a journey in the valley of brokenness

by Anne Demitre

An old journal and a seat among the trees — these were a refuge for a heart that felt broken beyond repair, when the journey seemed too long and too difficult. Into those pages were poured all the pain and loneliness, the wind gently drying the tears that only the blue sky, the tall trees, and God knew fell so often. And yet, in those pages there was also written the records of the work of the Master Physician, the One Who heals heart break.

These words are some of the mileposts, some small windows into that journey in the valley of brokenness. It is my journey, but perhaps it is yours, too.

This journey didn’t stop with the last entry — long and lingering are the pains of a broken heart. But more than anything, I want you to know that even though I was broken, He led me one step at a time through the valley.  It felt dark and lonely, but with each tiny step, with every struggle, He was healing the heart and binding the wounds. He noted every single tear, and He was there with me, always.  Just like He will be there for you. Always.

December 22, 2004
It is in God’s hands. It is whatever His will is – to take away, or to give in more abundance than I can hope to imagine right now. If my dreams, my longing, and in the process, my very heart, must be shattered in an instant…and He allows it…even in my tears, I must believe that He knows best – always knows best. What He gives will last any storm. My head knows that, and my heart struggles to hold it, and believe it too.

January 30, 2005
My heart aches beyond belief and there are tears that will not cease to fall…for reasons I cannot find words to explain, for reality of being alone that hits me so hard tonight, for what I cannot yet even begin to understand. I desperately need wisdom; I need to know that He is there.

February 1, 2005
I have come to my own valley of decision. It is a dark place here. A lonely path, and one that has already been more painful than anything else I have experienced. All I can feel is just heaviness. Just deep heart ache that only those who have been there can understand. I am pleading for answers, for peace… and for courage do to what I need to do, no matter how it breaks me. But it’s hard. I don’t want to face it, and yet it doesn’t go away. So I try to stand bravely, face it head on, and pray that somehow, I make it through and can still see the sunshine on the other side. And somehow, I have peace that the answers that I need most will come… when I have given up all of my own thoughts, my own desires, my own hopes. It is a battle that is so intense that it takes all that I have to keep on.

February 3, 2005
“Oh Lord, help me. The pathway is such a bitter one. I can’t see what’s beyond the curve. I want to make a wise choice. I want to know your will. Why do I find it so hard to just wait on you?

“You know what is best. I want to do what is right. I want to follow You. This blocks my way, and bars my progress. Yet, it is hard to give up what is nearest my heart.

“I am willing, LORD to lay it all down. Help me to know how. Because I can’t on my own.

“It is hard, Lord. I’ve gone so far on this road, giving everything, believing it would be the right one. I didn’t know it would come to this. I am seeking for you, with all I know to do, seeking for answers. Help me to wait on You, too, Lord. For Your time. Not mine.”

Yet… I know deep in my heart, that if God chooses to break my dreams, He has something better. I believe this.

February 5, 2005
This is what I heard as I stepped out of my room just now:

I am the Gentle Shepherd watching over you.
I am the Gentle Shepherd and I’ll surely see you through.
I have been where you’re going and I know what you have to do.
Oh, I am the Gentle Shepherd, and I gave my life for you.

“Thank You, Lord, thank You.”

February 6 , 2005
The battle still rages. Is there ever going to be an end?

My hopes are all shattered; God’s perfect plan, even for today, feels hidden from my eyes. But someday I’ll understand. Someday.

How I have fought to hold on to these dreams. I wanted a different answer. But there has been only the answer that I prayed so hard not to hear. I must let go. I feel broken, completely broken and shattered into pieces too small to even begin to count. But somehow, I’ll make it to the next day, and the next.

February 12, 2005
I have had some time for quiet moments today. Time to think, to pray, to just be still and listen. Unlike yesterday, when every moment was filled with such intensity and confusion, when all I could do was lay on my floor and cry like I’ve never cried before — today has seemed quiet. There has been silence in my heart, and some relief from the feelings of brokenness that lie deeper under the surface. I am thankful, for I know it is but a small reprieve before the biggest wave hits.

February 14, 2005
I feel so numb right now. Almost feeling-less, except that deep, unceasing ache that will not go away, but continually throbs deep in my heart.

He is enough. He holds me up, when I feel I cannot go farther. His grace is sufficient. For everything.

February 25, 2005
Even through these tears that still don’t seem to have an end, and even though my heart is broken right now, I can still say, “It is well with my soul.” I cannot look at my broken dreams, I cannot count the disappointed hopes — I can only look to Him. I know He will see me through, no matter what it feels like right now. What can I say… someday, perhaps I’ll understand all of this. Someday… someday. I have a sweet peace, even though it still hurts so much… I have given my all. I must trust Him.

The valley of brokenness seems so daunting. It seems so dark and lonely. It isn’t easy, yet I never thought it would be. I know that there is always light on the other side of the darkness…always. I’m heading for that light. I’ll be there one day.

March 2, 2005
…even in the agony of letting go of what was nearest and dearest to my heart, He was there. He was faithful to me. I am so blessed, so thankful… and strangely, happy, even though I am sadder than I have ever been in my life before now…

I know that “God never moves without purpose and plan”…. I believe. I must believe.

March 5, 2005
I gave up all my shattered dreams again this weekend. I gave them to Him who can put the pieces back together, because I cannot make any sense of them. There are so many pieces, and the wounds in my heart go so deep. I know He can recreate dreams, I know He can make something beautiful from these pieces. Perhaps someday… when I can look back and see with clearer vision, I will see that He already has.

March 7, 2005
I have so many questions that remain unanswered and swirl about my head something like a tornado at times. So many things that come over and over again and make me just wish I could sleep forever in a dreamless sleep so that I could not think about them anymore.

I feel so confused and at times, even hopeless. I feel all alone and very afraid of the mistakes I’ve made, and that I will make the same ones again. I cannot bear to think of that. Not now.

March 18, 2005
Sometimes the hardest things are the right things…but sometimes I wish they weren’t so very hard.

March 23, 2005
I do not know if love will come again to me. This chills my heart sometimes, and makes me look at the shadows surrounding my future with uncertainty. But truly God gives strength and grace to accept each thing as from a father’s hand. By faith, I must see the beauty of these shattered hopes and dreams, with them all rebuilt and more beautiful than I can dare to imagine. And if never again does He give me the gift of love, I must be content.

In His Time. “He makes all things beautiful in His time.”

April 7, 2005
I believe with all my heart that God can and that He will guide and direct my path. I must be willing, no matter how hard… and how impossible it all seems.

I am, I really am — even with the pain so fresh, and the wounds still there — content with just where I am right now. Yet, He calls for more. I am willing, I am willing to give it up. It just is hard to let even the last bits of that dream, the hope that someday, the dream of my own little home and a husband who loves me will come true… it’s hard to lay it all on the altar, and let Him be the one to revive that hope, in His time, if He wills.

April 19, 2005
The beauty in life outweighs the ugly, even when it all seems so very dark. And I choose the beautiful. And it gives me something to live for, no matter how much my heart is hurting.

April 30, 2005
Life is so interesting. Sometimes, it becomes so complicated and confusing that you can only laugh… or cry. And laughing is so much better than crying, so I keep laughing, and keep going on even if my heart still breaks inside.

May 16, 2005
“Wait on the Lord… and He will strengthen thy heart. Wait, I say, on the Lord.”

May 21, 2005
He is faithful. He is. I must not forget…. I must hold on, no matter.

June 3, 2005
These days have been so hard. I don’t understand, but I only go on, one moment at a time, and hope that I’ll have some pieces left to rebuild. Sometimes I don’t know why everything goes wrong all at once…. But He sees all things. He knows how much I can bear.

June 5, 2005
Sometimes, I just want to run. I want to run down the trails I love so much until I can’t run anymore.  And I want to keep going even then, until I am out of breath and my legs won’t go any farther. Maybe then the pain in my heart would go away.

Sometimes, I wish I could fall asleep and not wake… until all of this pain and all of this brokenness is nothing more than a faded memory. I wish to sleep until I am old, and it doesn’t hurt anymore. I want to escape from memories that haunt every moment of my day, but I cannot, for I am always here, my brain constantly remembering things that only stab deeper into my heart.

June 13, 2005
I know I did the right thing. I know that… hard as it was, it was the only thing I could do. He had made his choice already and I had to let go. The best thing in the end. I know that, but my heart refuses to believe what my head knows is right.

June 27, 2005
Love, to me is as a fading dream. I know that its joys (and sorrows) are true. I don’t doubt it, for I’ve seen enough true love to know it is not just a mirage. But for me, it feels as if it has faded forever. I cannot bear another broken heart, and twice-broken dreams. I cannot take the risk of destroying yet another taste of joy…or my own heart again right now. In time, perhaps I’ll find courage to let my heart love again. But I do not know how.

July 3, 2005
The tears that felt locked inside my burning heart all last week are falling now. My heart is weary from all the daily reminders that haunt me — of the dreams I had that may never be fulfilled. These dreams I dare not dream. Not anymore.

I feel numb inside and so weary. Yet, He gives peace. I cling to that, to Him. I have to.

July 11, 2005
He is there, always right beside me. He calls me to trust Him. He calls me to give it all to Him, and how I try to. Yet I take it all back on a moments notice — my broken dreams, and all the pain — and must give them back all over again. It feels dark all the time, but sometimes I see the stars, and I know that there will be a dawn one day. There always is.

July 27, 2005
If they only knew how much it still does hurt inside, even if on the outside I smile, still… if they only knew how their words tear my heart and rip open wounds that are still fresh. If they only knew it’s about all I can do to keep the tears inside when I hear those words. If they only knew…

But I can’t tell them. These things must lay hidden in the deepest places of my heart for there are not words that can explain the unexplainable way that I feel so often. These emotions will stay there, but sometimes… it hurts until I feel so sick. But I can’t stop walking, I have to keep going.

August 14, 2005
It’s just a long and lonely evening and I find myself wish again for the things I think may never be. Sometimes I wonder why I bother wishing, but I do it anyway.

August 21, 2005
Even now, though it is so dark all around, I know that there is another side to this valley. I know that someday when I look back, I’ll see the beauty that comes from pain. I cannot know now what beauty will come from all these tears, but I believe one day I’ll understand. Right now, I just struggle to keep holding on, and keep taking steps forward.

September 2, 2005
I am not alone. I must never forget that He is with me. No matter how dark the shadows, no matter how deep the pain. This valley will not last forever. I must take this journey just one day at a time.

September 12, 2005
Sometimes I don’t know if the ache in my heart will ever go away. Sometimes it seems like my heart will hurt forever, that it will never feel whole again. I don’t know if I can keep going on like this, but I must. I do trust Him that His way really is perfect. I do believe that He has a plan. My faith does not waver now, but the ache remains. Why my heart must ache so much still, I cannot tell. Is it because I do not trust enough that the pain is so deep?

October 15, 2005
It’s a struggle to keep going sometimes. It’s a struggle to try to make sense of the pieces that remain. It’s hard to be in the middle, where there are the faint beginnings, new joys, new hopes, new dreams — though so different from the previous — and yet somehow mingled with the old ones that just won’t die. It’s hard to be in between two chapters of life, where the new is still tainted by the heartache of the old. It hurts still. And there are never enough tears to cry.

October 27, 2005
But even then, though there is still painful aches in my heart, I know that something is changing. I am not sure what it is, how it is, but the time and the space away from here — where everything reminds me of him, and what I used to be and what I used to have — have helped to clear some of the foggy, lingering doubts from my mind and helped me to see more clearly the realities that still make life so beautiful. It’s almost as if I can finally start to let let this last chapter close. I can finally really and truly start to let it all go. It is closed. I must keep learning to make the most of what has been left to me.  There is a different kind of joy springing up in my heart again.  There is a restfulness and quiet, trusting peace in my heart that feels a little different from the desperate hold I’ve had on every glimmering star of hope. It is as if a burden that was crushing me with its sheer weight has begun to lift. It isn’t over. But, I can see light again over there in the distance, and I can see it a little more clearly than I could even just a week ago.

November 2, 2005
“Lord, no matter what my heart desires, have Thine Own way, Lord. Make me willing to accept this way, to embrace it as my own. If it takes breaking me yet again, Lord…then I am willing. Only help me to bear it, for I cannot bear any of this alone.

November 16, 2005
I am content to wait for answers, until His time is right. I must not rush ahead, I must not live but for today.

December 25, 2005
I have a freedom in my heart that hasn’t been there for a long time. A freedom from something I didn’t know was pressing me down so much.

Sometimes in the pain and darkness I wondered if I would ever see the sun, and if it would ever truly break through the last holds of darkness, and if I would ever be able to laugh like I did before. I didn’t know if my heart would ever heal, and yet it has begun. He never let me go.

I’ve still got a long ways on this journey to unbrokenness — if there is such a place at all.  But even though I am not sure where the end will be, there is not always the throbbing, bursting, aching feeling, or the pressing pain that shrouded my whole life just a few months ago. The tears don’t fall so often now, and the sharpest pangs aren’t so strong as they were. God has done great things for me, for my heart. And I thank Him…for every single moment.

January 1, 2006
I am pondering this tonight:

There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the years’ course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word “happy” would loose it’s meaning if it were not balanced by by sadness.
-Carl Jung.

It was all in His plan, to make beauty from ashes… I am beginning to understand it better now, it may be a long time, or never, before it is all clear… before I can understand some of the why’s, but I know that He is faithful and that He always will be.