I think one problem is that we fail to understand the difference between contentment and completeness. In some senses, we will never be complete until we reach Heaven. But we singles have a special kind of “incompleteness” because half of us – our spouse – is missing. And when we fail to recognize that and separate the two ideas, we get frustrated because contentment seems to elude us. We still feel that something is missing. My personal analogy for this idea is a man who is blind. This man, through God’s grace, can be content, and can learn to live without sight. Other senses can compensate to a great extent – yet none of us would try to tell him that he is physically complete. It’s obvious that he is missing something he should have!
Singleness is a similar form of incompleteness. We were created to complement each other, and to become one flesh (Matt.19:4-6). If it is God’s will for us to remain single, He will give us the grace to live with that “incompleteness,” but we shouldn’t pretend it isn’t there. I believe that a single person is complete spiritually. It is not necessary for us to be married in order to be saved, sanctified, or blessed by God. But in some way – perhaps emotionally? I don’t know – we are incomplete until marriage. It seems to me that God’s original plan, now spoiled by sin, was for every man and woman to have a mate.
It’s okay to want what you were meant to have, but we must also live joyfully and contentedly in the present reality. This contentment while still reaching for something better is one of the paradoxes of the Christian life that is hard to grasp. But it is vital for us to learn to be content while waiting in order to live the way God has called us to. As Jim Elliot wrote to his future bride, “Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living” (Passion and Purity, pg. 160).
So how do we get from singleness to marriage? The number one answer is, “Pray for a husband!” I’ve been convicted over the past year that I don’t pray boldly enough. The tenor of my prayers is usually, “Help me to be content, to wait patiently, and to trust You. I accept Your will even if it means a life of singleness.” Sound like a good prayer? My real request is missing! I’m not asking for a husband. Philippians 4:6 says “. . . in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.”
And Matthew 7:7-11 is even more specific: “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?”
God wants to hear our heart’s desires. We have to say “Thy will be done,” but don’t stop there! Pray boldly and with faith, believing that He is abundantly able to bring you a mate. The request for a husband is a godly one. Don’t be ashamed to pray specifically!
. . . Be of good courage. It’s all too easy to become cynical about marriage as time continues to pass with no changes in our single state. But despising marriage or exalting singleness beyond its place is not the answer. Instead, let’s strive for contentment now, with hope for the future. Singleness can be a means by which we are drawn into increasing fellowship with our Lord as we learn to take up our cross daily and follow Him.
I hope this series of articles has been encouraging to you. It may have opened up some new ways of thinking about marriage in general, or you may have disagreed with things I have said. I don’t claim to have all the answers, or even most of them! My goal is just to encourage you, and I’d be happy to have you contact me if you have questions or comments. If there is a lot of interest, I may follow up with more articles. May God bless you as you continue to serve Him in marriage or singleness!
Click to read the rest of the series… Part One >> Part Two >> Part Three
11 Comments
“Contentment now, with hope for the future.”
That’s a great motto!!
Blessings,
LM
Thank you for this series, Jeannie. It has helped me more than you know.
Lauren
Jeannie,
Thank you so much for this excellent series! Your words were so challenging, encouraging, and refreshing. I am going to print them out so that I can come back to them again and again! May God bless you!
-Sarah
Thank you, Jeannie, for your articles on the subject of singleness. I have found them of enormous benefit. So often, single women are treated rather insensitively by those who are married, in particular by fellow Christians. They are told – in order to either console or justify – that singleness is a gift, without such people truly thinking about what they are saying, and that if they were in the same situation how awful they would feel. It can be so difficult for a single woman when a friend marries and subsequently completely forgets the struggles and trials of singleness, and then have her newly-married friend continuously laud married life!!
I know the above may sound very negative, but I feel singleness is made more acute by the attitudes of other Christians. I find it so much easier to be single amongst my non-Christian friends than amongst my Christian friends, and that is something I find rather sad.
Those of us who are single must continue to wait in faith and with hope, keeping our eyes fixed firmly on Him …………….
Jeannie,
You hit the nail on the head. Wish I could have read your series when I was a single. Thank you for writing something I can share with single friends.
It is so good to hear someone say “it’s not wrong to pray for a husband!” This is something the Lord had to reveal to me…and it opened up such a new understanding of His character to me. I was actually praying He would give me a certain specific man! And I might add…He did. (Though I wouldn’t condone doing that all the time!) I prayed long and hard about my feelings for this man before ever asking…but when I finally asked, I was SO at peace with whatever He decided to do…and He gave me the desire of my heart!
Jeannie, thank you so much for this series of articles. It is just what I have been needing to hear. So often I feel like people tell me basically to “just get over it” and be happy being single. But I feel that God has something great in store for me, and I believe with all of my heart that that includes marriage. I know I can trust Him with it, and I can be content in that. Thank you for the realistic encouragement!
Instead, let’s strive for contentment now, with hope for the future. Amen! that is what I have been trying to do/keep that perspective.
A friend last year mentioned to me the same thing…about praying boldly! I want to strive to do this as well, I know that my prayers often run along the same lines as yours.
Your posts come at a very good time for me, I so needed to read all that you read. To help confirm some things I’ve been feelings, push me to new territory, and draw me closer to the Lord.
Thank you Jeannie!
~Jaclynn Psalms 37:4-5
Loved your series, Jeannie, this last one espcially! Wise musings.
Hey! Don’t stop!! This series has been an incredible blessing to me, I wish it would keep going.
Thanks so much Jennie!
God bless.
Thank you so much for writing these articles! A year or two ago I would have really needed to hear these things. I still do find them helfpful, as I’m sure many of you do. But today I am a testmony to the fact that yes you can be content while still having that God given desire for a mate. Being content is such a blessed, and peaceful place to be! I used to absoluly consumed with the desire to be married. I think back now to what an unhealthy state of mind that is! When you get to that point of be discontent, I think your probibility of pairing yourself off meantally and giving part of your heart away is just too dangerously high. Praise the Lord that He is there for us single girls to help us through our rough patches!
Thanks again, and God Bless!
Marianne