The latest threads here on ylcf.org have prompted much discussion. Upon reading the comments, my thoughts have taken several different directions, which will probably mean several posts (so stay tuned). Meanwhile…
“A man’s perfect strength [will] inspire [a woman] to follow. A woman’s perfect beauty will inspire a man to love. A respected man will grow stronger, and a loved woman more beautiful.”
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs has become well-known for his book Love and Respect. I think those are the key concepts in relation to mutual submission:
“A husband needs respect like he needs air to breathe, while love is by far a wife’s greatest need.”
My grandmother, Jessica Brink, speaks of submission with a voice of experience. On their fiftieth wedding anniversary, she made a fitting tribute to Papa when she stated:
“When a husband loves his wife as he is supposed to, it makes it very easy to be a submissive wife.”
For my part, it is enough to know that farmer’s wife or first lady, I want to be the woman behind the man. To respect, protect, and adore him, ’til death do us part.
Click here to read my article with further thoughts on the topic
This is what I desire so much from life–to love and be loved, and to *be able* to submit to the man I love. I agree; true love really does make submission easy. Although I haven’t found “my man” yet, I truly am looking forward to submitting to him.
My father has always said, to have a successful marriage. . .
“A husband needs admiration and the wife needs appreciation.”
Submission is difficult, but it’s rewards are suprisingly freeing, and once again as my father has said pertaining to numerous subjects, “If it was easy everyone would be doing it.” (I believe that is a major reason why marriages are failing.)
Thank you for the post, it’s JUST what I needed tonight! As I have been resently thinking on this very subject! -it’s amazing how are Lord works. . .perfect timing!
Thank you again!
Thank you, Gretchen, for providing more thoughts to chew on.
I agree that love and respect are extremely important in marriage. But is it really divided so clearly between men and women? Or have we simply made it so, and built our ideology around that?
I am just thinking that knowing my husband respects me and what I do, my opinions, my passions and supports me in them, means a lot to me. In turn, I am more compelled to love and respect him, as well (not that I don’t strive to do that as best as I can already). Without that respect, how can there be love?
If a woman respects her husband without loving him, then don’t you think he will feel that lack of love? I highly respect my employer, associates, and other individuals, but I do not love them like I do my husband, and that love, in addition to respect, is what makes our marriage that much stronger.
I think we sometimes focus on the passage in Ephesians where husbands are told to love, and wives to respect, but neglect other passages that show that they are perhaps not so strictly divided.
For instance, women are told to love their husbands in Titus 2:4. 1 Timothy 3:11 states that deacon’s wife must be worthy of respect. Women are also told that their kindness will gain them respect in (Proverbs 11:16). Clearly, being respected is a good attribution toward woman, as well.
I guess I would some up my thoughts as yes, women need to respect their husbands, but they also need to love them, right? And women need to feel not only that they are loved, but that they are respected as the wonderful person God created her to be. I guess I just think love and respect are much more powerful when they are served together.
Blessings!
I just went back and read that article on the Reagans!! What a wonderful lasting reminder of true love!
Nancy Reagan has been a role model in most ways to me! She never to take her husband’s place or get in the limelight with him! What a beautiful quote. . .
“She never sought the limelight; she was content to bask in her husband’s shadow.”
Wonderful article! Thank you!
To the first anonymous, I agree with you. The thing is, it comes much more naturally for a woman to love her husband than to respect him… That’s why we have to remember to show him the same kind of respect we remember to show to our boss at work: because without it, our husband will feel like nothing.
Yes, my man appreciates my love. But it’s my respect that makes him feel like a man. And when I only tell him the mushy gushy of how much I love him, I am overlooking one of his greatest needs: my respect.
Visit http://loveandrespect.com/main/article_index.asp for more.
Thank you Gretchen for the comment. . .exactly my thoughts.
Respect is VERY much needed in a man. I believe God has placed that need so strongly in them because they are to be the leader of their home.
(I was the 2nd and 4th anonymous commentor)
You know, you anonymous commentors could get your own blogger profiles…or sign your names…
I guess submission isn’t a bad thing. I said a while ago that I hated the word. I have reconsidered. I don’t hate the concept at all, only the way it has been mistreated over time. To be honest, I haven’t seen it worked out very well in my family, so I’ve been trying to figure it out for a few years. In response, I have made this my iron-clad rule: I will never, ever enter a relationship based on love without respect.
I actually got into a hugely long discussion on the love vs. respect topic in Sunday School about a month ago. (I didn’t mean to! I just wanted to know!) I think a lot of the trouble in understanding stems from the fact that we only have one word for “love.” I think men take respect as evidence of love, whereas we ladies take something like undivided attention as evidence. The attention is also respect, but a different sort from what guys need.
Sheesh, this is complicated stuff. My brain is running through about a dozen caveats. Possibly I should just post this comment and be done with it.
Oh, and Gretchen – I love your article on the Reagans. I read it last summer, but it was still good the second time.
On a different topic here, but still on topic with Gretchen’s post:
I believe Ronald and Nancy had a wonderful marriage, but maybe he should have stuck with his first one. No?!
I have a hard time respecting someone who so blatantly disobeys God by getting a divorce, that’s partly why I respect George and Laura Bush and George and Barbara Bush far more than the Reagans.
K
K, no one is perfect. I am not saying we should emulate the Reagans in everything. Nancy is not a believer, as far as I know. But she had some things figured out about loving her husband. That is why she is my hero.
If I remember correctly, he very much wanted to stick with the first one; he didn’t want to get divorced. She was the one that filed for divorce, and he was stuck with the result.
I agree with Gretchen; nobody is perfect. We can learn from certain examples from the lives of others, but that doesn’t mean we have to follow their steps.
- anonymous #3 (leslie)
Good post, Leslie, thank you.
Sissy, I was about to get on and post on love vs. respect but you basically said what I was going to, word for word, including linking to that book.
So I guess my work here is done.
Sarah, I missed your comment first time through. I, like you, have noticed that what is called “submission” can be a very negative thing in relationships. But I don’t think that is the submission we find in the Bible. I think often the negative thing people call submission is “subjugation” — making about having power over the women, and the woman feeling like she is “forced” to do things. I think that is wrong, and a result of living in a sinful world.
I think Biblical submission is more about striving for peace and unity, by remaining humble and supporting others. Remember, this is not a “female” trait, but something all believers are called to do (Ephesians 5:21). So just as we are not “subjugated” to other believers, women should not feel subjugated to their husbands. In essence, since the husband is Christian, he is called to submit as well under Ephesians 5. A husband who is truly loving and serving his wife will most certainly have share that attitude. But neither spouse is subjugated. Instead, they are freely choosing serve the other to meet the other’s needs as best as they can to encourage strength and unity in marriage.
Those are my two cents on the subject, anyway.
- leslie
I am by far no expert, as I am still ‘in waiting and learning.’ I love your grandmother’s comment and embrace it wholeheartedly by viewing other’s relationships. K, I have thought on that same thing, but we all make mistakes and it is our choice whether or not to learn from them. Another great post, Gretchen!
Thank you, Leslie! I guess I am most worried over the potential lack of submission on my part. I didn’t make myself clear, but I decided I wouldn’t even consider a relationship unless I respected him very much indeed. I have to guard against my own sin.
Then the logical extension of this rule is: The man must make the first move. It is easier to do something correctly from the start than it is to fix it once it is moving in the wrong direction.