By Rebecca Darting (now Miller)
I have a confession to make. It all started several years ago when I began to work on some problem areas in my life. I realized I had made relationships and guys the center of my world. And I was in need of some serious re-vamping in the purity department because my heart was rather dirty. During this time, I came in contact with the courtship teachings and latched onto them right away. At this point, I started making a real effort to commit the romantic side of my life to my Heavenly Father.
But I made a mistake. I started teaching courtship like it was a Biblical commandment and hedging myself (and others) in with a lot of rules and regulations. It was as if I almost thought that “not dating” was the focus of my life now. In the last couple of years, a few things have become a little clearer and I’d like to share them with you. I’m definitely not an expert, but here are a couple things I’ve been learning.
First, courtship is not the only way a Christian can find a marriage partner. (I sense that most of the readers of this magazine would not say it is the only way, but would perhaps say it is the best way.) Courtship is an acceptable option for those who choose it, but it is not a Biblical requirement. We Christians (and I’m the first to do this) have an awful tendency to be like the Pharisees, placing heavy burdens on people that God has not placed there. Where the Bible does not give an authoritative command, we have no right to be authoritative. If we say that courtship is the only way, it will also remove personal responsibility and personal interpretation of the Bible to our own situations. The main principle we should carry away from the Bible is to be Jesus’ person in all our relationships—romantic and otherwise. Learning to show love is difficult no matter what relationship we find ourselves in–with parents, friends, brothers and sisters, and romantic partners. In all these relationships, we stumble, we learn, we get up and try again. But we have this promise to hold onto:
“The love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us” (Romans 5:5, NKJV).
Did you catch the verb there? It’s past tense. It has already happened and we must simply choose to live out the love that God has already placed in every believer’s heart.
Now, I realize that we all need boundaries for our lives. And deciding to practice courtship or something similar may well fit into the boundaries category for you or me. But the important thing to realize is that if we practice courtship, it is our personal choice to do so, an individual boundary, a personal application of more general Biblical principles.
The second thing I’d like to share with you is that an over-emphasis on courtship can be to you (as it was to me), a distraction from our true focus as Christians, a distraction from the Great Commission (Matthew 28:19-20)! My pastor has summarized the two commands contained in Jesus’ final words to us as: make disciples and grow disciples. This is our true focus on earth—more than dating or not dating, more than careers or even being a stay-at-home mom. We are not to be retreating into a comfortable, neat little Christian sub-culture. That’s not what our Lord did, and that’s not what His instructions to us were.
I’m not saying we have to date to get people to listen to the Gospel, but could it be that sometimes we have tried to recreate meaning in our lives by making a lot of spiritualized rules for ourselves, instead of reaching out to a world that needs Jesus Christ? Instead of building godly character in our own lives? Instead of discipling younger Christians?
So, if you personally believe it is the best way, then practice courtship. But keep your focus on the kingdom of God, not on rules and regulations.
Rebecca’s writings appeared in many issues of the YLCF Journal. She wrote the column “From Rebecca’s Desk” from 1999 to 2001. This column was originally published in Spring 2001, when Rebecca was “a freelance writer, Bible college student, and enthusiastic member of her local Lutheran church. Her interests are music, drama, and reading.” Now, Rebecca (Darting) Miller is a freelance writer, editor, Bible teacher, pastor’s wife, and stay-at-home Mom to an energetic toddler girl. You can find her at: “Flathead Mama“.
Thank you for this. I really needed to hear these words today.
This is such a good post… and something that I’ve thought a lot about. There can be a lot of pride in my heart that “I’m doing it the RIGHT” way, and (like you said) keeping my eyes on relationships, “following the rules”, and doing it all perfectly- instead of my real goal to keep my eyes on the Lord!! I believe that either courtship or dating (either one – as long as glorifying the Lord in all actions is key) is just another way that the Lord uses to purify us and make us set a part. Either way has it’s struggles and difficulties and we should THANK the Lord for those and learn from them, instead of whining (and I’ve done my share of that!) that, “Urgh… I just want to be married!!”
Thanks so much for your post!
~Arielle
Great post!
I’m very curious about the second picture, because it looks very much like the beach near where I live, (west coast of New Zealand). It looks like the sand is black, which is what we have here. Is the picture by (or of) the author of the article? I’m wondering if it was taken somewhere near here, or if there is black sand elsewhere in the world?
(sorry if this is a bit off topic, but I was really amazed by the picture, because it reminds me so much of home!)
Thanks!
Hey Claire,
I would love to have visited your corner of the world, but this is actually an old-ish picture of me taken somewhere along the Northern California coastline. I can’t remember the name of the little town it is out of, but there are a few places that do have that dark grey blackish-tinted sand here on our West Coast, primarily. Come and visit sometime and stop in FL for the white sand and hop over to there and feel the difference!
Hi Chantel,
Thanks so much for the response! It really is a beautiful picture. Perhaps one day I’ll make it to the US to see the coasts for myself.
Also, thanks to the YLCF team, I really love your blog. It is so encouraging and inspiring!
God bless ya’ll!
Claire
Great post! What you said is so true. @Arielle Exactly right!
I think that as Americans we want to say we have all these liberties and as Christian young ladies, we want to have all these boundaries. We swing from one extreme to the other. And neither are really focusing on Christ.
Again, great post!
Ivy
Great post! I have really been praying about courtship and contentment lately.
I am also having a giveaway on my blog for the book “When God Writes Your Love Story” by Eric and Leslie Ludy and would love for anyone to enter!
http://gracefulnotes.blogspot.com/2011/08/giveaway-when-god-writes-your-love.html
Echoing above – Thank you! The Lord has taken me on a very similar journey recently – in realizing that I was making the rules like idols in my life. I found a quote that really hit home for me. It said “Religious people like tidy answers for messy lives” MD. – I tend more towards courtship (not in anyway coming down on it!) but I realized that personally, courtship was my tidy answer like the pharisees rather than seeking the Lord for how he wanted me to approach relationships. He’s leading me into a balance of understanding that circumstances and relationships will be as unique as the people in them – and so will be the approach be to godly relationships. Thank you for your wisdom.
Hey…nice name, Arielle! I had to do a double take like “I didn’t comment………”
I agree with what you’re saying, Rebecca. When my boyfriend and I started talking, I had “courtship” all over me… I wasn’t going to kiss him til we got married, etc… but then things changed. I realized I was being very legalistic with my opinions. Now we just say we’re dating, but we’ve talked and he wants to marry me, we just have to figure things out how and when to make that happen. I did break my no-kissing rule, and I’m glad we did. That’s as far as it goes, though. Just a simple kiss, nothing too passionate. Of course, almost a year of our year-and-a-half together was when I was living in Thailand and he was still in the US. We’re still sort of courting, but it’s a hybrid of dating.
However it’s done, as long as it glorifies God in the process, works for me.