“You know what they say,” people would tell me. “‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder’…”
I’d smile, for in fact, it was the way I often comforted myself in those years of being hundreds of miles apart from the man I wanted to marry.
“…Fonder for someone else!” They’d often add. Teasingly, of course. Yet it was a fear I remember facing.
Because sometimes, the doubts crept in. The distance crowding out the memories of the love in his smile. Time waning the emotional high of being near him. Waiting bringing to light the questions I still had.
And then I’d remember that he did chance to meet other girls once in a while in this life. And my heart would skip a few beats in fear that he might grow fonder for someone else.
But I’d always come back to the truth shared with a cousin by a family friend:
If he loves you today, he’ll love you tomorrow; if he loves you tomorrow, he’ll love you next week; if he loves you next week, he’ll love you next month; if he loves you next month, he’ll love you next year.
And I knew that if it was real love, it wouldn’t matter how much time we spent apart: he would still love me at the end of it.
The newness of being in love wears off when you are hundreds of miles apart for weeks and months on end. The doubts and fears come knocking when infatuation has nothing to feed on.
During our long-distance courtship we were able to face head-on many of the concerns and misunderstandings that other couples don’t get to deal with until those first months of marriage. As a result, when we were finally married and together, it was much easier than it would have been without the foundation a long-distance courtship provided.
We found that absence really does make the heart grow. We found that in the absence of the other, we learned to trust—God and each other. The distance forced us to really communicate, to talk—to do more than just stare into each others eyes or listen to each other breathe. We hashed out our beliefs and ideals, we discussed our heart’s desires and our favorite books, we encouraged and sharpened each other—all at a distance, mostly on paper. (And those letters are a treasure and tradition we still keep today.)
And when I faced those doubts? I went to God first. I was able to hear the still small voice of my Lord. I wasn’t constantly distracted by the presence of the object of my desire. I learned what it meant to trust (both my Lord and my boyfriend!).
In the end, the time we spent apart only confirmed that we were to be together for the rest of our lives. Absence made our hearts grow together.
Absence is to love what wind is to fire;
it extinguishes the small,
it enkindles the great.
-Comte DeBussy-Rabutin
Whether you are fearing an upcoming separation, experiencing the absence of the one your heart loves right now, or praying about the wisdom of a separation to discern God’s will, we here at YLCF pray this series is an encouragement to you. Because the beauty of separation is in the growth of the hearts that are separated.
P.S. As you’ve probably noticed, we’ve switched back to a schedule of mostly Tuesday-Thursday postings for these summer months that are so busy for both our writers and our readers. Watch for more in the “Absence Makes the Heart Grow” series coming next Tuesday. Installments of lessons learned through long-distance courtships will be interspersed throughout other post topics, much like in the Single-Minded series. So please, if you or someone you know have stories of separation to share, please let us know!
Gretchen, thank you so much for posting this!! What an encouragement it is to me today. I am in the middle of a long-distance courtship myself. In 5 weeks I will marry my love and my best friend. Mostly, I think that the distance has been a blessing in disguise. Without being able to be with each other (sometimes being apart for months), the only thing we have is communication. We have gotten in the habit of sharing everything with one another, from what we learned in our morning devotions, to even the fears we have about marriage. Because of how much we talk, in the year we have been together, we have yet to have a fight. I think that has established a firm foundation for communication in our marriage.
I never knew how painful separation could be. I feel like my heart is tearing out every time I watch him leave to go back to his home hundreds of miles away. And the longer we are apart, the more my fears grow. I can relate so well to the fears that you shared. I’ve experienced every one of them. I think one of my biggest fears at the moment is that when we are married and settle down to our everyday lives, it will be hard for us to get used to each others presence and to blend our routines since we have never experienced daily life together. When I start to think those things though, is when I have to run to the Lord, and realize that is what faith is. Trusting Him for the unknown. And believing that this is all in His plan, that He will never let us fall.
Yet the moment I see my love, no matter how long we have been apart–when I look into his eyes, I read the great love he has for me, and all the fears fade away. Because without a doubt, I know he loves me, and will always loves me. He does all he can to love me as Christ loves the Church. And that is most certainly a gift from God!!
Ah, loved this Gretchen. So very true…..long distance relationships does force both parties to communicate more, instead of being enraptured by all the lovey-doveyness. And there’s of course nothing wrong with the lovey-doveyness.
The days, weeks, months of seperation just make the time you do have together even more special.
That said — I’m praising God that I can see my sweetheart in 6 days, and get to marry him in 72 days! Ah…..
Wow! Thank you so much for sharing this, it hit me right where I’m at. With my new husband being deployed to Iraq in August I have been dreading the time apart… it is so hard to think of being apart from my husband and best friend for a year… knowing God’s grace goes before both of us helps immensely, but I know it will be hard. So it is a breath of fresh air to hear your perspective on absence… I will come back to this post often, I do believe. Thank you and God bless you and yours!!!
Oh Abigail, we will be praying for you as you near your time of separation! Have you read Ashleigh’s post about her husband being in Iraq? http://www.sarahmarkley.com/2010/03/guest-post-ashleigh If you don’t already read Ashleigh’s blog, you’ll want to check out all the encouragement for military wives: http://heart-and-home.net/the-iraq-journey/ We’re trying to expand our posts for military wives here at ylcf.org, but this is what we have so far: http://ylcf.org/category/create/military-life/ HUGS!