by Kristy Howard
Being the child of parents who successfully raised three children to “believe in” courtship, I’m often asked, “How did your parents do it? Did they just tell you not to date?”
Well, no. Training your kids to go against the grain of our society (and most youth groups) and “not date” involves much more than simply laying down the law on a sixteen-year old who has just been asked out. As is the case with all child training, teaching your kids about courtship starts much earlier than the teenage years. Obviously I can’t offer you any advice from a parents’ perspective (my girls are ages 3 yrs and 7 mos, so dating won’t be an issue for quite some time!) but I can share with you what my parents did with my siblings and me…
1. You must have a good relationship with your kids. My mom and dad lived by the adage, “Rules without relationship breed rebellion”. Being your child’s friend doesn’t mean that you aren’t “the boss” or that you don’t have the final say; it does mean, that you are approachable, open, and treat each child with respect. If your kids grow up wanting to please you, they will naturally be more open to the principles and standards that courtship involves.
2. You must train your children not to follow the crowd. The pressure on young people to “date around” is enormous, and if your teenager isn’t accustomed to standing alone, he or she may be tempted to cave in and do what “everyone else” is doing. Unfortunately, the pressure doesn’t always come from peers. I remember a lot of adults looking at me strangely when I, at seventeen and eighteen years of age, told them I didn’t date.
Family members may even fail to understand why your kids have “weird ideas” about dating, but that’s okay. Time will defend your case, and when your kids are grown, fully functional, and married to spouses who are the same, people who once doubted the sanity of your “ideas” will come asking you for advice.
Another good point to remember is this: teach your kids the principles of courtship, but don’t make them fearful of being friendly with the opposite sex. I’ve seen this happen many times in well-meaning families, and the results are self-defeating, at best. After all, the whole purpose of courtship is to ensure that your child goes into marriage, not only pure in body and mind, but ready to step up to the challenges and responsibilities of being a wife or husband. Kids who grow up thinking that all association with the opposite sex is “bad” will have an extremely difficult time relating to and developing a healthy relationship with their future husband or wife. Allow and encourage your son or daughter to have healthy and wholesome involvement with members of the opposite sex. Your teenage son should be able to be friendly with a nice Christian girl without his younger siblings singing the K-I-S-S-I-N-G song!
3. Pray. Perhaps most important of all, pray for your children. No doubt you already do that, but take it even a step further and pray for your children’s future spouses. My parents have told me countless times that they began praying for my future husband before I was even born. The answer to their prayers is the loving, commited man I married five years ago. I have no doubt whatsoever that my parents’ prayers had an enormous effect on Jeremy’s life, and were probably instrumental in his becoming a Christian… maybe I’ll share that story with you sometime.
If raising teenagers who embrace the principles of courtship seems a daunting task to you, never fear. It can be done! And for the glory of God and the preservation of the Christian home, it must be done. Never underestimate the power of your influence or your prayers… you, as a parent, can vastly affect the outcome of your child’s future. Take it from a grateful daughter who knows.
What a wonderful article..:)
amazing and wonderful!
It was such great practical advice and yet so balanced from both perspectives from both the daughter and parents…HOW I wish i could have seen an article just like this when i was 18..10 years ago..but i’m glad to have seen it today, it has ministered to me…beyond words…too many times in my own life I dated…and never once was i courted by the right “Prince Charming” ..well guess what?
Kristy your beautiful article convicted me today so much so that i just won’t read and think “Oh what a wonderful article..leave a comment and forget about it the next day..” I will print this out as a reminder of what God wants in my life…:)
And I’ll remmember to never settle for anything less than the very best that Jesus wants for me.
I’m His Daughter and HE is my King. and just that is enough, whether i meet that perfect match or not I will love Jesus until my dying day..:)
hey girls….before i forget..i have some promising news that i am dying to share
)
I might be going on a short-term missions trip to New Orleans in April..It’s all still in the very early stages of development, i am filling out application tommorow will get it faxed, once approved i must raise 50% of the money..BUT i’m just so plain excited!!
Please pray for me whoever is on this site please, i need a lot of prayer to be more convicting when talking about Christ, to have more faith, Less Fear..not to be so nervous,but to be trusting to the Lord…..i’m really sorry that this is so long, but i just had to share my good news with the best folks of all…My christian sisters in Christ..:)
And one of my prayers have been answered, my mom originally would not allow me to go on this short term missionary trip..NOW she changed her mind, and is willing..i still can’t get over that one..:))
Everything happens to bring God glory…and this article Kristy was written for God’s glory and for us to learn more about Him and about beautiful courtship
Thanks again for the article, Kristy it was simply beautiful
And i’d love to see more of your articles in the future
take care everyone!
Sorry so long!
Blessings and hugs!
To God be all glory always!
PTL(Praise the Lord)
In Him, Jane.
Another important aspect of raising kids who accept and like the idea of courtship, is letting them know that that’s the way your family is going to do it from the time they’re young. My mom tried really hard to avoid any talking of boyfriends or dating when we were little and now all us kids are happy with the idea. In fact, at this point we’re trying to teach my younger siblings not to question the fact of somebody being a Christian just because they or their children date:) Dating was never an option in my family and we were shown how damaging dating relationships can be. I’m very satisfied with having my parents involved in the my decision of who I marry, I wouldn’t want it any other way. It gives me such confidence knowing I won’t have to face one of the most important decisions you can make on my own.
Natalie,
I was wondering if you could share your creative solution to the photography at your wedding ??……………….(. “my photographers came up with some wonderfully creative solutions which enabled us to get great pictures without making people wait for us during the reception.”)……………as my brother is getting married this month.
Lydia
This is a very encouraging article. My parents played a large part in approving of my husband. We did not have anything against dating, but I remember not wanting to just date anyone. I would pray that God would protect me from the dating game, and then at the same time, I would want to have a boyfriend like all the other girls. But God answered my first prayer, and did in fact protect me, which I am so glad for! When I met my husband, we decided we did not want to go by the world’s standards, but instead wanted to court.
Jane I will be praying for you about the trip to New Orleans. Sounds like a great opportunity!
–a sister in Christ
I’ll be praying for you, Jane.
~Elizabeth H.
“Another good point to remember is this: teach your kids the principles of courtship, but don’t make them fearful of being friendly with the opposite sex. I’ve seen this happen many times in well-meaning families, and the results are self-defeating, at best.”
I just wanted to second how important this is, it is something I really struggled with growing up. Only now at age 22 1/2 do I feel more comfortable with the opposite sex.
Wonderful news, Jane! I’ll pray for you.
In His joy,
Laura
I wish someone would write an article about how to feel more comfortable around (Christian) guys, it’s always been one of my problems too. Sometimes I’m blushing even when around boys I’m not attracted to at all! And several fellows I know also seem too scared to talk with us girls, or to even look at us. I think it’s ridiculous but don’t know what I should do… Once, during a youth meeting, we were told that authentic, sound guy-girl friendships are an impossibility.(?) My church is a very, very conservative one, btw… that explains a lot, I guess.
I’ll be praying for you, Jane, especially as I can relate to your getting nervous when it comes to witness