Absence doth sharpen love, presence strengthens it;
the one brings fuel, the other blows it till it burns clear.
-William Shakespeare
From Katie
I think that the distance has mostly been a blessing in disguise. Without being able to be with each other (sometimes being apart for months), the only thing we have is communication. We have gotten in the habit of sharing everything with one another, from what we learned in our morning devotions, to even the fears we have about marriage. Because of how much we talk, in the year we have been together, we have yet to have a fight. I think that has established a firm foundation for communication in our marriage.
From Elizabeth H.
I got to the point in my social life with “virtual” communication where it just seemed like a lot of smilies and abbreviations were being exchanged, but not a lot of real thoughts. And I wanted to learn how to communicate again, not just exchange little blurbs.
I love letter-writing, but I know that it takes away from my verbal skills in some ways. Where letters are carefully crafted, it takes skill to be able to respond graciously and in a timely manner while you are face-to-face with someone. You can’t go back and hit the “delete” button. It is not always good to mask those first reactions. You deprive someone not only of knowing the real you, but of seeing your human moments, not just the flowery ones. That is something that I am learning as someone who is more reserved.
From Lori Pierce
Really talk. Not chit chat. Ask questions, learn about each others faith, fears, expectations. Do this all the time! We change. Always be open to talk and listen. Have pictures of each other–video chat! Technology makes it so we can see each other now- use it!
We just talked about everything. For me, to have a deep convo, sometimes it’s easier to not look them in the eye–especially if it’s of a sensitive nature. We have our best talks while I’m driving!
From Chelsea W.
I’m currently in a long distance relationship, and though I have lots more to learn, I think I can answer some of these questions. I’ve recently recommended to some of my friends the benefits that only long distance can give.
The greatest benefit to being apart was it prevented me from going to “we” to quickly. When we met I was very young, and though we both knew this was the person for us, we also knew we had a long wait ahead of us. Being apart made me make decisions independently, and so only now are we starting to organize the future (furniture, etc).
Obviously the biggest drawback is just being apart. We see things we want to do with the other person and can’t. But the positives outweigh the negatives. There’s no substitute for a good foundation. And we will have the rest of our marriage to be together.
I think a lack of face to face would never kill a relationship right off, just make it harder. I think it could be harder if you had never actually met the person face to face, or if there weren’t occasional phone calls. People write differently than they speak, and have mannerisms. In marriage, that’s what you’re going to be around–not letters (hopefully). So I think it’s a good idea to have some sort of idea what this person is like before investing a bunch of time and emotion into long distance. (We worked together at a restaurant for six months before my family moved, so I had seen him in all sorts of situations).
We emailed a lot. At first there were restrictions, and his mom read the emails. We could only email something like twice a week, and he called on “special days” (holidays and birthdays). The emails were more intentional than just what we were doing in the day. It was more of “this is what we did, what are your opinions on [related topic]?”. He mentally had a list of things he wanted to cover, but we covered most of them before I left, I think. Also, one visit I made, we went through a list with his parents that his mom had found that was quite extensive.
Our communication was emails, and occasional phone. Recently is has been shorter emails and some Skype. Our communication was monitored by his parents. We knew going into the long-distance phase that the purpose was preparing for marriage, unless God showed us that wasn’t the destination for our relationship.
One thing I wish I knew was how hard it would be when we were together. I would visit occasionally, and temptation is really hard because it’s not something you’re used to dealing with, but you’ve become very close emotionally.
We were apart 2,000 miles for a year and a half, then together for six months, then 2,500 miles for a year. I will get to see him for a month starting next week, then 2,500 miles away for another year, then long distance over!!!
I would encourage those in long distance relationships that the situation you are in requires you to build that foundation you need for marriage that everyone should build–there are just more distractions when you are together. Be intentional about what you say and explain yourself well. If you have concerns about anything, bring them up. And find ways to show your affection for each other frequently (if your relationship is at the point where that’s appropriate). I get one line “I love you” emails daily, and it’s really nice.
I don’t have any books to recommend, but something that I found helpful is watching godly relationships that are around me. It really helped to see people my age who were in serious relationships, as well as people who were already married. They really encouraged me because I was able to see what we were working towards, as well as see how they interacted and their relationship dynamics.
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As someone who has been through a long distance courtship and engagement I must add that it is very important to keep in constant communication as much as possible. My man and I were only able to talk on the phone once or twice a week during our courtship, but for me it was vitally important that we try to email or write each other every day (it didn’t ALWAYS happen – but we definitely made an effort to). I just felt as though I was starting to lose connection with him if we didn’t stay in communication enough. We both were leading very busy lives with so much happening separate of one another that consistent communication became a key factor in making our relationship grow stronger.
I just had to say that I really appreciated this post and the one prior. I haven’t been to YLCF in quite a while, and when I do check in, I’m almost always blessed and encouraged by what I read. Thank you! I know I personally love to communicate through the written word (online or handwritten)…but I appreciated the balance in the comments, to say that communication is important, but in-person communication is especially important too…for people like me, I think that’s something very important to practice. Blessings!