Not long before my wedding I had a heart-to-heart with one of my very best friends. She had been married for several years and had a relationship with her husband that I much admired. I wanted to know if she had any secrets for me, any wise words of counsel that would start me off on the right foot as the wife I so dearly longed to be myself. She smiled and sighed and looked thoughtful. And then she laughed, for once in her life completely speechless. (I now know exactly how she felt—Where to begin?!.)
A few days later an envelope with a picture of Anne and Diana appeared in the mailbox, the last missive I ever received in my maiden name. Inside I found pages of closely-written lines, in a handwriting as dear and unpredictable as my sweet friend herself. She had many things to say to me, words of loving exhortation, cheerful reminders, glad-hearted promises of the joy that lay before me, and I cherished them all. But if the whole tone and flavor of her letter could be gathered up in a nutshell, it would look like this:
Share life.
Don’t stop dating once you are married. Take the extra pains you would have during your courtship to enter fully into the pursuits and pleasures of your beloved. Allow yourself to be stretched and broadened by the limitless horizons of this wonderful personality you have pledged your life to. Grow, change, expand, burst into flower!
All too often, married couples eventually lose the wonder of their first fascination with each other. But it doesn’t have to be this way—indeed, I firmly believe that God had something totally different in mind than cordial compatibility when He gave us the gift of marriage. Ecclesiastes exults, Enjoy life with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life…which He hath given thee! In Proverbs we are told that a man should always be ‘carried away’ with love for his wife. There’s no doubt that the Song of Songs espouses a marriage of perpetual and increasing rapture.
Of course, there is a comfort and familiarity in marriage that comes with time and this is very sweet. I would only say, don’t get so comfortable that you neglect to do the things that you once did to show your man that simply being with him is the dearest pastime on earth. The friend who thus exhorted me loves hunting and fishing and camping with her man. Another friend with a houseful of little children arranges occasional days when she and her husband can just be together and ‘pal around’. I feel almost intoxicatingly loved when Philip takes the time to read a book with me or listen to a symphony or sit on the front porch and watch the sunset.
Sheldon Vanauken had an insight that is still unique, thirty years after his book A Severe Mercy was published:
The killer of love is creeping separateness. Inloveness is a gift of the gods, but then it is up to the lovers to cherish or to ruin. Taking love for granted, especially after marriage. Ceasing to do things together. Finding separate interests. ‘We’ turning to ‘I’…Against creeping separateness we would oppose the great principle of sharing.
Every moment that a Christian husband and wife have truly shared works like a golden thread, slowly, carefully, purposefully weaving their hearts together with God into a ‘three-fold cord [that] is not quickly broken’. It’s worth all the work and energy and time required–and do not expect it to be otherwise. But your love will be a thing of beauty, a radiant witness to the First Love. A joy forever.
read the rest of the series on preparing for marriage: >> Part One >> Part Two >> Part Four
WOW. . .simple yet so VERY profound!
Thank you!
This is the desire on my heart-
That my fiancee and I would continue to cultivate our love for one another far past our wedding and ‘honeymoon’ stage.
Lanier, your post gives me such hope that my future marriage can be one full of happiness and love.
I’ve seen so many couples (some very close to me) which has almost no closeness or love left in them- they simple co-exsist.
I agree with you and your dear friend Lanier- it doesnt have to be that way! God gives us spouses for a reason, so we can see and feel the goodness and mercy of Christ in a tangible way.
Great and insightful post! Thanks a lot, Lanier!!
Debbie
Lanier, you truly have a beautiful way with words. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and experience with us. This series has been worthy of saving and re-reading.
Tucking this little pearl of wisdom away, hoping to use it someday!
Blessings,
LM
Thanks for the encouragement!! Although I am not in a relationship, one of the things that I pray for the most is a “deep and abiding love.” My best friend is courting a young man right now, and it is so wonderful to watch both of them “grow, change, expand, burst into flower” as a result of this relationship. Love between a godly man and women is such a wonderful gift!!
I found this article to be so encouraging! Before we were engaged, all that anyone wanted to know was WHEN we would become engaged. Naturally, I expected there to be much joy when the announcement was made and although there has been excitement, we have also recieved some very negative and bitter comments, even in the church, such as “You’re happy now, but just wait six months” “Watch, you’re going to drive eachother crazy” “All you’re feeling now is infatuation”. After all this, I’ve been thirsting for some up-lifting, Biblical and practical advice. Thanks for posting this article. Hope to see more of it’s kind soon!
God Bless,
Catherine Ann
I was browsing the archives when I cam across this series on marriage. What a true gem, and very much needed today. What a treasure it must have been to receive such a heartfelt letter from a dear friend. I find it difficult to find other like minded women who want to better their marriages. Maybe someday I will find a kindred spirit who will encourage, and point me ever onward.