Happiness At Home

I wrote this some three years ago, then a girl just out of her teens, not knowing when or if I should ever marry. But God has indeed brought that ‘perfect time’ into my life, and it has been the most beautiful thing ever, and I am thankful for the opportunity to put into practice what I have been learning and growing with these past years. If anyone has room to grow and learn, it would be me, but with each new days God gives new chances to turn this little house into a home, a happy, beautiful home, and blesses us each day with another taste of what was my heart’s- our hearts’- greatest desire- a happy, wonderfully happy marriage

I am not married. I am still waiting, until God’s timing is perfected, and I, too, shall stand to pledge my life and love to the man God gives to me. I look forward to that day… as any girl does.

But I am watching. I am observing the lives and homes of those who are already there. I learn a lot by doing this. I’ve seen so much, and stored it in my heart for that someday when I too, shall be like many of you, a married lady.

I never thought a lot about marriage. Childhood slipped away, and as I found womanhood staring me in the face. I became thoughtful. I had just gone through one of the most painful chapters of my life up to that point, and marriage was a scary thing to me. I wasn’t sure I really wanted it. A tear stained page in a journal recorded my sentiments: “If you cannot be friends, if you cannot tolerate a mistake, if you cannot love when you’re hurt, if you cannot just talk, instead of fight and argue, don’t get married at all.” Another page recorded, “Learn from others mistakes. Don’t follow their footsteps. Being single is better than what I’ve seen so far.”

Happy homes were a rare thing, that I knew, and that is why I began to watch carefully. What made a happy home? What were the common denominators in unhappy homes? Why did love seem to die out of marriages after a few years?” There must be answers, and I was going to find them.

Prayer, observation, study, time. This began to answer some of those questions. I’m still watching, I’m still learning. And I expect I will only fully understand, when I am there, in that place in my life.

I saw so many homes, so many sad, broken homes, where there was some sort of “love” before marriage, but so little friendship after. There was compatibility, yes. I saw great potential, but that wasn’t enough. They never learned to be friends, before they loved. They didn’t enjoy doing things together- every day things. They couldn’t talk, heart to heart, they couldn’t work together, they couldn’t laugh together. Shallow romance was all that they had ever known, and real life is romantic, but it’s not always the no challenge type of romance that only goes so deep. It takes something deeper than that, and it doesn’t often seem to exist.

Love was fading out of their lives. They had no time for each other. The importance of taking time out of the schedule to even just go for a tiny walk, or share a meal as a family, was not there anymore. Life was too busy, and they became very self centered. They didn’t have time to talk, and therefore they never did.

Communication Skills- they just aren’t there. Sometimes it seems like the desire to communicate isn’t either. Whenever a conversation was started, it seemed without exception, to turn into an argument, full of accusations, heated words, and raised voices. There was no love there, no forbearance. No mutual respect, or self control. They had never learned to work through hard conversations, or to discuss deep things. This brought constant conflict, and I know the pain that a home like this can bring.

There was but little willingness to sacrifice a little- to give a little to make the other happy. There was not humility to say, “I was wrong” and “I’m sorry”. There was little understanding, or room for mistakes. Marriage was bitter. It was a gall, and husband and wife were miserably unhappy.

But I saw other homes, too. Homes where love radiated so vibrantly that it warmed my heart, just to look on. I saw a deep friendship- a lasting one. I saw love that was forgiving, I saw people who enjoyed talking to each other, who could discuss a hard, and even controversial subject and work through it, with out anger, without argument. The little things that were important in courtship were carried into marriage- those small attentions, the little special things that made courtship special. I saw husband and wife who made mistakes, but got up again and went on trying to make their lives together the very best they could be. In short, I saw a picture of true love. I observed things that I hope I don’t forget, that I don’t fail to put into practice myself someday.

Friendship. Communication. Time. Self-sacrifice. Humility. They’re all tied up together as cornerstones of a happy home, and a beautiful marriage relationship.

It will be my deepest joy to say on my wedding day, “I married my very best friend.” The man who I can talk to, even when it’s hard, the man who is not just my lover, but deeper than that, I would rather spend time with being friends than anyone else. I want to take time to talk, make it a point to communicate about every thing-big and small. I want to sacrifice my comfort zone to do things with him that he enjoys, and not expect anything back. I want to be humble enough to say I’m sorry, when I make a mistake, or fail, or am just plain wrong and don’t like it. And I want to take time, no matter how busy life is, to keep the spark of love glowing, and alive. I suppose it’s a high ideal, coming from someone where I am, but I am coming to believe it’s not impossible. It can’t be. That’s what God says He wants for us too.

We have to lay our foundations right. If we want a strong marriage, we must build the basis. If we are married, we build the walls.

It is not fair to expect that we will automatically be wonderful friends, have good communication, be humble and self sacrificing, or anything else once we are married, if we do not have these things now. Before marriage is the time to learn these vital things, after marriage we must cultivate them.

Friendship takes commitment. It takes being willing to be hurt, and to grow from it to be a better person. We build friendship by spending time together- by finding true romance in both special times together, and the simple things. In living life together.

Communication is probably what I see lacking the most often, and it’s often tied in with the time issue. How many couples are so busy that they don’t take or make time to just sit down and talk- about anything? Days go by, and frustrations build up. Then there is an explosion, and the communication that takes place is anything but pleasant or helpful.

Take time out to talk- often. It’d be better to talk too much, than to talk too little, from what I can see. Talk about what’s going on in your life during the day, take an interest in what he did at work. Talk about dreams, ideas, and be open to suggestions, and learn to let little things go.

I am convinced that only one thing can truly bring these building blocks effectiveness. That one thing is keeping Jesus in the center of our lives, our love, our home. If our focus is turned onto any other thing, love becomes shallow, selfish, and lifeless, for it is only in Him that we can experience Love- true, deep, lasting love.

If you cannot pray together, if you cannot talk of what God is convicting you on, or allow the other to do what God is calling them to, take some time apart, and find out why. Perhaps focus has been shifted, perhaps together, you need to make a new start in Him? It is vital that our lives are right with God, or no matter how well we do these other steps, it will all be worth absolutely nothing. After all, we cannot really love, unless He gives us that love.

Nothing is more special than what I saw a year ago, shortly before moving to Colorado. An elderly man and elderly lady, hand in hand, walking and talking. They didn’t see the other people, and they weren’t even talking about anything really important, but it was plain to any eye that they were the very best of friends. It was plain that they loved each other, that they’d been through a lot together, and that they had learned what few homes have today- love isn’t just romance. It’s something a lot deeper. Learn to live for the happiness of your spouse, and not yourself. Be willing to make changes, and not expect the other person to change. Love in spite of pain. Never give up.

When I am 90 years old, I want to still be my husband’s best friend. I want to still love him like I did the day we were married. I want to still be able to pray together each day, and grow in Christ. I want to have that picture of depth that only Christ brings. I want to allow that love to be deeply rooted in my heart, so that no matter what storms may lay ahead, together, we can make it through.

originally written spring 2006