by Joanna Lynn
If you were to ask me what is the most important, defining factor of my life, I would be tempted to say, “The fact that I’m not married yet.” For those of you who don’t already know, singleness is extremely defining. You meet people, they find out you are a home-schooled girl, who has never been in a serious relationship with a young man, and – worse yet! – has not even been to college, and you always meet with a certain, raised-eyebrows expression of mingled disdain, pity, confusion and withdrawal. I’ve seen it many times. ”Oh!” those eyebrows seem to say, “You’re one of those people.” As if we were strange outcasts of society, misfits who just haven’t learned how to live in this ‘modern’ world of fast-and-easy relationships, of gender-equality (almost gender non-distinction) and female independence. Especially among some young men, this ‘stereotype’ of a single, Christian girl, is not only considered a little weird, but also frightening and – dare I say it? – disgusting. Somehow, conservative single girls are always assumed to be looking for a guy. As if that is our life’s goal! And many guys run away from that.
So….yes, my singleness is very defining. So defining, many people never even stop to find out anything more about me. They never realize that I have been ‘out’ in the world, that my older sister actually works a pretty gruesome job at a local nursing home (oh! shocking!), that my dad has NEVER forced his religious opinions on me, and that I actually wear skirts as a result of my own personal convictions and for no other reason. All people seem to see is my marital status. I’m not blaming them. I’m simply stating the way things are.
All of that said, it is very easy to begin to feel that my current situation is ‘unfair’, that somehow God has let me down on the issue of marriage (although, all things considered God never DID promise me a husband…did He?). It is very easy – for me, anyway – to practice housekeeping skills, and day-dream about my possible future, or maybe even cry about my possible lack of future (maritally speaking). It is so easy to feel trapped by my outside circumstances like that, and forget the bigger picture.
But here’s a surprise. Tempted as I might be to say that singleness is the most defining factor in my life right now, I would have to admit that, no, it is not. Being single is not who I am. If I were married, my marriage would not be who I am. Even just the fact that I am a woman doesn’t define my life and shape my days. The most important detail of my whole life is that I am a child of God. Wherever I go, whatever the color of my s kin happens to be, however lonely I feel, however stereotyped and boxed-in other people choose to see me, I am a Christian, bought with the priceless gift of Jesus blood, and THAT is defining, if anything is. That means, I am not my own. I am called to serve the Lord, with all of my talents, all of my being, all of my desires and wishes. I am called to throw myself into the front-lines of spiritual battle, praying when I can do nothing else, working when and where that is possible, pouring my life out for the One who bought me. I am a girl, yes, but I am also a soldier. I am single, and financially limited, but I am also Christ’s witness and a bearer of precious tidings. My life right now should be pretty much like my married life will one day be: a life with Christ as it’s focus, it’s aim, it’s glory. In that respect, my physical conditions on earth do not alter who I am, and what I am called to do. Granted, a married woman definitely has a different field of service than a single woman does, especially if she is a mother as well, but if you see what I mean, her ultimate goal and desire should remain unchanged.
This is what God has been patiently trying to teach me over the last few years. To just live for Him. If I don’t know exactly what that means I can always do at least one thing: ask. He has promised to answer, He has promised to direct. There have been several times when I had no idea where my life would go next, but God has never yet left me hanging in limbo, when my heart was truly surrendered to Him. He is a faithful God, and One who cares deeply about me (I have no idea why), and shaped my future long before I was even born. I think I can trust Him to work only the best in my life.
Why are so many sweet, godly young ladies left single for so long, when singleness is so painful, so humiliating? I don’t know. I can’t begin to understand that. But, for me, that is merely a distraction. The Lord wants me to keep my eyes on Him, and not on the storms and confusion around me.
As far as how this plays out practically, there are many different avenues through which God has allowed me to serve Him. Some of these, I admit, seem pathetically little. Like, babysitting, to earn a little extra cash. Or helping my dad plant our huge kitchen garden every year. Or teaching my little brother how to read. God knows. I do not need to tell HIM how un-important these things are – He is the One who appointed each one as my lot in life, and I’m sure that I will be surprised one day by discovering how important such ‘little things’ turn out to be. But, the Lord has also provided ‘bigger’ and ‘funner’ ways in which to serve Him – for which I am VERY thankful! Like, the opportunity to help a homeschooling mom with housecleaning and laundry. Or, the precious opportunity to work with two autistic children, and to learn from their unique gifts. Or, again, the privilege of teaching Scripture verses to children who would otherwise never hear a word of Scripture. All of which is fun, and extremely fulfilling, in its own way. Fulfilling, because I am actually doing what I was meant to do: serve Christ. If I were a married woman, and NOT serving Christ, I would feel as unfulfilled as it is so easy to feel now, while I am single. Because marriage is not the thing which feeds our souls. Christ is.
Joanna Lynn is a child of God, and intends to spend the rest of her life getting to know her Father.
So….yes, my singleness is very defining. So defining, many people never even stop to find out anything more about me. They never realize that I have been ‘out’ in the world, that my older sister actually works a pretty gruesome job at a local nursing home (oh! shocking!), that my dad has NEVER forced his religious opinions on me, and that I actually wear skirts as a result of my own personal convictions and for no other reason. All people seem to see is my marital status. I’m not blaming them. I’m simply stating the way things are.
All of that said, it is very easy to begin to feel that my current situation is ‘unfair’, that somehow God has let me down on the issue of marriage (although, all things considered God never DID promise me a husband…did He?). It is very easy – for me, anyway – to practice housekeeping skills, and day-dream about my possible future, or maybe even cry about my possible lack of future (maritally speaking). It is so easy to feel trapped by my outside circumstances like that, and forget the bigger picture.
But here’s a surprise. Tempted as I might be to say that singleness is the most defining factor in my life right now, I would have to admit that, no, it is not. Being single is not who I am. If I were married, my marriage would not be who I am. Even just the fact that I am a woman doesn’t define my life and shape my days. The most important detail of my whole life is that I am a child of God. Wherever I go, whatever the color of my s kin happens to be, however lonely I feel, however stereotyped and boxed-in other people choose to see me, I am a Christian, bought with the priceless gift of Jesus blood, and THAT is defining, if anything is. That means, I am not my own. I am called to serve the Lord, with all of my talents, all of my being, all of my desires and wishes. I am called to throw myself into the front-lines of spiritual battle, praying when I can do nothing else, working when and where that is possible, pouring my life out for the One who bought me. I am a girl, yes, but I am also a soldier. I am single, and financially limited, but I am also Christ’s witness and a bearer of precious tidings. My life right now should be pretty much like my married life will one day be: a life with Christ as it’s focus, it’s aim, it’s glory. In that respect, my physical conditions on earth do not alter who I am, and what I am called to do. Granted, a married woman def initely has a different field of service than a single woman does, especially if she is a mother as well, but if you see what I mean, her ultimate goal and desire should remain unchanged.
This is what God has been patiently trying to teach me over the last few years. To just live for Him. If I don’t know exactly what that means I can always do at least one thing: ask. He has promised to answer, He has promised to direct. There have been several times when I had no idea where my life would go next, but God has never yet left me hanging in limbo, when my heart was truly surrendered to Him. He is a faithful God, and One who cares deeply about me (I have no idea why), and shaped my future long before I was even born. I think I can trust Him to work only the best in my life. Why are so many sweet, godly young ladies left single for so long, when singleness is so painful, so humiliating? I don’t know. & nbsp;I can’t begin to understand that. But, for me, that is merely a distraction. The Lord wants me to keep my eyes on Him, and not on the storms and confusion around me.
As far as how this plays out practically, there are many different avenues through which God has allowed me to serve Him. Some of these, I admit, seem pathetically little. Like, babysitting, to earn a little extra cash. Or helping my dad plant our huge kitchen garden every year. Or teaching my little brother how to read. God knows. I do not need to tell HIM how un-important these things are – He is the One who appointed each one as my lot in life, and I’m sure that I will be surprised one day by discovering how important such ‘little things’ turn out to be. But, the Lord has also provided ‘bigger’ and ‘funner’ ways in which to serve Him – for which I am VERY thankful! Like, the opportunity to help a homeschooling mom with housecleaning and laundry. Or, the precious opportunity to work with two autistic children, and to learn from their unique gifts. Or, again, the privilege of teaching Scripture verses to children who would otherwise never hear a word of Scripture. All of which is fun, and extremely fulfilling, in its own way. Fulfilling, because I am actually doing what I was meant to do: serve Christ. If I were a married woman, and NOT serving Christ, I would feel as unfulfilled as it is so easy to feel now, while I am single. Because marriage is not the thing which feeds our souls. Christ is.
- Joanna Lynn
Thank you for this Joanna… I have been struggling with the area of what defines me… though not in terms of being single (although I am one!) but rather in terms of being a student, being the best, being an “independent career girl able to take care of herself…” Whatever it is, it boiled down to seriously asking myself who I really am.
May God bless you for reminding me, that more than all the adjectives the world can describe me, I am first and foremost, and most importantly, His child.
Julie
Thank you for the reminder!
I can’t begin to tell you how much I needed to read this today. I’ve been struggling a little, esp. as a close friend announces her pregnancy and I long for all of that too.
“All of that said, it is very easy to begin to feel that my current situation is ‘unfair’, that somehow God has let me down on the issue of marriage (although, all things considered God never DID promise me a husband…did He?). It is very easy – for me, anyway – to practice housekeeping skills, and day-dream about my possible future, or maybe even cry about my possible lack of future (maritally speaking). It is so easy to feel trapped by my outside circumstances like that, and forget the bigger picture.” This pretty much sums it up, what I’ve allowed myself to feel lately and I know that Satan has been using all of that for detriment and to get my eyes truly off of Jesus.
Thank you very, very much. My thoughts exactly.
Love this! Thank you for sharing.
wow, lol.
As a hutterite girl I can relate very well to the conservative and misinterpreted aspect; and as a single girl I can more than relate to the rest of it!:)
very encouraging the lord bless you much for sharing.
Very well said! Keep growing and learning. I’m a single girl too–and have been for 45 years. Obviously I’ve been through some of the same thought processes and struggles, and I agree that there’s a stigma for singleness. You sometimes get the feeling when people find out (especially as you get older), that there’s at least a passing thought: “Not married…yet?…I wonder what’s wrong with her?” Of course that could be our imaginations at times, but it’s not like we can ask and find out what they’re thinking. =) There’s just a sort of awkward pause (after they casually ask about husband and/or children with the assumption that you’re married like them) and then the conversation goes on. It’s strange that I feel it even from worldly people, who might say they disregard such things. If you’ve never been chosen by a man, the implication is that you’re somehow less than if you were, at least once–even if your marriage was dreadful or only lasted a short time!
Well, I’d better stop, or write an essay of my own if I have that much to say. =) I didn’t want to add much, but after what I said above–that singleness bears a stigma–I must point out that many conditions carry a stigma. Knowing this will make us more sensitive to the needs and feelings of others…and that has to be a good thing! Besides, it has been a great comfort to me to realize that not only has Jesus experienced and been tested in all ways as we are–able to understand all our sorrows and difficulties–He most definitely experienced the stigma of singleness. It’s my understanding that traditionally, marriage for a Jewish man was assumed, and that if he did not marry, he was thought irresponsible and a failure in his duty to his people. I think none of us has to bear such a heavy burden as that! Imagine the pressure on Him when His parents were ready to arrange His marriage–and at the age He began his ministry, many of his peers were grandfathers (because they married so young).
Keep depending on the Lord! He is all you’ll ever need, whether single or married.
Thank you for sharing your heart, Joanna, and putting into words what many of us are experiencing right now. May God bless you as you seek to serve, love, and worship Him despite your feelings and the perceptions of others!
Thanks for your writing Joanna!
Your words are a special blessing at a time when someone so very, very close to me is wrapped up in her very imminent wedding…and I suddenly find that part of my ‘definition’ has become ‘single’ as far a many close and dear people are concerned. Oh, the tears that I’ve shed trying to see why that status matters when I know it doesn’t. In Christ. Being His. That is more important than anything!
And if some reader would answer me: does it actually say anywhere in the Scriptures that all women will marry and should therefore live their lived in the light of that reality? I mean living well – serving the Lord in utter devotion; but truly, isn’t ‘waiting well’ a foolish practice when in reality some of us may not actually be ‘waiting’?
Anyway, thanks again!
Dear Joanna,
Thank you so much for posting this and sharing your thoughts and what was on your heart. Speaking as a homeschoole graduate and single young woman I see and understand exactly where you are coming from, although you worded it so much better than I ever could have! It is a battle sometimes because I must admitt that I greatly dislike “those” looks that I get from people as they pre-decide to stereotype me before they find out much else about who I am except my education and marital status. Through this time of my life God has been showing me to fully rely on HIM, to find my identity and security in Him and Him alone! Its not always easy, and it gets lonely sometimes, but I can say with you that there are many things that I now have the chance to do that if I were married wouldn’t be possible, such as being a nanny on the east coast for 6 months, or working on an organic farm/Christian ministry which is coming up soon. I have found that it helps to focus on the blessings that God has given me, the people that He has put in my life for me to serve and not to place all my focus on what God has decided NOT to give me (namely a husband and my own “family”).
So once again thank you!
Blessings,
~Katelynn
What a good reminder! I am in this stage right now, and it is wonderful to remember that what defines me is not any of my outward circumstances but rather my wonderful Savior!
Thank you for this post!