first published on ylcf.org, July 26, 2007
Asking for advice, a reader wrote:
“It gets a little frustrating sometimes, knowing that he is the man I am supposed to marry, yet we can’t move forward with our lives and get married because we are both still in college.”
Or because he doesn’t have a job. Or because my parents want us to wait. Or because…
Few relationships move from the first timid “hello” to the soft-whispered “I do” in the space of a year. And even those that do seem to think they had a long time to wait. Sometimes, God does seem to work with the speed of an arrow flying from Cupid’s bow. And I couldn’t be happier for my friends who met and got married so quickly. I wish them a lifetime of becoming closer friends.
But such couples are few and far between. Most, it seems, find the road to the altar long, filled with so many bumps, twists, and turns that they despair of ever reaching the state of matrimony. But in the end, they sing with the Country song, “God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you.”
As an old married woman of a whole year, let me tell you a little secret. Once you are married, all those long years of waiting seem so short. And so worth it.
It may have felt like the longest years of your life when you were apart. But as soon as you are married, you will pray that the longest years of your life are ahead: together.
I am thankful that God took His time bringing Merritt and me together. All the tears, the frustrated journal entries, the long lonely nights, the phone calls I never wanted to hang up from, the goodbyes I didn’t want to say…they all served to make me appreciate every moment I have now with my husband so much more. Like Elisabeth Elliot I claim, “There’s one thing I can give you that no woman on earth can outdo me in and that’s appreciation.”
Not that couples who meet and get married within the space of a few months can’t appreciate each other. But each time my husband introduces me as “my wife” (oh what precious words!), I remember all the years of the embarrassed introductions of “my friend Gretchen.” Each birthday with my love, I remember all the birthdays I spent thinking of him, waiting for the card I knew wouldn’t come but couldn’t help wishing for. Each time I play with my husband’s hair, I remember the years of longing to run my hands through those very same brown curls.
When you have loved one person so long, there is no denying that you will appreciate them so much more when they are finally all yours.
And that’s all well and good, you say–but what about now?
Well, another secret I might as well tell you is that a wedding band on your finger does not make you any more patient, any more loving, any more unselfish than you already were. And instead of just spending your best waking hours with the one you love, you get to spend all of them–the good, the bad, and the ugly. Plus, you get to pick up their dirty clothes that always end up on the floor, and they will probably complain once or twice that you haven’t done the dishes yet.
So if you can say with Nancy Reagan that your “greatest ambition is to have a successful, happy marriage,” then start right now.
If you put all the energy you’ve spent being frustrated with the delays into practicing to be a good wife, I promise you, it might not speed up the approach of your wedding date, but you will have a happier marriage.
During this time of waiting, the two of you are laying the foundation of your future marriage.
Do not mix impatience and frustration into the building blocks.
Remember, the longer you have to build the foundation, the stronger it can be.
Related Posts:
- Building Blocks for a Happy Marriage – Part I
- Building Blocks for a Happy Marriage – Part II
- Getting from Too to Two Takes Time
- Farmer’s Wife or First Lady: Woman Behind the Man
Photo: Gretchen (right) visiting with friend Melinda while riding around the farm, summer 2006
I think I remember reading this the first time around, but I still really appreciate the description of waiting, especially the journal entries and “embarrassed introductions”!
And as I get older, that song seems appropriate, too…these moments of disappointment are refining me for the future, and He is leading me somewhere wonderful!
As my love and I have a two year engagement ahead of us, this re-post was very timely. I struggle so much with wanting two years to fly by…thank-you for this reminder of making our foundation strong.
Thanks for re-posting this. When I was a teenager I thought it was difficult to wait for a fellow to even make an appearance. Looking back, it was hard, yes, but without quite the poignancy I feel now.
The time to be refined really is a blessing from God, though.
And as Josh Turner sings, the longer the waiting, the sweeter the kiss.
I wish that I had had this attitude when I was younger! I was a selfish and angry young teenager who alienated her family and turned away from God. Happily, though, we have healed. My husband and I have come to Christ, and we have experienced the sweet fruits of sometimes bitter patience. An attitude of surrender to God’s will has made all the difference.
Gretchen, you are one of my favorite writers!
I just wanted to say how much I appreciate your website, even though I’m from a somewhat different Christian “mold” than some of the writers here.
I’ve read on here in the past some criticism of your focus on marriage. I just want to say that one of the things that keeps me coming here is the marriage talk! In my experience in more secular realms, hardly anyone talks to singles about having a successful marriage. It’s all just “you’ll figure it out when you get there” and empty assurances that things will work out somehow, maybe. There’s plenty about romance, but little about how spouses should actually function in relationship day-to-day and treat each other as human beings. I really think young people (like myself) need to be thinking and reading about these issues more than we are, not less. We’re really being cheated if we’re not!
I realize that there are many things that are unexpected and can’t be predicted, and that’s part of the learning experience of life and marriage. Yet it would be such a loss to miss out on opportunities to learn about things that can contribute positively to such a relationship. And of course, No. 1 on that agenda is working on ourselves, which we can actively do now. There’s a quote from Tolstoy which I really appreciate — “Everybody thinks of changing humanity, and nobody thinks of changing himself.” I would submit that “spouse” could easily be exchanged for “humanity”.
Anyway – it’s refreshing to hear an realistic but optimistic tone on the subject for once. Thank you!