My husband and I lived thousands of miles apart in the months prior to becoming engaged. It was a great experience, allowing us to take our relationship slowly and get to know each other through letters. Since I was teaching English in Japan, he sent me all kinds of things to use in my classes (music, stories, postcards), and it showed me how thoughtful he was — and still is!
We’ve saved our letters, and it’s fun to pull them out every now and then and show them to our kids. I’m glad we dated before emailing became the mode of correspondence — I love handwritten letters on all sorts of stationery, with stamps from foreign countries on the envelopes! (I still beg my traveling friends to send us postcards from faraway places!)
But I do have a caution … I knew my husband’s family very well, for over 15 years, before we started a relationship. We had gone to school together, and our brothers grew up best friends. I think it’s important for girls to REALLY take the time to get to know a young man and his family well before getting serious long-distance. It can take a lot of time and even some sleuthing around, but you’re worth it!
Try to find out who his friends are. Spend time with his friends — are these people you’ll want to hang out with for the rest of your life? What about his family? How well do you know them? How does his father treat his mother? Who are his role models? How active is he in his church community? What are his long-term career goals? Will he be able to provide a living, should you choose to stay home full-time? How does he handle commitment — not just in relationships, but with his education, training, and work? BE WARY of someone who is all talk and no solid track record.
As a mother trying to raise my own young Christian ladies, I want them to be careful and guard their hearts. We can’t let romantic feelings get in the way of discerning truth, even when it’s not as much fun!
We’ve been married since 1994, almost 16 years now! Each year that goes by, I’m more in awe that God brought us together because he’s the perfect man for me at every season of life! Looking back, I realize I was a very silly 25-year-old and I’m so thankful my heavenly Father was watching out for me, knowing who I would become!
Heather Ivester is a mom and author–as well as the sister-in-law of our beloved Lanier.
With a 4-years-of-marriage-perspective on our (now!) nearly 15 years of friendship, I can only say amen to all of this! I can’t imagine having been in a long distance relationship with someone I didn’t feel like I already knew. I’d spent enough time with Merritt’s family to feel like I not only knew him well, but that I wanted to become one of the family. Sisters are great for that…if you’re friends with a guy’s sisters, there’s not much he can hide.
Gretchen, I love your courtship story. That’s so sweet how you met your husband on a family trip and wrote letters for years. I love that! And I agree that it sure helps if you can get to know his sisters and/or brothers. I’m definitely blessed in that area — my husband’s brothers both married great Christian ladies!
I needed that today.
After going through some severe ups and downs with a guy I thought I loved, I finally decided to listen to the warnings of those who truly did love me and wanted to keep me from getting hurt. The questions you listed are truly crucial, and asking myself such questions has helped me to realize that the guy I thought was perfect actually falls quite short. Thank you.