I would like to begin by making a clear distinction between ideals and expectations. You may remember my mother’s friend who adjured me: “throw your expectations out the window, but keep your ideals sky high”. I think it was only after I crossed from maidenhood to marriage that I fully realized the wisdom of those words. But, of course, at that point, I had the flesh and blood reality of all I’d been waiting and longing and praying for right there beside me. It was much, much harder to trust that the man I was dreaming of would be all that I had hoped when I was still wondering if he even existed or not. And it was even harder to see the difference between expectations and ideals.
Ideals, I believe, can be a part of a God-given vision of what He wants to do with our lives: what will be best in His loving plan, and, frankly, most appealing to us as the individuals He has created us to be. Rather indistinct, to be sure, because by their very nature they imply a hope not yet seen. But an indefinable part of our very selves.
Expectations tend to be more explicit; they seem to leave less room for God’s surprises and specifics. And they usually indicate that our imagination has pranced ahead of reality and painted a scene on our minds which quickly goes to our hearts and lodges there, masquerading as an ideal. A non-optional requirement. An absolute.
Ideals are things you can’t back down from—things for which you’d chose singleness rather than deny. Is he devoted to Christ? Is he devoted to you? Is he absolutely committed to the principles of God’s word? And, not least by any means, are you devoted to him? I believe that the dream of love is a very valid ideal, so long as it is founded on the love Christ modeled for us, the kind of Love that knows beyond all doubt that it is sweeter to love even than to be loved. Ten minutes into a good marriage you’ll recognize your own unworthiness—both of you—and ideally (and I use this word purposefully 
) you’ll channel this self-realization into a self-giving devotion. Because that is the only way to fully experience the joy God had in mind for us when he thought up marriage in the first place.
When you have given your heart to your expectations, to specifics about how he will look or what he will wear or what kind of music he’ll listen to, then you’ve fallen in love with a mere symbol, an image. An idol. We all do it. I know I did. But the wonderful thing about the place God finally had me when I met my husband was that He’d allowed me—through bitter tears—to lay down those specific requirements in a heap. Throughout the wonderful privilege of falling in love with Philip, a real man, (and I’m still falling in love with him…;)) I discovered to my delight that so very many of the things I had ‘laid down’ were resurrected before my eyes.
I hesitate in giving specifics, lest they develop into expectations in anyone else. God’s dealings with each of us are completely unique. But one thing is ever and always the same. He can be trusted. And you cannot ever lose what you have offered to Him.
As an older sister in the Lord, as one a bit farther on the path than some of you may be, I’d just like to figuratively put my arm about each of your shoulders and say, ‘It’s okay—calm down. Your spouse is not something that’s going to happen to you. You have a God-given choice and responsibility in the matter, to carefully weigh every situation you find yourself in, to seek the Lord and His counsel. He will take care of the rest. And we couldn’t ask for a better state of affairs.‘
Remember what Elizabeth said:
Some have said God gave them everything they asked for in a husband. God chose to give me far more than I ever could have asked.
I couldn’t agree more. The Lord is good…
10 Comments
Hi Lanier:
I couldn’t agree more…the man that the Lord gives us shouldn’t be a part of specifics, yes important standards are very important, but they way they’ll look or what movies they like or music really isn’t going to matter when one is choosing a mate for a lifetime. I so often see marraiges shatter within 1 or 2 or 3 years all because they want to be loved but not to give love unselfishly.
I met someone wonderful, i’m engaged to a wonderful man, and he didn’t meet all my specifics, yet in every way he turned out much better than all my dreams. He was exactly what the Lord knew i needed in a mate, trustworthy, kind, sweet, intelligent, spiritual, grounded in Christ, funny and such a great fiance.
Only the Lord knows what we truly need in a mate, and we shouldn’t pass someone up just because they don’t meet our specifics; keep your mind open and Trust God to bring you the ultimate perfect mate
I am so happy that i didn’t let this one go….:)
We do argue from time to time, but such is life and such life may be after marriage, but just remmber Let God be the one that picks you the best mate for you.
Only the Lord is the one fit to choose the one best for us!
)
And it helps if parents approve
Ok that’s enough for now!
Sorry for such a long post, and whoever read this far, i thank you for reading all of it
Have a great day girls!
God Bless you all and may HE keep you safe!
Jane.
Thanks, Lanier, for your thoughts. I agree that I find expectations and ideals very hard to separate, so I liked your assistance! I’ve never been a big list person of things I wanted in my future husband–particularly not on superficial/exterior things–but I have found it hard to work out which things are necessaries and which are optionals.
Amen Lanier!
It wasn’t until I told the Lord, “God, I’m so DONE with this dating/courting garbage! I’m tired, my heart hurts, and I obviously dont want what you want for me. I give up! I think that you want me to take a year off of dating to figure this out!” And that’s when God laughed and said “oh yeah? Well, guess what! You’re going to meet your mate!” And I did…it took almost a year of someone I felt was totally unworthy of me, didn’t fulfill my expectations to win me over.
True, God planned and ordained love is definitely amazing
Peace,
Andrea
Thanks for the encouraging, honest post, Lanier!
What a beautiful post! One of the best posts I’ve ever read on here (and that’s saying a lot, because there have been so many excellent posts on the ylcf:)because it’s so encouraging, refreshing, and real. Not a lot is mentioned about the difference between preferences and ideals/standards. Thanks for sharing what God has revealed to you and what you’ve learned in your own life about this topic. I’m sure many others will be blessed from this post, as well.:)
-Whitney
I was thoroughly blessed by both of your ‘Ideals & Expectations’ blogs Lanier!
I can honestly say that I’ve thought alot about the specifics…what I think ‘he’ should wear, listen to, or watch…and I know that each of those things should be pleasing to the Lord no matter what, but there is a degree to which we can become too picky or demanding. That’s what I’m learning. 
Thanks again…
It was fun running into you and Philip this morning at breakfast!
love, griffin
Wow!!!!!!
Thank you so much for that awesome post!
Blessings and Shalom!
That is so true! And it is amazing how the Lord works. I had an ideal picture of the sort of guy I wanted to marry…looked around, didn’t see anyone like him, and decided I just wouldn’t ever get married. Then God gave me a vision for home, and I came to the place where I knew if God brought his man into my life, even if he wasn’t my ideal, it would be well.
Guess what? God has brought a wonderful man into my life. He has such a heart for the Lord. But – *gasp* – I absolutely couldn’t stand him when I first met him! He didn’t seem to be my “type” at all…but after I got to know him better, all that changed. It wasn’t “Ooo, I like this guy! *squeal*” It was, “Wow…I really respect this guy. Whoa…I think I could follow him. Oh dear…” And now, amazingly, I have found he is more like my ideal than I would have ever thought possible. God is good – ALL THE TIME.
Lanier, thank you so much for sharing your God-given gift of writing with us! Is is always such a blessing to read, and this post was no different! Thank you for reminding me of the difference between ideals and expectation – so good!
Excellent post, Lanier. Very refreshing to hear such truth…
-Kari