Also, in my marriage, we’ve never felt that I need to choose between motherhood and marriage. Babies are babies and for such a short time. My husband is a man–one who is quite happy to change diapers, or put on a sling and take the baby for a walk to help out so that we can have time together. Time together sometimes ends up being the three of us, but again, it is for such a short time that we are blessed with little ones. As the parents of a 15 year-old, we know this all too well.

Please remember that babies cry to ask for help because they don’t feel right, not to control their parents. When they are lovingly attended to, they learn that they matter, and that their feelings are real, and most importantly through this process, they and their mommies learn to trust themselves. The story about Merritt crying it out as a baby made my heart ache. Babies need our loving response (not spoiling!), and mothers need to respond. That’s how we learn what our babies need. (Sears wisely points out that spoiling refers to food that has been left somewhere and goes bad.) Sometimes we don’t know what is wrong, but I do know that I like to be held when I cry. If that’s all I can do, so be it–this is what mothers do. (An interesting caveat, my 15 year-old son is sometimes quicker than I am at picking up and comforting a crying baby. I think this is a good thing, and something he learned from having his own needs attended to as a baby.)

Two of my friends, who when we had our first babies, were ardent (zealous?) Ezzo fans, have eased up and become much more attachment oriented with their other babies. Why? They said that the felt “detached” from the first. Sadly, they trained themselves and their babies to be so.

Finally, I find it rather presumptuous for the Ezzos to refer to their method as “God’s Way”. In this Christmas season, I’m often drawn to the Nativity. I find it unthinkable that Mary *ever* allowed the Christ Child to “cry it out” because he “needed to cry”, or for any other reason. She held Him when He cried, I have no doubt. He also very likely slept with, or near his parents, and I’m sure he was carried often. What better mother to emulate? God’s Way, indeed?

Dr. Sears is a Christian and has written a book specifically for Christian parents. I think if you read this book you would find that the attachment style of parenting is VERY biblically-based. Dr. Sears DOES believe we were all born as sinners, and his book that was written for Christian parents even discusses this. In addition, this “new style” of parenting has been around since the beginning of time, and is not a new idea at all. It was lost during the generations that began to look at children as burdens rather than blessings.

And I think it is also worth mentioning the AAP issued a statement discouraging new parents from following the Ezzo-like advice of scheduling a newborn’s feedings. It can lead to supply problems for mom and most harmful, failure to thrive in infants. I believe that a few babies have even died from parents rigidly following Frank Ezzo’s advice. I also think it’s necessary to mention that Frank Ezzo is not a doctor, and has no medical training.

The reason that a mother feels guilty when they purposefully let your baby cry is because it goes against everything your maternal instinct is telling you to do. Women have a true physical response to a baby crying – their adrenaline begins rushing, their heart beats more quickly. It’s normal and natural and biblical to tend to you baby when you cry. When your baby is old enough to understand what is going on and has the concept of object permanence down, it’s more understandable to let them fuss for sometime. But when they’re so young (before object-permanence is established) they have no clue whether or not you’re coming back. For all they know, their mom has just abandoned them forever. How cruel to leave them in that state to let them cry by themselves until they’re so tired they simply pass out. Usually at some point between 5-8 months, babies begin to understand that when something leaves their sight, it still exists. (Usually, you can tell they’ve developed this understanding if they drop a toy and look down to find it.) At that point, while I personally would not choose this approach, it is much more understandable to let them fuss some. They know you still exist and they understand that you will come back.

I’ve been reading this site for a little over a year and have been very encouraged and blessed by it in many ways! But it is discouraging for a very wonderful, very beneficial, very natural parenting style to be put down without much effort put into learning about it.

Plus, what Dr. Sears teaches is not a “new method”. It’s older than the “genertaions-old common sense” that Gretchen speaks of. Nursing on demand, attending to your child’s cries (since they are the only way a baby knows how to communicate), etc. have been around much longer than the supposed “common-sense”. I think it makes more sense to attend to a baby’s cries and feed them when they are hungry.

I am a mother of a toddler, with a second little one on the way. We’ve had nothing but excellent experience with attachment style parenting. Our daughter is well adjusted, independent, happy, and trusts us implicitly. I do credit it with the style of parenting in her infant years.

-An avid YLCF reader since 1999