“I have just one piece of advice for you,” she told us, scanning our expressions to make sure we were comprehending, “and it’s this: if you always agree on everything, one of you is expendable.”
One of you is redundant. One of you is getting walked over.
But hopefully we soon learn what God and Mrs. McCrae knew all along: differences of opinion are a completely natural, and more, a healthy aspect of a truly loving relationship. How else are we to grow, if not challenged by the other? What need have we of ‘iron sharpening iron’ if we’re already perfected to begin with? If we are not prepared, however, for these occasional divergences from what we think is right, some panic button down inside of us can send out a false alarm of anger or fear. An over-reaction. An outburst or a withdrawal. A fight.
As much as we hate to be reminded of it, we are all sinful creatures. And the intimacy of marriage is only going to high-light this. If nothing can give you joy like the sunshine of your beloved’s favor and understanding, conversely, nothing can bewilder you with pain like even a momentary loss of communion. Disagreements come with the territory; it’s all part of the game—no two people, no matter how much in love, in understanding, are ever going to look at things exactly alike. But it doesn’t have to get ugly. It can actually be interesting—it can even be fun if we play by the rules. And, no matter how mature we are or otherwise, it can always be a moment of God’s grace.
So here’s my little watchword for the week:
Play fair
- Don’t ever walk out the room in anger or hang up the phone on your spouse. If you need time alone to cool off, express this calmly.
- Decide beforehand not to use the words ‘always’ or ‘never’ in the midst of a disagreement. (And, for the record, ‘ifs’ and ‘buts’ should be equally taboo in an apology.)
- Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. He’s every bit as entitled to his opinion as you are.
- There’s a reason the Bible tells us not to let the sun go down on our anger—it’s all too easy to get lazy with our misunderstandings.
- Keep in mind that I Corinthians 13 is really all the rules of engagement we need. And that we have the grace of our Lord at our fingertips—if we will only remember to ask for it.
read the rest of the series on preparing for marriage: >> Part One >> Part Two >> Part Three
These articles have been such a blessing- so full of truly biblical counsel- things I KNOW will work, if they are applied.
Thank you, Lanier.
Thank you so much for this great post! I needed to hear that… Greetings, Debbie
Not being married yet, I can only speak for the pre-marriage time. But we have had our share of disagreements, some more intense than others.
It is hard, sometimes even scary, but overall we have really valued those differences because we know it is a sign of honesty and depth.
Good post, Lanier! I hope this series is a long one because I’m enjoying it!
I add my thanks as well, Lanier. There is a graciousness about your writing I so appreciate!
(If these go into your book–I think I might have to buy it just for these articles.)
Lanier,
There is SO much wisdom and truth in this- for every relationship.
I’m learning slowly bu surely that these “guidelines” or “rules” are so necessary for healthy differences.
~Katie B.
Thats really good advice… heheheeee maybe someday I’ll be able to try it out!
I heartily enjoy these, Lanier!