An indepth study of marriage and how it refines and grows us, this book by Timothy Keller and his wife Kathy is neither a relational self-help manual nor a feel-good book.  It sets truth and fact squarely against the more traditional ideas and beliefs about romance, soul mates, and the gift of singleness.

With frequent quotes from C.S. Lewis, this book almost feels like a modern version of The Four Loves.  Using words like “penultimate”, Keller not only set me thinking but sent me to the dictionary!

This high view of marriage tells us that marriage, therefore, is penultimate…  Even the best marriage cannot by itself fill the void in our souls left by God… If singles Christians don’t develop a deeply fulfilling love relationship with Jesus, they will put too much pressure on their dream of marriage, and that…same idolatry of marriage that is distorting their single lives will eventually distort their marriage lives if they find a partner.  So there’s no reason to wait.  Demote marriage and family in your heart, put God first, and begin to enjoy the goodness of single life. (The Meaning of Marriage, page 198)

The Meaning of Marriage was incredibly convicting for me as a married woman.  But I couldn’t help but thinking that it would be equally encouraging and helpful for my single friends.  Now I understand why the radio host whom I first heard mention it said that he bought a copy to give to each of his children.  It’s that good.  It’s the kind of book that challenges you in your thinking about marriage, whether or not you’re married.  And it’s the kind of book that has the depth to inspire future generations.

If you’re single, have you found books on the theology and purpose of marriage to be helpful reading?  If you’re married, what are your favorite titles on marriage?

The Meaning of Marriage is © 2012 Young Ladies Christian Fellowship. All Rights Reserved.

Click here to read the complete essay by Rosmarie Urquico.

a girl who reads is © 2012 Young Ladies Christian Fellowship. All Rights Reserved.

by Heather

It was only a line from a character in a movie, but it bothered me.  Two married women were talking about marriage, when one shared that she wanted out. She was convinced that her marriage was loveless and boring because her days consisted of errands and taking care of children.

I couldn’t help but think how wrong she was. Those daily routines are what matter the most!

We’ve been taught our whole lives — through movies, books, cards and even the radio — that love is this giant fluffy feeling.

We are taught that love is a bouquet of flowers, dark chocolate and gifts.

But sometimes, love is having dinner on time.

Sometimes, love is changing the oil in the car.

Coming home to the same person every night.

Falling asleep before the movie even ends. And understanding.

Sharing quiet moments together.

And yes, there are those special moments when he brings you flowers or you prepare a candlelit dinner.

But this in and of itself is not love.

The flowers, the chocolate — they are gifts that you give each other in celebration of what you have every single day, together.

Heather blogs regularly on  Mrs. Southern Bride about life and love, sharing beauty through the lens of her camera. She says, ”I am wife to Joshua, homemaker, photographer, blogger, dreamer and lover of wonderful books. I have a slight obsession with Godiva Chocolate,  Snow patrol and all things Irish & French.”

They Got it Wrong on Love is © 2012 Young Ladies Christian Fellowship. All Rights Reserved.

courtship or dating? is © 2012 Young Ladies Christian Fellowship. All Rights Reserved.

In this way, we’re a lot like lizards. We were built to thrive in the warmth and accountability of close, Christian fellowship. Many of us taste of this here and there through a Bible study or with a girlfriend who walks closely with the Lord, but we look forward to that ‘best friend for life’ — our spouse — because then we will have a spiritual partner to grow and learn alongside.  Someone who will always be available as the second soul in that ‘gathering together in my Name’ equation.

I was no exception. When I got married I expected that, along with the emotional and physical oneness I was promised, I’d at last have that spiritual partnership I thought was a part of every good, Christian marriage. But as the weeks of the honeymoon and then the first years of our marriage swept by with wonderful harmony and joy,  I felt something was missing. My husband was kind, gentle, and a good provider, but his spiritual life didn’t look anything like mine, and our spiritual intimacy was not what I expected it would be.

Trying to be sweet and submissive, I didn’t complain. At least, not often. I was afraid that sharing my discontent with my husband would erode his confidence and show discontent for all he did provide. Yet, I was lonely. I wanted to grow spiritually and had expected all my life that my husband would be my closest companion on this journey. Occasionally I would break down and reveal to my husband my feelings, but mostly I kept it bottled inside, an ache I was both afraid and ashamed of.

Finally, last year, I couldn’t stand it any longer. Thankfully, God had a plan all lined up, ready for when I quit doing this in my own strength and fully gave it to Him.

Do you feel spiritually alone? Maybe you’re feeling unequally yoked in marriage, or are the only believer in your family. You’re starving for spiritual accountability but you’re not getting it from the places you expected and wanted it the most. Perhaps the journey the Lord has led me on in the past year may inspire or encourage you.

The way to fight loneliness in marriage is to reach out and make connections. (Tweet this!)

You and A Friend
It was the words of a close friend that allowed me take the first, vital step toward addressing the ache. She encouraged me, “Be honest with yourself. Admit that you’ve experienced a loss in these unmet expectations. Let yourself grieve.” Only then would I be free to move on into the healing. When she spoke those words to me, I began to weep tears of grief, which quickly turned, surprisingly, to ones of relief and hope. I’d been carrying my secret burden for so long, unable to admit reality. Once I faced the situation I was suddenly able to hope for change.

You don’t need to face this alone. Seek out a friend or mentor who can encourage you as you make steps to heal and grow. But be sure the relationship with your girlfriend pushes you back to God and your spouse. Don’t allow any influence that disrespects your man or encourage self-pity or pride in your heart.

You and God
Go to God. Go ahead and ask God the hard questions. You may be surprised at the glimpse He will give into His heart for you and your marriage. Ask Him why He’s allowed this, and how He wants you to respond.

Don’t be afraid to grow alone. In the story of Joseph we see the Lord leading Joseph to a place of great growth and prosperity, but it was not without sacrifice. When he was called from the prison to the palace to interpret the Pharaoh’s dream, he shaved his beard out of deference to Egyptian custom. Did you ever think about how that beard was the final thing linking him to his Hebrew roots — and that shaving it could mean his loved ones wouldn’t recognize him if they ever came looking? I admit to being unwilling to grow on my own, afraid to leave loved ones behind. Don’t let this fear cripple your spiritual life. I do believe God desires us to have close spiritual communion with our spouses, but if that’s not the case yet, you should not let that stop you from deepening your own relationship with the Lord.

You and Your Man
Revealing your hurt and fear to your husband can be the hardest step, as we fear appearing judgmental. But keeping him shut out of this part of your life isolates both of you. God says it is not good for man to be alone and created marriage for companionship. We walk a fine line when we address unmet needs in marriage, but honesty is crucial. He needs to know how you feel. Have your friend pray as you begin the process. Ask the Lord to give you a pure heart and direct your timing.

Live 1 Peter 3:1-5:

In the past I was afraid to apply these verses to my life, for fear it would imply I had an ‘unbelieving husband’. But a meek and quiet spirit is an asset in any marriage. In the book, The Resolution, author Priscilla Shirer explains that the Greek meanings of “meek” and “quiet” can be boiled down to humility, kindness, and orderliness. She says,

“If we will funnel our wifely behavior and responses through the Biblical filter, we will intentionally become more careful and circumspect…  We’ll attempt to make things easier instead of harder for him, tempering our words and actions with peace and discreetness causing him to feel more confident because he knows we’re not here to tear him down, but to build him up.”

Do you think that connecting spiritually with your spouse would be easier if you maintained a bit more humility and orderliness in your personal life? If our men did not feel threatened by our prideful spirituality, and if our days actually held the promise of a few moments together, this could allow things to grow. Routine is discipline’s greatest ally. Are you making order a priority?

When you talk, share with your husband what you feel you’re already doing right as a couple, and what makes you feel close spiritually. Brainstorm together on how you can cultivate this aspect of your relationship. Perhaps it’s a new devotional, keeping a prayer journal, or carving out time to attend a couple’s Bible study.

Finally, give it time and don’t despise small beginnings. Little ones, tight budgets, long work hours — sometimes you‘re just surviving in this season. Cultivating your spiritual relationship will take time, even if you’re both on the same page. Be faithful with the moments you have — even if it’s just once a week — and trust God to fulfill His best for your marriage.

A few months after our tearful conversation on her living room floor, I was excited to give my prayer-partner a report. Not only had God opened my eyes to begin to understand my husband’s spirituality (it was there, but looked very different than mine), but He was also working in our relationship since I’d finally had the guts to face my unmet expectations and pray about them. We’re communicating honestly about the spiritual side of our relationship and growing closer as we understanding each other. And, he’s initiated a weekly prayer and devotional time using the book Closer by Jim Burns. I think we been able to stick with this longer than any of our other attempts at devotions together because, 1) it’s doable for us in this season — there’s only one reading per week, and 2) he finally understands how important this is to me.

If you feel alone in marriage or in your spiritual life in general, I strongly encourage you to face the reality and then do something about it. Find a small group or Bible study to belong to. Find someone you respect that is willing to disciple you. Be willing to grow though you may feel like you’re leaving your spouse or your family behind. Joseph willingly stepped into opportunities for growth even though it meant further distancing himself from his family. In the end this allowed him to lead his family to a place where they, too, could thrive.

You don’t have to be alone. I pray God will lead you into the fellowship He created us to enjoy with Himself and His children.

Lizard Love and Loneliness is © 2012 Young Ladies Christian Fellowship. All Rights Reserved.