first published on ylcf.org, August 3, 2006
“The more I know of the world, the more am I convinced that I shall never see a man whom I can really love. I require so much!”
~Marianne Dashwood
How many of us sighed at that endearingly-rendered line of Kate Winslet’s in the movie Sense and Sensibility? I know I did, and giggled with my girlfriends over it afterwards. Though not one of us seriously doubted the likelihood of our falling in love one day, it was fun to imagine ourselves turning away scores of dejected suitors and minding our maiden way quite happily. That is, until The One appeared on the scene. We all had different opinions on the making of a perfect man, but one thing we knew for certain: we’d recognize him in a moment.
In fulfillment of a promise to address some of the questions raised on the subject of ideals and expectations, I’d like to begin by saying that Elizabeth has already said it all. Her words rang with the winsomeness of true devotion—to the Lord and to her husband—and my spirit was refreshed, as I know many of yours were, by the simplicity of her response. We often make things so unnecessarily complicated by our musings and emotional meanderings, grasping at this counsel and that, scrutinizing God’s dealings with those around us as if they could actually have any bearing upon His dealings with us. The fact of the matter is that the only way to true peace with regard to our future mate is by way of an age-old path called surrender. In fact, it’s the only way to true peace about anything. And the more comfortable we are with that idea, I believe, the happier we are in this life. We sometimes think of surrender as a last resort, an arms-folded acceptance of an unpleasant situation, rather than the gateway to all the delights our Father’s blessing and joy. How He must marvel at times over our lack of faith!
There was a time in my life when I actually allowed myself to think that God was going to give me the exact opposite of all my heart cherished just to build character in me. Events had dragged my ideals through the mire—and my expectations along with them—and I had begun to doubt that the dream of love was a valid hope. I questioned my married friends almost feverishly—Is this love business all it’s really cracked up to be? And how do you know if you’re really ‘in love’? And, if you are, does it last? They were undeniably patient with me, and gave me such winning, soft-eyed answers. But I was still skeptical. They’re in love! I’d protest to myself. How could they possibly know?
It was my younger sister who finally called me to task on the matter.
“Lanier!” she exclaimed one day when I ventured to suggest my new ideas. “What are you talking about? If we ask Him for bread, does He give us a stone?”
If we ask him for a prince, does He give us a boor? If we appeal for His guidance, does He turn His back? To be sure, God uses disappointed hopes and challenges in our lives to make us more like Jesus, but does He want to be perpetually miserable? Permit me to underscore it—God is perfectly capable of leading us through the process of preparing us for our spouse if we’ll let Him. He won’t prevent us from taking matters into our own hands, from going off on our own and making bad choices. But He does say that if we give Him the reins, He will guide us in the way we should go.
In part two I’ll dip into some of the mechanics of ideals and expectations. But just keep one thing at the front of your minds: if our expectation is in the Lord Himself, we will never be disappointed.
to be continued…
Sometimes I feel like Marianne a lot.
Thank you for the reminder! My expectation should be in HIM!
Abigail
Oh so true! The Lord led me to pray for my husband many years before we got married or even met. At first I prayed all the usual stuff “Please help him love me like Christ loves the church, please give him a love for all the children we may have, please keep other girls away from him!”
But after the first year of praying all that sort of stuff the Lord whispered to my heart a different way. He reminded me that if my man loved Him first, then he would love me right. If he always placed his relationship with God first, then every other relationship would fall into line.
The year I began praying that, my husband had deliverance poured out into his temporarily backslidden life and by the time I met and married him six years later he was a loving pastor seeking after God with his whole heart. I am NOT crediting all this to me. It wasn’t my praying that did all that. The Lord just allowed me to be a special supporting part of it.
Listen to the Spirit sisters! He knows what both you, AND your man, needs!
Much Love!
Ahhh, Lanier, your words are like a long drink of ice water on a summer day! I can relate and I am encouraged by this. For that I THANK you. My expectation should be in HIM!
Good thoughts. It’s so easy to desire someone perfect, to even imagine what he should be like and get caught up in romantic dreams . . . One of my friends once told me, “You know, we don’t need someone perfect, and you know why? Because we already have Him that is perfect–Jesus Christ. If we are to marry we just need someone who loves Him most of all.” And you know what? That’s so true.
Thank you for this article. Sometimes we forget to wave our little flag of surrender!
It was good to read this again…a great reminder of God’s faithfulness. I remember reading it and similar pieces when they were first published and wondering and questioning about how this whole finding-a-husband thing would work out…could God REALLY give me all that I wanted in a husband? But how would I know?! And now…several years later…I’m married to a man more amazing than I had ever imagined…and our meeting, courtship and marriage was so clearly orchestrated by the Lord that it still blows me away. Despite my doubts, He obviously knows very well what He’s doing.
This is wonderful. All this “surrendering” business has me terrified, regardless of my conscious knowledge of the Lord. I suppose I’ll simply have to do it anyway.
I have felt a lot like Marianne as of the last year or so, more so than ever. Course I have been though one courship already, and I found out what my ideals and expectations were in marriage. But due to the fact he held none of what I believed (except being a Christian), it did not end in marriage. I have a hard time since going through that, KNOWING I need to trust Him now more than before because that is the only way I am going to follow and get what He wants for me in my marriage. Thank you so much for your encouraging words- they were much appreciated.