into a massive update; there are 20 new stories as well as updated links to ones previously listed. Unless I miscounted (highly likely considering the time), there are now 93 courtship stories in our collection.

If you need proof that every relationship is as unique as the people involved, look no further.

Now, I’m off to get some sleep….

True Love – Part Two: When Happily Ever After Doesn’t Happen

YLCF — Wed, 31 Jan 2007 16:38:00 +0000

Elizabeth’s courtship and marriage have been a beautiful example to me of true, godly love far different than the media or even the formulaic “courtship story.” Her unswerving trust in the Lord is rare and challenges me when I grow weary.

One goal of this series is to scratch the veneer off those rose-colored glasses. Romance is wonderful. Being head over heels in love is amazing (I speak from personal experience). But…those things are the after-effects of a lifestyle committed to True Love as God defines it. – Natalie

I am a Romantic at heart. Whenever I read a good love story or courtship account, I add “and they lived happily ever after” to the end, even if it is not written in so many words. I often look back on my own life forgetting all the troubles and deep heartaches and remembering only the golden days and laughter. I see through rose-tinted glasses. In many ways that is good. To dwell on the hard things in life brings a heaviness of spirit hard to shake. Believe me, I know: my life in many ways has not been easy. Dwelling on the good was one way I learned to cope.

I thank the Lord a thousand times over for the blessings He has brought into my life these past few months. In some ways it seems the end of my story is “and they lived happily ever after” for I truly am deeply happy in my new life and marriage. But on the other hand, I know my story has hardly even begun: many roads lie ahead that I have yet to travel. And certainly these past eight months have not been all roses: illness, miscarriage, and a long,cold winter in an unknown land. Yet God has been more than faithful through it all.

It is so easy to think that once we get married everything will be good. That hardships will grow easier and life will be rosy most of the time. That “happily ever after” will begin the day we say, “I do”. But what if something happens and happily ever after is not there like we thought it would be?

In my church back homeI knew a beautiful and godly young woman not much older than me. She had married the son of one of our pillar families: someone everyone admired and looked up to. They seemed so happy and she was such a godly example of womanhood to us all. And then one day, when their first little son was still very young, he just left….left his family, his church, and his wife. We all prayed fervently and hoped for restoration–she more than any of us–and for several years she waited. We all shook our heads and wondered how this could happen to her of all people. Even in the backs of minds that should have known better, we somehow fell prey to the belief that “happily ever after” should have been her reward. Did God not see her faithfulness?

Let me say this once very clearly: “Happily ever after” is not a reward for godliness. Marriage is not a reward for a life lived in obedience. Just because you do everything the “right” way, and wait patiently for God’s timing, for God’s direction, for God’s mate, does not guarantee that the path before you will be smooth.

Trials await every child of God: if you are not experiencing them now, you will. Godly families lose jobs, lose health, lose children, lose husbands and wives every day. We know this but we like to forget. We don’t ever like to think that we could be the next Job whom God allows bad things to happen to. We wince because these are such gloomy thoughts. But James says to “consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials.” Why? Because the testing of our faith produces something of far greater worth than a life lived happily ever after. It produces perfection in the truest sense of the word. A life hidden in Christ and sanctified for His glory. A life He is able to use.

Is our longing for a happy ending necessarily a bad thing? No, I think this is a holy longing as we wait for heaven and our true “happily ever after” in eternity. But it can cause us to lose our focus and forget what is really important–living life to the fullest now not someday. Do not pine for what others have been given, for with their blessings will come trials designed for them and their sanctification. Embrace life: the good and the bad. You might just find that your “happily ever after” has already begun.

- by Elizabeth Jackson